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Sam Sifton describes my ideal man.

Jill

In his review of the delicious Prime Meats, which I fear is now going to become even more crowded (the weisswurst and the spaetzle are otherwordly), Sifton describes the staff as “exceptionally well trained and efficient, a crew of handsome men and women dressed as if ready to ride horses back home to Bushwick, where they trap beaver and make their own candles.”

Sounds about right. Also sounds like a delightful one-sentence description of my ideal man.

I know we can’t all write like Sam Sifton, but give it a shot. Your attempt to paint an enchanting little portrait of your perfect mate (or friend or whatever). Go!

29 thoughts on Sam Sifton describes my ideal man.

  1. Your ideal man traps beaver, traps vagina, steals and holds hostage female agency? Deconstruct your ideals and reveal the patriarchy-pandering subtext within *projectile vomits down a sluice pointed like a water slide into the Mainstream*

    1. Ahaha you have go to be kidding.

      Although congratulations, you may have just won Most Ridiculous Over-Thinking Blog Comment of All Time.

  2. Not to doublepost but my previous post was a joke. My ideal mate would be dressed as if ready to dive headfirst into a vomit-filled sluice pointed like a water slide into the Mainstream, contributing her own bile to our brine and coming out arms in locked akimbo like a tandem parent disappointed, a beast with two scolds, doing a series of flips in cultural despair and ennui

    1. Not to doublepost but my previous post was a joke.

      Oh! Ha, sorry! We actually do get ridiculous comments like that pretty regularly, so…

      But good one 🙂

  3. My ideal partner is a handsome butch womyn with progressive politics who can build furniture, take great photos and wash my dishes. She’s also sitting a few feet away from me.

  6. My ideal partner, or mate, is a suga momma — who is currently cooking stinky fish in the kitchen — and has a car which she doesn’t drive because she likes to be chauffered by her butch. All in all, my partner though, is a lovely young womyn with a social justice conscience and a rational, pragmatic point of view (that especially helps when shopping for tools on my credit card). My partner has many lovely qualities and gifts (although I am still waiting for my x-mas gift, but that is not the same “gifts” I am talking about) that often create the person that she is and the lovliness that I adore. Without my partner, I wouldn’t eat my vegetables! Or fruit. And I’d probably be living out of a box in some dark alley somewhere had it not been for her kindness and understanding. My partner loves me unconditionally, but absolutely draws the line on Wendy’s hamburgers. Is that ideal or what?! Who the hell is sam sifton?

  7. @ Femsei
    Thanks, honey. You really upstaged me. And we’re now co-opted this thread, I think. Sorry Jill!

    1. Oh you two. I am vomiting with saccharine-infused red-hot jealousy.

      Sifty is the New York Times food critic. I love him.

  8. @femsei I’ve never read his work before but from the quoted piece Sam Sifton is probably someone who uses figurative language to describe something evocatively. Like look at your post and pretend it’s the opposite of how it’s currently written, and then imagine me screaming “Booya” from the outskirts of a night terror from which you awaken, clutching your lover in existential confusion about the idea of writing something not unreadably trite

  10. aaaah, that sifty — yes, just read the article — been there (weisswurst), done that (spaetzle). my momma makes a mean spaetzle with weisswurst — at the time, was only ten and didn’t know credit cards existed, otherwise, could have pulled out the ol’ gold card and bought my momma a new stove, but I digress.

    Siftt certainly seems to write the “bite” into food and has a certain panache for food- flare- fun — I believe that there is a fourth “f” word in there, but that happened along time ago in a first year psychology class. you know what I’m talkin’ about, um hmmm.

  12. Rich.

    It took me half my life to understand that when my mom kept telling me “it’s just as easy to love a rich man as a poor one” she meant it’s not easy loving either one, so why not the rich one?

  13. I didn’t know who my ideal partner would be until I met him… It’s funny because on all the superficial data points, we’re polar opposites, but then underneath that, we have the exact same perspective on things.

  15. By mere confidence she conjures my consent; what she has the desire to ask I will find the courage to do.

    (I don’t know Sifton.)

  16. I can’t wait for the inevitable Prime Meats backlash, so that it’ll be easier to get a table again. If you go, don’t pass up a plate of the really fresh oysters. And get a Setenta y Cinco cocktail…

  17. Well, she probably reads feministe or sites like it, and we can bond over our mutual love of cooking and how frustrating it can be to date non-feminists.

    feministedating.us, anybody? This could work…

  18. Kind. Kind, kind, kind, kind. Kind in all weather, when angry, when disappointed. Kind to waiters, kind to children, kind to animals, kind to strangers (but nobody’s fool.) Not passive but kind. Kind as a choice, kind as a religion. Thoughtful and kind. Either male or female or other, but not too attached to what they happen to be. Kind to me.

  19. My ideal partner(s) is/are alive, passionate, sincere, and okay with open (maybe polyamorous) relationships. That is all. Oh, and likes puppies and outdoor kittens (just read about some virus contracted through cleaning litter boxes and not washing afterwards, not taking any chances). Also, liking Star Trek, old school (to me) cartoons/shows, lots and lots of movies and poetry is helpful. Being a leftist is super important and somewhat of a deal breaker (not saying libertarians need not apply….but, uhmmm yeah). Being a total degen or at least able to understand one helps, liking silence and terribad jokes may also be helpful.

    But at the end of the day it goes back to the first four points and being willing to put up with me.

  20. “Not passive but kind. Kind as a choice, kind as a religion.” Beautifully described.

  21. Respectful, has feminist and anti-oppression ideals, listens, is engaged, intelligent, thoughtful, energetic but with the capacity for occasional laziness (because who doesn’t love to sit around, wrapped in blankets, eating peanuts and watching an entire season of Six Feet Under?), interested in having a family someday, social, resourceful, has a few high-quality close friends that he isn’t afraid to love, and has a creative spirit. Thankfully, I just described my husband. Let’s hope nothing changes 🙂

  22. I can decide between:
    Gregory Peck in “To Kill A Mockingbird.” Handsome, loving, gentle and a hero.

    Or James Stewart in “Harvey.” Handsome, loving, gentle, friendship for an invisible six-foot tall rabbit, and martinis.

    Gregory Peck in “Harvey”? Could be the winner.

  23. um, pardon, but screw the ideal whatever mate.

    I came here and stayed here for the Next Top Troll.
    What happened? Do we have our next top troll or what? And WHEN.

  24. Next Top Troll will be back soon, I promise! I’ve just been swamped and have not had time to put together the final rounds.

  25. give me an honorable mention in next top troll please. I worked really hard and just want a PepsiCo rep to read my stupid pun. Thanks in advance Feministe, and thank you Pepsi

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