In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

It’s Money, Honey

Tyla

Firstly, thanks to everyone who commented on my post about self-sabotage. So many of you had interesting things to say (I’m definitely going to get checked out for ADHD) and the feedback really contributed to my ability to think about how to start making positive changes and get rid of self-defeating habits.

It also got me thinking about why this problem is so much worse lately (it has REALLY intensified in the last month). A few months ago, with steady work as a temp, I was doing much less self-sabotaging. I was also very unsatisfied with my job. But, for the most part, I showed up to work on time and got shit done. I was also posting regularly on my blog in my free time, although I still opted for watching The Bachelorette when I had the choice.

Flash forward to now, and I’ve got two internships, both of which are with organizations where I would kill to get a permanent position. Okay, I wouldn’t actually kill, but I would go pretty far. I’m thrilled with the work I’ve been doing and can’t believe my luck at landing gigs like these. So what gives? Why the feeling of listlessness and slight depression that has been nagging at me?

I think one huge contributing factor is this: money. Yes, my new endeavors are incredible, but they are also unpaid. Looking back, I realize that while the work was unsatisfying, one of my favorite things during my time at a job I hated was writing my rent check every month. I grew up with an extreme complex about financial security (we didn’t have much in my family), and I had never imagined being able to pay my own rent. Writing that check every month, despite dissatisfaction at work, gave me such a huge feeling of accomplishment.

To take on these internships, I’ve had to swallow my pride and ask extended family to help with the monetary side of things while I pursue unpaid work for a few months. I realize I am beyond lucky to have someone I can ask, many people do not have that luxury. But for some reason, it seems to me that I have (subconsciously) placed such extreme value on financial success, that regression in that dimension of my own success has put me into a tailspin. The most frustrating thing is that logically, I would say I am more successful now than when I was paying my rent, because I’m heading in the right direction on a career path I’ve chosen, rather than just doing something for the sake of having a job.

One of the commenters hit this right on the head:

I came from a very not-successful family background, and experienced crippling anxiety at every rung I climbed of the narrow ladder of social mobility. This resulted in a lot of the behavior that Tyla describes. Yes, I always knew that if I didn’t keep on my game, I might wind up back exactly where I came from. Which would have been horrible in ways that exceeded merely not having money.

But sometimes that pressure was more paralyzing than enabling. And sometimes the abuse of repeatedly reminding myself of how horrible my life would be if I didn’t leap through the next hoop successfully only resulted in my being a complete wreck after getting through the hoop.

At this moment in time, I am moving forward at a rate that astounds me in every aspect of personal success, except for finances. I think that the fear of financial failure is so crippling at this point, that it is largely contributing to my self-sabotage. As I described before, the other time self-sabotage reached an all-time high in my life was immediately after I moved to New York, and I wasn’t able to find work (largely because of my propensity to spend my time doing things other than looking for work). Evidently, the larger the possibility for financial ruin, the more paralyzed I become.

So the question becomes this: When I consciously value financial success so much less than other types of success (job satisfaction, good relationships, etc), why does the possibility of financial failure paralyze me? I need to figure out how to get my subconscious on board with the idea that when it comes down to it, the things I am working on now are so much more important than making a lot of money. If I don’t, I won’t be able to fully take advantage of the opportunities in front of me, which are unbelievable.

I’m afraid this may be easier said than done. Although, maybe I really do have ADHD and these problems will be easier to address once I’m medicated. I’m going to go call my doctor now…

16 thoughts on It’s Money, Honey

  1. ” At this moment in time, I am moving forward at a rate that astounds me in every aspect of personal success, except for finances. I think that the fear of financial failure is so crippling at this point, that it is largely contributing to my self-sabotage.”

    It’s the same for me. I’m working an unpaid but high-profile/high-performance internship, an unpaid but very valuable parttime job at a magazine, doing the final year of my undergrad study with mostly classes at the highest level (combined BA/MA level), looking into getting funding to go study abroad and trying to maintain my sanity. It’s a LOT of work, but next to that I’m also freelancing 20 to 30 hours at least per week because I need to pay my rent etc. Really, my work has never before been this good, but I’m barely raking in pay for 25% of all of those efforts. And that just knocks me into lethargic moments that make me useless. Like someone else said in that other post, I also really came from the ‘bottom’ and had to fight my way up, and the thought of falling back to the level my family was at is terrifying, but at times it just gets so overwhelming. Money… such a big issue.

  2. The topic of money leaves me sick with worry these days. My parents are sinking further and further into the red, not being able to afford psychiatrist appointments or gyno appointments or dental appointments (despite my mom’s painful broken tooth) but not being “poor enough” to qualify for any sort of aid. They have special deals worked out with the psychiatrist (thank god, because they have to maintain their mental health above all right now) but it’s so painful to know that there is nothing I can do to help because I’m struggling myself and living entirely off work-study money.

