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FNTT Season 7: the How Many Different Ways Can I Call You A Bitch? round

Jill

image of a little girl and mother

Answer: So many!

Background on Feministe’s Next Top Troll is here. Today we bring you trolls who are creative in employing the English language to insult lady-bloggers. Comments and voting below the fold.


1. Boringusername:

First off being a jerk is the best way to get women, I used to think women were special, wonderful human beings deserving respect and compassion. I was an idiot, it was a form of ego. I like women, and I am good, therefore women must be good. The fact is most women (not all as I haven’t met them all) are terrible people. Now whenever I meet a women I start of knowing that she is a monster, but a monster I want to bone. I success rate has gone through the roof. Men if you want to be successful with the ladies stop thinking of them as foreign creatures, they are just evil a-holes who you want to bone. Also what is the point of getting angry if a woman changes plans? Unless you are retarded and have never met a woman before you should know that they are completely erratic. If you want to meet with her expect that just about anything can happen, from sex, to her not showing up, to her dressing as a clown and setting you on fire. Remember if things get too weird there are about 3 billion more walking vajays full of crazy for you to take a shot at.

2. milo:

Well, Sweetie, aren’t you just an adorable ball-buster?

Really Jill, you are a pompous, nasty and ignorant dumb cunt in love with herself. Ugh, extremely distasteful.

3. Mitsy:

What man would want to date an egotistical, finger-wagging bitch like you, other than to fuck you and then leave right afterward because you’re an insufferable nag. Here’s a clue, most men can’t stand feminists, especially one as loud-mouthed as you are and those that can put up with them are usually desperate. I seriously and honestly pity any man that is stupid enough to become romantically involved with a harpie such as yourself.

4. Noel Granite

11 cunts all of the same mundane mind set write about the same things over and over again. I noticed how most of you come from lib bastions or moved to lib bastions to show your ‘independence”.You have cats and you like wine and don’t feel photogenic.All the typical lib-wench likes and dislikes. C’mon admit it, how many of you sluts take anti-depressants? I stumbled on your site and then I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. First, learn how an AC works or how water magically appears out of the sink(so you can wash the makeup and cum off your faces) before you tell us all how smart you are. The little girl with the shotgun….don’t you wish. If it ever comes to that my little darlings you will be running faster than anything you ever wrote. Remember, my sword IS mightier than your pens.


90 thoughts on FNTT Season 7: the How Many Different Ways Can I Call You A Bitch? round

  1. Noel Granite, for his name that is so reminiscent of MST3K’s “Big McLargehuge” and “Slab Squatthrust” as manly monikers, and for his belief that a typical quality of lib wenches is that we “don’t feel photogenic.” He’s so cute. Also, MY sword is mightier than his penis.

  3. Ooh, that was a tough one, but Boringusername got my vote for suggesting that women go on dates dressed as clowns and then set their dates on fire. I think I missed that in The Rules.

    1. Ooh, that was a tough one, but Boringusername got my vote for suggesting that women go on dates dressed as clowns and then set their dates on fire.

      What, you’ve never done that?

  7. Noel Granite gets my vote. His ending with a thinly veiled threat of violence, tinged with a social darwinism spin? Oh swoon! Bonus points for helpful suggestions on house maintenance. I didn’t know that the water that came out of the sink could wash both makeup and cum off my face! Stupid me! I’ve been letting it dry there.

  10. Boringusername gets my vote for making the concession that he has not, in fact, met all the women on planet Earth. Most, but not all.

  12. FashionablyEvil: Ooh, that was a tough one, but Boringusername got my vote for suggesting that women go on dates dressed as clowns and then set their dates on fire.I think I missed that in The Rules.  

    Yeaaaah, I momentarily considered Noel Granite for his “learn how water magically appears out of the sink” comment, but the combination of the Nice Guy ™ whinge and the clown image really gives Boringusername the win.

  13. Milo gets a few points for calling someone a pompous narcissist like it’s a bad thing, but I have to give it to Boringusername. He just may have given me a new fetish for pyromaniac clowns.

  14. Noel! I felt like he meant it the most. Plus, I now plan on someday writing a children’s stories called “The 11 Little Mundane Cunts.”

  15. Yeah, “a monster I want to bone” sucked me in too, although I was tempted to give it up for 11 cat-loving cunts on antidepressants.

  16. Boringusername, because it probably takes a lot of time and dedication to meet most of the women on the planet.

  17. This was a pretty difficult decision, but in the end, Noel Granite’s “little darlings” won me over. And hey, I’ve taken a couple years of fencing; I’ll take on his sword (but not his SWORD because gross) any day.

