In which I talk about my really like disproportional, somewhat inexplicable, and frankly kind of embarrassing love of Disney films! …again. Y’all, I swear, I think about things other than this! Like all the fucking time! Like, I HAVE semi-substantialish posts in the works, I do! Buuuut none of them are going to get done tonight sadly, and man, wasn’t my last post ever a total bummer (which: I really, really appreciate the comments on that post, which I do not have time to respond substantively to right now which I feel terrible about, but – thanks to all who have done so for sharing)? Plus, Monday start with “M,” and so does music, which this is, and so does Mulan, which this also is, and so do both make and man, which are also relevant words to tonight’s babbling session post!
So: Mulan! I ♥ this movie, pretty weirdly intensely, especially since I can’t even really claim childhood nostalgia for it since I was like ten when it came out, which is kind of beyond the pop-culture-imprinting stage. THE BAD THINGS that exist in like seriously every Disney movie, like I thought Great Mouse Detective was maybe the exception because it’s about mice, in England? But then I watched some clips from it a while back (seriously people, I need a new hobby) and Basil’s first appearance is in this totally racist disguise and you’re like, “…ah. WELL then.”
…that was supposed to be an introduction, let’s try this again. THE BAD THINGS: racism, pretty much. There’s a lot of humor that has a kind of undercurrent of “lolz Asian people are funny,” and also I admit I am not really well-versed enough in almost-ancient (? what is the cut-off for ancient, exactly? I was thinking BC but that’s super Western-centric of me, isn’t it, which is even wronger than usual in this case) Chinese culture to detail the particulars of this but it being Disney, I am just going to go ahead and assume they get it horridly, wildly, egregiously wrong. Also, the Huns are like, literally inhuman-looking, which, what is up with THAT? So, as per always: this is just as if not more important, and I care about it at least equally in a very different way, than the thing I am going to talk about super-enthusiastically below!
Now that that is clear, may I present to you: what is pretty commonly agreed upon by every person I’ve ever asked, at least, as the greatest Disney song ever (it also cracks the top five of the list of most people my age I know of Best Songs To Sing Along Drunkenly Too, right up there with Don’t Stop Believin’):
VIDEO: “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You” from Mulan, discussion of which immediately follows, full description of which at the end!
So FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE (which: WHY? answer: probably because you have better taste in film than I do), the super-short version is: the Huns are invading China, the Emperor requires every family to send an eligible dude to the army, Mulan (a daughter and only child) fears for her elderly father’s failing health and so disguises herself as a dude to go in his stead. Wacky hijinks ensue, also acts of heroism and general bad-assery, and she has a spirit-animal dragon guardian voiced by Eddie Murphy. If for some reason you want the full story, Wikipedia is your friend.
At this point in the movie, it is the first day of… boot camp, I guess, or Disneyfied-incorrectly-portrayed-ancient-Chinese-army-equivalent. The song is basically Shang, her captain (voiced, awesomely, by B. D. Wong), telling his people they have to shape the fuck up or… get killed. Except he phrases it, essentially, as “man up,” promising them (as possibly you smart readers have guessed) that he will make men out of them.
Sexism like whoa, right? Right! But what makes this awesome is that, of course, Mulan is among his “men,” and she mans up with the rest of them! Thus, the scene becomes a super-efficient demonstration of the artificiality of assigning traits as belonging to a particular biological sex! Disney has a couple other heroines who could be argued to do their own versions of ass-kicking, but to my knowledge none of them kick the ass specifically of enforced gender roles, and also invading armies. Gender essentialism: take THAT!
Adding to the fuck-off-gender-essentialism aspect of this song is that the first time we meet Mulan, she’s making herself all properly-feminine to meet the local matchmaker, looking rather unhappy as she does it, and then totally failing at performing enforced femininity to the extent that the matchmaker is like, “GTFO, NO HUSBAND FOR YOU.” She gets all sad and sings a song that was also a Christina Aguilera song about how her reflection doesn’t show who she is inside – being forced to conform to standards of femininity bums her the fuck out! She ultimately finds fulfillment and a feeling of self-worth in definitively dude-coded behaviors! I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW HAPPY THIS MADE ME AS A CHILD. Happy enough to totally love the movie even though at the ripe old age of ten I kind of thought like I should be over Disney movies (LOL, WAS I EVER WRONG). Honestly, the fact that she failed at compulsory femininity made me even happier as a kid, I think, than her eventual BAMF-status – I played with Barbies but my real childhood heroines were usually the ones who had no interest in the whole feminine thing (see also: my blog-moniker namesake, Harriet The Spy, who cares so amazingly little about the whole deal it took me until I was much older to register her utter apathy and recognize that in retrospect, that was definitely something that had drawn me to her). Which is not to knock femininity at all! I am into some aspects of it myself! But girls into feminine-coded behaviors are pretty easy to find in kid-oriented art & entertainment, and girls who are not are… harder to find, to say the least, so as a wee one I tended to relish them especially.