    So, I understand. It’s extremely hard to accept that with the economy the way it is, I may not be able to find a job after law school, and I’m going into incredible debt to do this. Some days I think, why bother? Why care? It’s not going to matter in the end, right? Of course I know that objectively it will and that if I sabotage myself, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it keeps me up at night many a time.

  3. It is only natural to consider your ‘success’ or ‘failure’ in others terms, particularly after you just graduated from our school system which places grades as the be-all and end-all as if they weren’t just someone’s subjective opinions. So, you certainly shouldn’t be beating yourself up for this. However, I have found that if you stick to rigidly to a career path you end up sabotaging yourself even worse.

    I wanted to be a sitcom writer coming out of college and after a few years working in marketing, I felt like I had saved enough money to become a full time writer (and musician, but that was always a hobby.) After 5 years of writing (and being the shittier contributor to a two income couple,) I found myself with no job, only one credit to my name (for an episode of ‘Monk’ on which I was one of 5 writers) and my only source of regular income was the few stand up comics for whom I wrote jokes (which was an unbelievable pittance compared to what they were earning.)

    It was only 2 years ago, shortly before I became 40 that I got my first job in radio, and I realized that I actually had a job that I loved, which I enjoyed working on- one that I had never considered before. If I had insisted on remaining a TV writer, I would have a) probably killed myself due to failure or b)had a truly stressful job which I don’t even like as much as being on radio.

    I don’t regret any of the things I’ve done, but I do regret worrying about not being a successful enough writer- just because I didn’t have a well paying job. Even when I earned very little I had people who appreciated my writing, and people who got pleasure (laughter) from it, which now that i look back, I cherish a lot more than anything I’ve ever bought.

  4. I can really relate to this. My family doesn’t have money so I have no safety or security net. And like Meredith, some of them are in the awful position of being too poor to afford things they need and not poor enough to qualify. It’s really stressful. I’m terrified of failing because I know what it’s like to have nothing and it’s not a good feeling. So for some time now, I’ve been scared to move forward because I’m scared of moving backwards.

    I also have add/anxiety, which makes it worse because I worry more and focus less when I need to worry less and focus more. I’m smart, I’m motivated, but I’m scared. Someone on the other post said something about taking it 5 steps at a time, and then another 5, and so on. That’s what I’m trying to do now.

    I’ve always been fairly confident about my personality, my looks, my body image. But gaining financial and personal success terrifies the hell out of me.

  5. I think part of it is this hierarchical system we are told to buy into, where we’re worried about scarcity all the time. I think we should care about dealing with abundance instead.

  6. Miss S: I also have add/anxiety, which makes it worse because I worry more and focus less when I need to worry less and focus more. I’m smart, I’m motivated, but I’m scared. Someone on the other post said something about taking it 5 steps at a time, and then another 5, and so on. That’s what I’m trying to do now.

    I too struggle with anxiety (comorbid with bipolar disorder, which mostly presents as deep, deep depression). I’m trying to break things down, but then I see long lists and get panicked again. It’s an awful cycle.

  7. Money is being able to take care of other people. Are there small ways you can reassure yourself that you ARE able to take care of other people right now?

    Money is not feeling like school teachers/ social workers/ probation officers/ police have the power to rip your entire world apart. Who are the people you have become vulnerable to, because of this career decision? Who are the people from whom you are still free?

    Money is freedom from being laughed at or judged. Do you have the equipment you need to insulate yourself from others’ judgments? Are there ways you could equip yourself better?

    Money is autonomy. In choosing this career path, you’ve made a move that exercises some autonomy. Are there other ways you can reassure yourself that you are moving to greater autonomy, rather than less? Are there small acts of autonomy you can commit to reassure yourself that just because you’ve lost financial autonomy, you haven’t lost all autonomy?

    Finally — what else is money, for you? When you know that, you’ll know a lot about what you really need.

  8. And FWIW, I’ve never been organized or motivated or energetic enough to cook anything close to as beautiful as the food you feature in your blog.

  9. Question: how do you avoid being really angry about having to take unpaid internships that leave you incredibly vulnerable in order to follow your career path? Maybe I’m missing something, but I always saw unpaid internships as barriers set to deliberately exclude talented people who didn’t have the wealth necessary to get that foot in the door. That’s my perspective as someone who went through a formal apprenticeship program.

    Now here’s a really dumb question: which careers require unpaid internships (either as an actual condition, or de-facto)? Is this a growing trend? Is there a written contract involved? Do you retain legal ownership of your work since you aren’t being paid for it? What do they have to give you in return for all this free labor?

    Just….it sounds like a different world to me; one of unfair labor practices. The anxiety you described sounds perfectly normal to me—it doesn’t sound to me like you’re worried about exterior markings of “success”, but actual survival concerns like paying rent and keeping food in the fridge and the lights on. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. But…I can’t help but wonder if your anxiety is related to this plan of action being a crapshoot (meaning: I don’t know if it is, but if it were a “sure thing”, as my apprenticeship was, would you be feeling any anxiety?).

  10. I have never done an unpaid internship, but from what I have observed is that internships are unpaid for a reason. I think temp work might be more fruitful because in that situation, you know the company has money to spend.