  19. I went with Noel. I suppose if I just abandon my feminist principles, my clinical depression will magically disappear. I guess all I need is a good swording. Right after I wash the cum off my face.

  20. What a tough choice that one was, but I am with Chocolate Tort on this one. I know how to swordfight, too. If he’s challenging me to a duel using swords, I accept. No magic weapons and no armor. Boringusername says I have levels in Barbarian, so I’ll use those to my advantage.

  22. Wowee…Noel. “Admit it, how many of you sluts take antidepressants” is my favorite non sequitur EVER.

  23. I almost gave it to Noel when I thought the last line was “my sword is mightier than your penis”, but sadly no. I have to give it to Boringusername though, for the hilarious assertion that he can’t say ALL women are horrible people, since he has not met them ALL, but he can say that MOST women are horrible people. Wow, he has met and talked to the majority of the women on the planet? That is incredible, he must be ready for some alone time. Oh yes, and I also must give it to him because he, apparently, thinks he is good. Yes, clearly a lovely human being.

  24. Mitsy, for the “dating advice,” and the insult (to other men) of assuming they’re all as narrowminded and hatefully ignorant as he. Fortunately, not all men are misogynist pricks – I’ve met many wonderful ones – and if they all suddenly decided they hated me because I’m a feminist, well… I wouldn’t cry too hard; I like women, too.

  25. Oooh, indeed: close race between 1 and 4. I usually go with the “nice guy turned bad”-BS (and the whole monster-clowns setting men on fire is awesome :D), but the whole conglomerate of “i have the bigger sword, hahAAA, you slutty cat’s antidepressant consuming c*nts who constantly use water from too technically-difficult-mechanisms-working-to-understand-by-women-sinks for your cum de-makeup” was too good to pass. Noel FTW! Scary round…

  26. So much troll-y goodness!

    I was about to vote for boringusername until that very last line of Noel Granite’s. That took the cake.

  27. Toss up between Boringusername and Noel. I pity Boring for having to go through life with such a sad perspective but Noel has a mighty sword, so…

  28. so little love for milo of the sweetie and the adorable and the rage he can’t suppress long enough to keep up the airily infantilizing front he begins with, so he lapses into cunt by the second sentence? milo’s got it goin ON.

  29. I voted for BoringUsername, because I have a special place in my heart for Nice GuysTM, especially former Nice GuyTMs that are now just complete raging assholes, who are very satisfied at how much pussy they are getting now.

  30. I voted for Noel. The clown thing was terribly funny, but Noel gets my vote for describing me *almost* perfectly. This non-photogenic, wine-drinking, cat-owning feminist has both a 12-gauge AND an HK USP.40, both of which have a much longer range than your “sword”.

  31. Wow, these are all really awful. In the end, though, I have to go with Boringusername for the image of a woman in a clown suit setting him on fire. That image will probably make me smile for the rest of the day.

  33. Noel, for managing to slip that nice little bit of ableism in there. And the sword line – seriously, did he not see the obvious there?

  34. I had a weird work schedule today plus came down with a sore throat but the little girl in my head said “Let’s go look at the trolls-oh pleeese?”
    Short: thanks for this. And I do so like the pyromaniac clown image

  35. I had my heart set on either Mitsy or Noel, but I had to go for Mitsy because I looooove it when people tell me about how I will die alone because I wouldn’t shut up and make sandwiches.
    That, and because “harpie” sounds like a Barbie version of a Greek mythology figure, and I would very much like one of those.

  36. Off topic, sorry – but who buys cards liek that and who could they possibly send them to? Is that someone’s idea of a Mother’s Day card? Birthday card for a daughter? I remember that or a similar line of cards in a shop in Palm Springs – is it something gay men send to each other on birthdays? That I can almost see. I am just wondering what profit anyone gets from printing them.

  37. @Jim: I would buy one and sent it to myself because it is rad.

    This round is the most difficult by far. I wish I could vote for each troll *sigh*
    mitsy–she claims men wont date me since I believe in equality.
    boring–is just pissed the “monsters” stand him up–wonder why that is?
    milo– should really take a look in the mirror and meditate on what it means to be “pompous” and “nasty”
    darling noel gets my vote, though, because I like wine. I will toast to the trolliest troll while reading my Air Conditioner manual.

  38. I voted for Noel, for his apparent inability to distinguish between sinks and taps, and which one water comes from, and for his failure to understand that looking photogenic is a state of being determined by camera, not an emotion one feels.

