I’ve always been a high achiever. One of the only people in my high school class to move farther than five hours away for college, I attended a top ten school then moved to New York to start my real-person life.
I’m simultaneously proud of what I’ve accomplished (woohoo! Go, me!) and frustrated about where I’m at in my life at this point (currently doing three unpaid (albeit amazing) internships, borrowing money to pay my rent, and praying that at least one of these turns into a job), because I know that I should be farther along. Frustratingly enough, I also know that throughout all of this my biggest obstacle has been (drumroll please)…me. I am a master of self-sabotage.
I’m not sure when this started exactly. I’ve always procrastinated more than normal. Case in point: My freshman year of college, I waited until the night before a 17-page research paper was due to even begin doing my research. I got an A+. (I didn’t even know you could get an A+ in college.) This trend continued throughout my college career; I always barely finished my work before the deadline, but even when I thought the finished product was sub-par, it received high marks.
I’ve got a few theories here. Maybe, the reason I always did this to myself was because if I waited until the last minute and ended up receiving low marks, I’d feel as if I had an excuse for my failure. Or maybe it was because the feeling of accomplishment was that much larger when I got a high grade AND pulled an all-nighter, completing huge amounts of work in record time.
The scary thing is, I’ve carried self-sabotage with me into post-collegiate life. I waited until the month I graduated to apply for jobs, and even then, I only applied to one. When I got to New York, I didn’t spend my time diligently hunting for employment. Instead, I sat on my ass (in the apartment my boyfriend at the time was paying most of the rent for) watching tv and feeling sorry for myself. This was probably the low point in my life. I let myself spiral into a depression so deep I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning.
Finally, I fell into a job. The temp agency found my resume online and called me. If they hadn’t, I might never have gotten my self-esteem back up to a respectable point; I might have continued to stew in my lack of confidence, putting my expensive education to use at Banana Republic. Thankfully, the job, while not a job I particularly liked, reassured me that I am smart, I have skills, and damn it, any organization would be lucky to have me as an employee. I worked there for eight months, until the position became full-time and (despite my stellar performance) they hired someone else.
At this point, I’d like to say that I had kicked self-sabotage’s ass. It certainly looked like it. Within a few short weeks, I secured two very different internships in a field I’m really excited about, something I couldn’t have managed to do a year beforehand because I was too busy stabbing myself in the back.
Unfortunately, I’m starting to realize that while things are much better, I haven’t stopped undermining my own success. I sit watching The Bachelorette instead of writing blog posts. I hit the snooze button so many times that being on time for work is no longer an option, even if I skip a shower and take a cab. I drink too much wine even though I know it is going to make me feel hung over, really hindering my ability to be an asset at work. I scrape by on the bare minimum, because I know I can.
And all of it makes me want to scream. “What the fuck, me?!?! Why are you doing this to yourself? Over and over? You have opportunities in front of you that many would die to have, and you’re going to fuck it up because you want to sleep fifteen more minutes?” (I curse at myself a lot.)
Just this morning, I sat here researching self-sabotage for this post instead of reading the notes that will prepare me for a meeting I’m hoping I’ll be asked to sit in on later this afternoon. (I DID take a break to read the notes.) But I’m back to research now and HOLY SHIT. I just found a list of questions about how to tell if you’re self-sabotaging, and it’s not even funny how many of the questions I answered “yes” to.
When will I stop being my own biggest enemy? My life is pretty incredible despite all of my own efforts to hold myself down, what might happen if I didn’t create obstacles to my own success? What might we all do if we could stop, take a deep breath, make a decision to stop getting in our own way, and then stick to it?
How do you get in your own way? How do you choose not to? I could really use some tips.