In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

Are black women too religious to get married?

Tami

As I’ve previously blogged here, the media has a not-so-subtle obsession with the love lives of single black women. Recently, CNN.com added more fuel to the fire, pondering, “Does the church keep black women single?”

We’ve already learned from the mainstream media that black women are too educated, too successful and too independent to be marriageable. Now, it seems, we can add “too religious” to our list of supposed sins.

According to the 2000 census, unmarried rates among African Americans are double that of whites. In trying to explain this trend, you might consider the legacy of slavery, and how it impacted black families. You might look for a correlation between high rates of poverty and lack of personal and domestic stability. (You might also acknowledge than not every black woman wishes to marry or that not every black woman wishes to marry a black man…or a man, period.)

Or — as CNN seems to prefer — you might simply obsess over what black women need to change about themselves to better snag a man, instead.

CNN.com’s article was inspired by a post by San Francisco Examiner advice columnist and blogger Deborrah Cooper, who claims that “predominantly black protestant churches, such as African Methodists, Pentecostal, and certain denominations of Evangelical and Baptist churches are the main reason black women are single.” Cooper is quoted as saying, “Black women are interpreting the scriptures too literally. They want a man to which they are ‘equally yoked’ — a man that goes to church five times a week and every Sunday just like they do.”

Both Cooper’s declarations and CNN’s willingness to give them credence are highly disturbing.

When looking for a life partner, it makes sense to pursue a person whose beliefs, values and interests are compatible with yours. Marriages between two people who share key values are inherently stronger. Everyone has a right to find a partner who shares their convictions, right? Except, apparently, black women.

Why do we obsess over what black women are (allegedly) doing wrong in their relationships? And why — as Cooper is doing here — do we demand that they should be exceptions? Read more…

10 thoughts on Are black women too religious to get married?

  1. Actually, white fundamentalist churches keep a pretty tight lid on the women in their congregations, taking up huge time and energy and limiting their social circle. I see a crisis coming on. Can I get blog hits for this?

  2. If slavery had anything to do with it….than the marriage rates would have been low throughout the 20th century but in fact
    in the 1960’s (thick of the civil rights movement)…80% of black women had married and 66% of black men have been married at least once…and the majority of black homes were helmed by two parents….that can’t be said today. The percentage of unmarried women having a child went from mid 30’s in the 60’s to as high as 60% in the mid 1980’s.

    Marriage rates and marriageable men: a test of the Wilson hypothesis. (includes appendices)
    Journal of Human Resources
    | January 01, 1995 | Wood, Robert G. |

    So, you know what I don’t think this should be chalked up to a history of slavery b/c this has been a recent phenomenon that has happened in the last 40-50 years. Nor was the person blaming religious black women for being to religious to get a men.

    http://survivingdating.com/black-churches-how-black-churches-keep-african-american-women-single-and-alone

    You took the article out of context…it wasn’t blaming black women…it treats black women as victims of sexism perpetuated by these black churches. These churches tell the women to “pray” and bam a men would come to your life….and this person states the church perpetuate strict gender roles that is harmful to the black women. Blame is on the church.

  3. Vanessa,

    I respectfully disagree.

    I did not blame the disparity in black marriage statistics on slavery alone. My point is that the cause includes history, poverty and a number of factors more complicated that how black women spend their Sunday mornings.

    This post is about CNN’s reporting on Deborah Cooper’s article. And that, I believe, does follow the now familiar pattern of urging black women to change something about themselves to become more appealing to black men.

    But, for the record, I also disagree with Cooper’s general thesis. CNN quotes her as saying:

    “Black women are interpreting the scriptures too literally. They want a man to which they are ‘equally yoked’ — a man that goes to church five times a week and every Sunday just like they do.”

    “Evenly yoked” may be a Christian religious term, but the sentiment behind it knows no religious or racial bounds. When looking for a life partner, one should pursue a person whose beliefs, values and interests are compatible. If you’re a traveler and thrill-seeker, your partnership will be far easier if you find someone with your lust for life. If your faith (or lack thereof) is important to you, it stands to reason that you would partner with someone who shares or abides those beliefs. Marriages that involve two people who share key values are inherently stronger. Stable relationships don’t result from one person contorting their true selves to please another.

    I am not a religious woman. But whether or not I agree with it, religious black women (and all women) have a right to look for partners that share their values.