    In fact, I am a liberal, and a woman, and I do know how air-con works, specifically automotive AC. I don’t believe that the knowledge is particularly noteworthy, and I’m not sure what Noel is implying it has to do with my worth as a person. The world is a rich pantheon of interesting things, but if Noel likes, I am happy to discuss the finer points of finding back-compatible replacement gas for air-conditioning units for cars made before 1996, whose original gas has been banned due to its high CFC content. It’ll be a hot date.

  39. I was originally going to pick Boring, because it gave me the urge to dress like a clown and run around lighting things on fire… because, you know, girls do that since they’re craaaaazy.

    I ended up going with Noel though, for the “learn how an AC works” vomit. I’m a certified electronics technician and have dealt with being sent on service calls with jackasses with that mentality all too often.

  40. I would also like to point out that I do not like wine, I’m not on anti-depressants and I’m largely indifferent to cats, although they make me sneeze.

  41. Another round full of charmers.

    Here’s my plan, Noel:
    I will go to the animal shelter and I will get me a kitty.
    I will let myself fall in love with that kitty.
    Then one night, you will break into my house, and I will let that kitty scratch your eyes out.

    See you then, m’kay?

  43. NUMBER FOUR. Entirely for the beautiful line ‘You have cats and you like wine and don’t feel photogenic’. Good job, jerkoff.

  45. You know, I’ve been married for years, dated and had a few serious relationships before I married, and turn 40 soon. But I still don’t, and probably never will, understand how some men can hate women but still want to have sex with them.
    No, you don’t have to love someone to sleep with them. But shouldn’t you at least like them a little?
    Yeah, I’m naive.

  46. Like everyone, I had a hard time picking between Boring and Noel, but I ultimately picked Boringusername because he taught me that women dress like clowns and set their dates on fire, and also because the only reason he used to like and respect women is because he was an egotist. ???!!!

  48. I almost voted for Noel, for trying to be threatening but constructing his threatening sentence in such a way I had to stop and wonder, “Wait, things one writes run fast? Uhhh.” But being called a monster who could at any moment dress like a clown and set people on fire just has to win.

  49. I voted for Misty, too, just because I she rants on, and on thinking I am a walking sex machine for men. I’m not a feminist because I want to be more attractive, I am feminist because I am. I am what I am. Dammit.

  50. I was going for Noel, but the arguments in favor of Boring are too persuasive. I like the progression of options of what could happen if you date a woman, she could have sex with you, or might not show up, or absolute worst case scenario, show that you’re not irrational for being afraid of clowns (men are NEVER irrational, bad puns about clowns and pi aside) but downright smart, since they’re known to also be arsonists. Or something. JetGirl nailed it, anyone who admits that they want to have sex only with people that they consider to be a horrible monster definitely has issues.

    Though, I thought we were supposed to believe that we should desire facials because semen has all the components of moisturizers. I may not have a graduate degree in chemistry, but I don’t think it works if you wash it off. Oh wait, I do have one. Um, ok. I may not have a degree in weaponry, but I’m pretty sure that Mo’s correct about shotguns having better range than swords. That works.

  52. Okay, somebody totally needs to start a feminist blog whose banner image is a clown feminist setting some misogynist jerk on fire. Between that and the Nice Guy thing (which sadly a few of my friends believe but I’m trying to set them right), Boringusername all the way!

    Though I was amused by Mitsy’s assertion that men hate feminists, even though the “feminism kills romance” myth has been debunked many times. That and, well, lots of men love and are feminists! 🙂

  53. Boringusername. He bones monsters. Monsters who dress like clowns and set him on fire. Ledasmom

    LOVE. And yes, that was basically what got him my vote, too. A man who says that women are erratic pyromaniac clowns and then promptly follows up with a damn do I want to put my penis in that! is gonna need lots of votes to comfort him during his many inevitable-and-hilariously-awkward burn ward stays.

  54. i take a break from the intratubes, i come back to FNTT! YAY!!!

    so, at first, i was all “Boringusername has me *SO* pegged, as i did in FACT used to set men on fire whilst wearing a ton of makeup! not specifically “clown” makeup, more “Pro-Domme working with/on too many Goths” but, hey – ignorance often confuses.

    then – then came Noel. and with him the knowledge that I, crippled and stuck in a wheelchair as i now am, probably know more about how ACs, plumbing, and fencing work – and that i’d win any bout i got into with him, being that i STILL can fence [at least, with a rapier or a short sword – long swords and bastard swords are too heavy, when one is in a wheelchair] and i bet he’s never picked up a sword in his LIFE. *THEN* i realized he meant his SWORD, and let me tell you –

    WARNING: DESCRIPTION OF GRAPHIC VIOLENCE

    the image of his SWORD meeting *MY* actual real life made from carbon steel sword WON. if only because, when i was a Domme, i had several guys ask for THAT, too 😀

  55. FashionablyEvil: Ooh, that was a tough one, but Boringusername got my vote for suggesting that women go on dates dressed as clowns and then set their dates on fire.I think I missed that in The Rules.  