  11. @ “prefer not to say”

    I really liked your descriptions about the meaning of money. Is there someplace in the net or in a book where that concept gets into more detail?

  12. I opted out of certain career fields I was interested in because there was so much competition for a few poorly paying jobs. It just wasn’t worth it to me. I realized this after seeing how many people were willing to do these free internships–far more than there were actual jobs available. My fear of being broke holds me back all the time, so I can see where you’re coming from. I’m not terribly thrilled with my current job, not that I hate it, but it’s not my dream job. But it pays the bills and I’m able to afford a relatively nice place to live, which I’m happy with.

    La Lubu, I agree with you on the unpaid internships thing. They are abuse, plain and simple. A lot of companies in high demand fields (like magazine writing) are using them as a way to get out of having to hire clerical help. I did an internship at a magazine, and basically they had as many interns as employees and no clerical staff except the receptionist because the interns did it all. Technically, unpaid interns are supposed to be receiving training, NOT displacing paid workers, and the company should not be deriving any “immediate advantage” from their work. See this NYT article http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/03/business/03intern.html

    It’s obvious that unpaid interns are being abused, and that does make me angry. It also makes me angry that you need to have some kind of benefactor, whether it be family or a significant other, to financially support you in trying to break in to certain fields. Essentially this locks out people who don’t have this benefit.

  13. If you grew up in a household where financial security was shaky, then that is something that will deeply affect you. When you’re not sure you pay the rent or put food on the table, these are fundamental life issues (see Maslow’s heirarchy of needs).

    By taking an unpaid position you have put yourself back where you were as a child – with precarious finances, and dependent on family members for support. I can totally see how that would freak you out.

    Being able to pay your rent is not an accomplishment. It is a basic life need. You have chosen not to earn money for a while for a good reason, and thus you must accept the deep scariness of that.

    But I would suggest you quickly find a means of support that allows you to pay the rent.

    I also wonder: if you were financially stretched as a child, is there something about being in the same position now that is comforting? I ask because sabotage, and taking unpaid positions, seems to point to an equation in your mind somewhere: “having enough to pay the rent is some kind of betrayal of my family”. Or even, “I am going to end up where I started (poor) anyway, so I may as well stop myself from getting anywhere, so that when I get back to being poor it won’t be too much of a shock”.

  14. Well, fear is paralyzing, especially when you don’t know how to handle the situation that is making you afraid.

    What would you have to do to become financially secure in the situation you’re in?

  15. One of the worst things about growing up poor, in my experience, is the insecurity it comes with; we don’t get to take money for granted, because we know how easy it is to go from rich to broke in the space of a few months.

    I developed a chronic illness the year before I graduated from university and then I ended up being diagnosed with a flurry of psychological disorders (bipolar, OCD, AS) which make it difficult for me to find and keep jobs and so I have made a hard transition from the comfortable independence of university and the self-esteem and challenge that came from studying topics that interested me and getting A+ grades to being completely incapable of obtaining or keeping even minimum wage entry-level jobs. That being said, I am, like you, also lucky to have a family that is willing to help me, and the culture I belong to is more family-oriented than mainstream WASP culture and less likely to stigmatize an adult living with her parents. In these days, too, it is not unusual for people of our generation to be in trouble and require help, so don’t let it affect your self-esteem; we humans are none of us completely independent, though some of us like to pretend we are.

    Do get a psychiatric diagnosis if you feel you need it, by the way; it may be hard to believe but it can be incredibly liberating. I always knew I was *weird* but used to blame myself and accuse myself of self-destructive behaviours etc. and knowing that I’m just wired that way allows me to be more self-forgiving. Plus having a card of official crazy may allow you to meet some really cool people you might not have met otherwise 😀

  16. Anita: I ask because sabotage, and taking unpaid positions, seems to point to an equation in your mind somewhere: “having enough to pay the rent is some kind of betrayal of my family”. Or even, “I am going to end up where I started (poor) anyway, so I may as well stop myself from getting anywhere, so that when I get back to being poor it won’t be too much of a shock”.  

    I know what you mean, yes – and it’s not like that, but sadly enough it definitely creates tension. When I had a full time job working at the airport next to my study, I made a lot of money and also spent it happily (this was before I went to University) — and my parents would complain about me spending it on products for job (makeup, clothes etc), taking trips. Paradoxically, whenever I tried to help out my mom financially, she would flat out refuse it (she still does this, even when it’s about having a simple $20 dinner somewhere). I’m not sure whether it’s just pride, or a matter of envy as well, but that’s a topic too lengthy to go into now I guess. Even when I talk about my studies and wanting to get my Phd, and I explain it’ll be a few extra years of studying but it will get me to work into the area that I want to work, and it definitely pays off regarding income, she will be quick to say “But it is NOT all about the money”. Almost as if earning more money than my family does will make me… too elite, too detached from ‘my roots’ etc? Either way, it really does further complicate the money matter when your family also has an opinion about it.

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