IN CONCLUSION: I do sometimes think and write about things that are not Disney movies, I swear, but not right now; Mulan is a badass, especially by Disney and, really, by US-pop-culture standards; and this is more or less what my writing looks like when I don’t spend like three hours on a post, so now you all know why I don’t have a real blog.
VIDEO DESCRIPTION TIME, for those who cannot watch it (let’s not talk, okay, about how I could, if I tried really hard, probably do this with a fair amount of accuracy without rewatching the video, because that will cause me to ask some questions about my life I’m not sure I’m emotionally prepared to answer) or choose not to, though, really, if you can, I highly recommend it, but also I have EXTRAORDINARILY QUESTIONABLE TASTE, so. It’s your life, maaaan!
DRAMATIS PERSONAE: Shang, would-be-totes-hot-if-he-were-not-a-cartoon captain; Mulan, our feisty heroine dressed up as a dude in Disneyfied-Chinese-army-garb; her eventual army buddies, Chien-Po (tall fat sweet-tempered bald guy), Yao (short black-eyed tempestuous dude… voiced by Harvey Fierstein, WHAT, learn something new every day!), and Ling (skinny… nondescript dude); and Mushu, Eddie Murphy as a cartoon orange guardian dragon.
BEFORE THE VID: Shang has told his troops that they’ll know they’re ready when they can retrieve an arrow from the top of a tall, smooth wooden pole (must… resist… inappropriate… joke), while carrying up with them two gold discs on ribbons, representing strength and discipline.
AT THE START OF THE VIDEO: Yao, Ling, Chien-Po, and Mulan try to get even a little ways up the pole and fail miserably. As Mulan rubs her aching back and resumes her place in line, Shang rubs the back of his neck and says, “We’ve got a long way to go.” He passes out narrow poles to his troops; Yao snatches Mulan’s and trips her before giving it to her.
COMMENCE SINGING. Action descriptions refer to the lyrics just above.
SHANG: Let’s get down to business to defeat the Huns; did they send me daughters when I asked for sons? You’re the saddest bunch I ever met, but you can bet, before we’re through: mister, I’ll make a man out of you.
[Shang demonstrates his impressive pot-destroying skills with his pole; Yao sticks a beetle down Mulan’s back and she flails, knocking into her neighbors and setting off a cartoony chain reaction that ends with everyone on the ground; Mushu and her lucky cricket facepalm; Shang pole-vaults over to her to say the title line right into her face.]
SHANG: Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within; once you find your center, you are sure to win; you’re a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and you haven’t got a clue; somehow I’ll make a man out of you.
[Shang successfully demonstrates and the army – specifically Mulan – fails at various tasks: tossing up a fruit and shooting it with an arrow into a target on a tree; beating off with a pole rocks being hurled at you while balancing a bucket of water on your head; reaching into a river and bringing up a fish (Mulan brings up Yao’s foot instead, awkward!)]
CHIEN-PO: I’m never gonna catch my breath!
YAO: Say goodbye to those who knew me!
[: they struggle to dodge flaming arrows]
LING: Boy was I a fool in school for cutting gym!
[As he tries to smash a cement block with his face and knocks out several teeth]
MUSHU: This guy’s got ’em scared to death!
MULAN: Hope he doesn’t see right through me!
[Shang kicks Muan’s ass at hand-to-hand combat; Mushu squeezes water from a cloth onto her black eye]
CHIEN-PO: Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!
[He nervously jumps from pole to pole above a raging river]
SHANG (with male chorus back-up): (be a man!) You must be swift as a coursing river! (be a man!) With all the strength of the great typhoon! (be a man!) With all the force of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon.
[the army tries, and fails some more, to alight firecracker-bomb-things and hit the target of a Hun-fascimile; Ling trips Mulan, whose firecracker goes into the tent of the official of the emperor bent on proving Shang’s unworthiness as a captain; Shang sits sadly on a hillside at night.]
SHANG: Time is racing towards us till the Huns arrive; heed my every order and you might survive!
[The army struggles to carry poles on their backs weight down with packs of some kind on either side, which Shang does easily; the mean government official points towards Mulan, who is collapsing at the back; Shang goes, takes her pack from her, and looks down scornfully]
SHANG: You’re unsuited for the rage of war, so pack up, go home, you’re through – how could I make a man out of you?
[At night, Shang walks Mulan’s horse to her, saying these words as he kicks her out; on her way out, Mulan grabs the strength and discipline discs for one last try]
CHORUS AGAIN, sung entirely by a male chorus (Be a man, etc.)
[Mulan looks at the discs pensively, has an idea; uses the ribbons to loop the discs around the pole and around each other, turning them into a loop with which she can hoist herself up; slowly but surely climbs as the sun rises and the troops come out of their tents and gather around her anxiously; Shang comes out of his tent and immediately sees the arrow from the pole hit the ground in front of him, looks up to see Mulan sitting contentedly atop the pole with the discs]
CHORUS AGAIN
[montage of the army succeeding spectacularly at all the tasks they failed at before]