    Jill:
    What, you’ve never done that?  

    I though maybe he had seen El Crimen Perfecto one to many times, or maybe dozed off and got it all jumbled up in his head.

  56. JetGirl: You know, I’ve been married for years, dated and had a few serious relationships before I married, and turn 40 soon. But I still don’t, and probably never will, understand how some men can hate women but still want to have sex with them.
    No, you don’t have to love someone to sleep with them. But shouldn’t you at least like them a little?
    Yeah, I’m naive.  

    And have nothing but contempt, at the very least, and violent urges, at the worst, for men who do like women but don’t want to have sex with them but rather with other men.

  57. Mitsy won me over with her old tyme invocation of “harpie [sic].” She went ancient greek in her trollery.

  58. JetGirl: I’d like to have sex, eventually, but I don’t like the generic citizens of dudeland very much. I can see how men and women can kinda get into that mindset: the dudes go ‘bitchez ‘r out to take my money and my seed,’ and the women end up thinking ‘all guys are rapey jerks.’
    Luckily, I’m not in an economic position to date, so I have some time to noodle that one out. (Yes, dating is expensive: clothes + makeup eat a lot of money, and so does resturant food.)

  59. I accidentally read Remember, my sword IS mightier than your pens as Remember, my sword IS mightier than your penis at first. Sadly, the real version is much less amusing.

  60. You know how the best stories have a thread of truth in them? I’m going to be up all night wondering about the erratic pyromanic clown’s backstory. Did it at least involve a little flower that squirts water at the end?

  61. Dae: Mitsy, for the “dating advice,” and the insult (to other men) of assuming they’re all as narrowminded and hatefully ignorant as he. Fortunately, not all men are misogynist pricks – I’ve met many wonderful ones – and if they all suddenly decided they hated me because I’m a feminist, well…I wouldn’t cry too hard; I like women, too.  

    YES, THIS.

  63. (Yes, dating is expensive: clothes + makeup eat a lot of money, and so does resturant food.) Politicalguineapig

    Huh. My dates look more like street clothes + cheap pizza + reading stuff at Borders.

    Oh, and dressing as a clown and setting men on fire of course. But that’s reserved for second dates; I’m not a pyromaniac clown slut!

  64. Oooh, this is a tough round. Boringusername makes me want to cringe, and maybe hide my vajay under a rock :S
    But milo… So much contempt and condescension packed into such a short statement! I think I’ll have to pick milo. After all, I’m also a pompous, ignorant, nasty “d–b”* cunt in love with myself!

    *ableism disemvoweled.

  65. I like Milo. He’s totally insulting, and then he just adds the word “distasteful” at the end – and you suddenly wind up feeling as though you’re listening to someone at a tea party (the old-fashioned kind).

  66. When I read Noel Granite’s proclamations, I have a mental image of that macro whose exact wording I no longer remember. Something to the effect of ‘You wouldn’t say that to my face!’ Being said, of course, by a scrawny kid behind his computer.

    I think his sword and my penis have quite a few things in common…

  67. Gayle Force: I almost voted for Noel, for trying to be threatening but constructing his threatening sentence in such a way I had to stop and wonder, “Wait, things one writes run fast?Uhhh.”But being called a monster who could at any moment dress like a clown and set people on fire just has to win.  

    ROTFL!!!

    Because written things run fast is precisely why Noel got my vote. Be still my beating heart.

  68. Oh, it’s all boringusername. First, there’s the hipster name which leads me to assume we have a Privilege Denying Dude at hand and I love me a cliché meme! Second, it’s just so typical it’s sad – “wahhhhh women don’t like nice guys they all want jerks!” And finally, there’s this: “The fact is most women (not all as I haven’t met them all) are terrible people.”

    It seems we have a troll who is willing to admit he has not met all women but is making conclusions about most women so I am impressed – has this man actually met most women? In the whole world? He’s interacted with over 1.5 billion people; that’s pretty wild. He gets my “worldly” vote!

  69. I’m having a really difficult time choosing between boringusername and Noel Granite. They both are so amazingly ridiculous. I think I’m going to have to go for Mitsy, though, for what I perceive as an attack on men who like feminist women. Just because this seems to be an unusual target.