    Cooper continues: “If they meet a black man that is not in church, they are automatically eliminated as a potential suitor. This is just limiting their dating pool.”

    And that, to me, is the wrong message to send to women. Black women ought not be asked to change something important to them–whatever that something is–solely to expand their dating pool.

  4. It’s telling that the framing of the issue is always that het black women “want” or “expect” “too much” from their partners — i.e. saying that some people are free to hold out for a partner that meets their expectations for partnership and other people are supposed to be happy to be loved at all.

    It’s fucked up.

  5. Lauren:
    I agree; but I think this is really just an arbitrarily anti-religious tweak on the bullshit that’s always being tossed at women of all races, about “not expecting too much” or “being willing to settle.” And of course, it’s always just using the ambiguity between the true-but-obvious meaning “sometimes people demand too much from their partners” and the surprising-but-idiotic meaning “a woman should marry absolutely any man, even if she doesn’t really like him.”

    The “this is the churches’ fault!” line just adds a level of silliness. “Black women are religious — and sometimes they have trouble finding happiness in their relationships!!! This is a disaster never experienced by any other human beings!!! Curse those black churches!!!”

  6. … I don’t think this article is anti-religious. It’s not saying that religion has no place in these women’s lives – it’s blaming them pretty directly for interpreting the scripture too literally.

    I don’t know; it diagnoses being single as the problem, and the woman to be the cause of it.

  7. I’m with Lauren- I’m frusturated by the argument that black women are doing something fundamentally wrong and therefore unable to find a spouse. Educated? Successful? Religious? Shame on us.

    I would much prefer to discuss why black men haven’t caught up, instead of blaming black women for doing positive things. And I have read several articles that suggest black women just settle. Lower all standards. Marry drug dealers. Marry men who are already in jail. Marry a child molester. I mean, it’s pretty fucking ridiculous and it’s telling that only women of color get this advice. Unfortunately, black men (think Steve Harvey) have jumped on this trend.

  8. I don’t know how “equally yoked” can be interpreted too literally. (I’m directing this at the article, not PrettyAmiable) It means to find someone who has similar values and beliefs to you. I highly doubt that black women are waiting for a man who has the same job, drives the same car, dislikes the same food, and prefers the same breakfast cereal.

  9. I can’t wait for the day when I read an article entitled “Black Women were ahead of the game. Screw Marriage.”

    People are fascinated by what Black Women are doing “wrong” because no one wants to talk about racism or men.

    “Men just wanna fuck and don’t want to marry” isn’t exactly news.

    I was looking at a sex/marriage survey a few months ago and marriage rates were particulars interesting—at each age bracket about 10% more women were married than men. I think there’s also a few surveys out there that say that marriage is better for men than women….so the question is, if marriage is so good for men, why aren’t more getting married? What is “wrong” with men? Is masculinity preventing men from getting married?

    But rarely does anyone find that interesting. *sigh*

  10. @ Athenia – I’ve already written that article. It’s called “Why Women Should Not Get Married” which explains that religious and the White media’s focus on what’s wrong with Black women which prevents them from being married like White women are is being taken out of context. I say that many Black women understand that marriage is b.s. anyway and aren’t trying to get married now or anytime in the future.

    However, for those women that DO want to get married, which seems to be primarily those that follow some sort of religious belief, they should be able to make that dream come true. What I am telling them in my article is that you can try as long as you want to find a man to whom you are “equally yoked” … a man all up in the church and a sanctified praying tithing believer like you are. You will die single if you do because Brothas ain’t trying to go to church.

    Each of the reviews above failed to focus on that key statistic. Churches are full of WOMEN. So the singles ministry – ALL WOMEN. The services on Sunday – single and married WOMEN with a few husbands and teens and old men thrown in for variety. The committees which run the churches — WOMEN. So I am merely pointing out to you all that if you want to meet a husband, and you don’t see men in church, obviously that means you need to get up off your knees, turn around, walk out the church house, and go someplace where men are.

    This is not rocket science and I don’t understand why so many women get angry about me saying it. It’s the same if you are trying to become a millionaire. Why hang around a bunch of broke folks with no ambition and no education? Wouldn’t you go seek out some millionaires to emulate and associate with? Well, same thing here. How you gonna find a husband and have a God blessed marriage and family if you hang around a bunch of single women all the time? Sheesh.

Comments are currently closed.