    Also I want to say that I absolutely love the graphic with this post so very much. I gave it to my mom in the form of a magnet for mother’s day a few years ago, and really meant it.

  70. I still don’t, and probably never will, understand how some men can hate women but still want to have sex with them.
    No, you don’t have to love someone to sleep with them. But shouldn’t you at least like them a little?
    Yeah, I’m naive. JetGirl

    These sorts of men who hate women and want to have sex with them are doing it to impress other men. The reason they have sex is to prove their masculinity and to prove to their friends they are “real men” so they don’t get called f*gg**s. The women involved are just meat socks who mean nothing, and it makes no difference whether they consent or not, because their is really no difference between sex and rape when you’re doing it to impress other men. It is not a beautiful human interaction but a competition where one must conquer as many women as possible.

  71. This is a brutally hard round.

    Boringusername, with the pyromaniac clowns who are monsters he wants to bone.
    Noel, who if he had written “my sword is mightier than your penis” would have clearly won.
    Milo, short and sweet and brutal with a side order of affectation. (“distasteful”)

    I CANNOT DECIDE!!!

    *sigh* I’ll go Milo because I want to keep the numbers close and I think he’s falling behind.

  72. Mitsy for me. The others had a lot of predictable ableism, use of the word “cunt,” and contempt for all of women. But I sense some jealousy with Mitsy.

  73. He can have a 7-foot claymore if he really has self-esteem issues, my .40mm bullet will still go 800-1100 feet per second. LOL

    Ismone: Mo,Hahaha, awesome.Maybe it is a really *long* sword.Or a broadsword?  

  74. Boringusername: If you want to meet with her expect that just about anything can happen, from sex, to her not showing up, to her dressing as a clown and setting you on fire.

    Godsdammit. You will never let the clown suit and arson thing go, will you??? It’s not my fault you are so fucking sensitive about RED WIGS and FLOPPY SHOES, not to mention just a small brick of C4. Which I made myself, special, for you, you ungrateful wretch!

  75. @Noel: Remember, my sword IS mightier than your pens.

    Not when I’m wearing my clown suit. My C4 trumps all. Ask Boringusername.

    (I do have to go with Boringusername, since the clown suit and arson joke was epic, and I will squeeze every. last. drop. of snark out of it that I can.)

  77. Boring almost–almost–had me with the flaming clowns, but in the end I had to go with Noel for getting me alarmingly right on the nose. Noel, this cat-owning, wine-loving, nonphotogenic, wenchy, slutty antidepressant-taker salutes you.

  78. Wait, I am totally confused (what with the lady brain and all)…

    Do cat owning, wine drinking, anti-depressant popping lib-wenches usually find the need to wash Mascara/man juice off of their faces?

    Noel my man, you lose major points for the mixed metaphor. That and your neglect in explaining the faucet fairies to me.

  79. Tough one. Almost went with Noel, mainly for his insistence that knowledge of air conditioners is the sine qua non of intelligent discourse. But in the end went with Boringusername, simply because it sounds like he’s had some really interesting dates.

  81. I was going to give it to Milo for “distasteful”, but in the end, had to throw a vote to Noel for “you have cats”.

    We’re lesbians, dear. We have dogs.

  82. Boringusername, for being all wise and knowing the ways of women, because we are all the same and uniformly horrible.

  83. What I like about Boringusername is his advice to not view women as foreign creatures, but as evil monsters. Not alien mythical beings, but terrestrial mythical beings. He gets the whole “women are human” thing so confused he gets my vote.

  84. Noel Granite has that wonderful “how many of you sluts take antidepressants?” line, but Boringusername tops all, both for his bizarre assertion that treating women as humans is “a form of ego”, and his utterly fascinating sex life. Why can’t I get with a girl who’ll dress up as a clown and set me on fire?

  86. Noel Granite, because I imagined him typing that post wearing a cowboy hat, and afterwards brandishing his pistol and taking a big swig of Jack.

  87. Ha ha , Noel, his “airconditioner” thing has reminded me of two awful first dates during the same summer– two different men, but both of whom wanted to spend the entire dinner lecturing me nonstop about Federalism. Both called me for a second lecture session, but I declined. Maybe it’s the NY tap water?

    Of course if I had read “Boring” then I could have dressed as a clown and set them on fire! Brilliant.

  89. Noel wins in my book. I love how “Lib” has the same power to some loons that dropping the “N” bomb does.

    Maybe it should be the “L” bomb these days.

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