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Greatest Oracle EVER

Jill

I’m doing this partly to move Che down from his #1 position on this site, and partly because this thing is amazingly accurate:

Jill Filipovic, Your ideal job is a Professional Tramp.

and when I put my full name in…

Jill Nicole Filipovic, Your ideal job is a Gigolo.

How did they know??

39 thoughts on Greatest Oracle EVER

  3. As Robert [Lastname], I’m also a gigolo.

    As Robert John [Lastname], I’m a…princess

    As Robert John [Lastname] II (I’m named after my grandfather), I’m a garden gnome…or a drag queen, depending on if I use a comma.

  6. It says I should be doing what I’m doing now. Which is a complete cop-out, and also true, unless that quality control checker job opens up at the whiskey and porn factory.

  7. It’ll be a pleasure working wih you, Robert. But we’ve laid off the porn division.

    – Chris Clarke, Puppeteer (which would have come in handy with the porn)

  8. variants on my name netted me

    Village idiot, Suicide Bomber, prostitute, “Anything except what you’re doing now,” Ping Pong Ball Inspector, and Garden gnome

    and my little brother is appearantly “God for everyone.”

    I am saddened and bemused.

  10. Funny. I put in my birth name, and it said my ideal job is a porn star.

    I put in my *real* (if not official yet) name, and it said my ideal job is a prime minister.

    Hmmm . . . which means if the theofascists get to be too much and I move to Canada or England, I’ll be Prime Minister, and if I stay here in America I’ll be President. And if I don’t get around to legally changing my name, I’ll be a porn star, in which case I’ll change my name to something pornstarrish. At which point I’ll have a different ideal job from this thing.

    This is making my head spin. It’s really too late at night to be calculating all the possibilities here. I’m staying up because I have no class tomorrow and in about seventeen minutes I’ll be twenty-one (or maybe I am already; birth-time vs midnight), and in three and a half days or so I’ll be able to drink (I’m stuck on a dry campus, with no car, and in addition waiting for the Department of Motor Vehicles to give me my new driver’s license), so soon my head will be spinning enough from alcohol, without me trying to figure out what my ideal job would be if I didn’t change my name and so became a porn star and therefore changed my name. There is wine at home and a little tiny bottle of Godiva white chocolate liqueur at the local liquor store and my dad promised to make me a whiskey and sour, so yeah. My head will be spinning enough. I’ll just change my name to what it should be and then become prime minister or president.

    *is happy*

  11. Entering my first and last name got me, “Your ideal job is a lottery winner – no need to work !!” I think I could live with that.

  14. Such insight and wisdom! I couldn’t agree more than this assessment:

    caitlyn, Your ideal job is a God for everyone.

    Still, I can’t help but think this is the response intended for Echidne

  17. Lynn Gazis, Your ideal job is a Traffic Warden.

    Lynn Gazis-Sax, Your ideal job is a Porn Star. (Wow, I get a lot more, um, let’s call it sex-positive, when I use my married name.)

    Lynn Diana Gazis, Your ideal job is a Office bike.

    Lynn D. Gazis, Your ideal job is a Rally Car Driver.

    I think I’m best off going for Lynn D. Gazis; Rally Car Driver sounds the most fun of the above.

  19. As my full name, an Animal therapist (Lauren- maybe it has to do with our first names? Do we sound kooky like that?).

    No middle name- “your ideal job is in a land far far away”

    Middle initial- Church minister. The hell?

    First initial, last name- Puppeteer. Sweet.

    First and Middle initial plus last name- Circus Freak. hee.

  20. I went back and put in my lawyer name:

    R. John [Lastname] II, your ideal job is Satan!

    Heh heh.

  21. Usual used (middle) name/last name got me “You, work? Who are you kidding?” Full name got me professional assassin. First name last name got me alien investigator. Perhaps I can investigate aliens and then assassinate them…for a price.

  23. John Taylor, Your ideal job is a Satan.

    Sorry, gotta go, it’s busy, busy, busy!!!

    Fires to build, people to damn, it just never ends.

  26. “Your ideal job is a alcholic tester.”

    What’s an alcoholic tester? Alcohol tester, yes, that would be my dream job.

  27. Pingback: I See Invisible People

  28. Using my real name, I am supposed to be a Brain Surgeon or a Drag Queen. Hmmm. I’ve always wanted to be a brain surgeon. I wonder if it’s too late to get into medical school.

  29. Thank you, Lauren! And did George Bush’s name really come out as “anything where you can kiss ass?” Because that is the most awesome thing I’ve seen since the Roberts confirmation hearings when someone told him to go ahead and continue to not answer the questions.

  30. I just tried Dick Cheney’s full name (or rather my best guess as to his full name) and it said “anything other than what you’re doing now.”

    Osama bin Laden’s ideal job is a Mermaid!

    Jesus Christ’s ideal job is “a Emperor of all the world.” I’m assuming they’re talking about Pat Robertson’s Jesus Christ.

    Speaking of Pat Robertson, his is a “teasmaid.” Any idea what that is?

    Jerry Falwell: speaking clock stand-in.
    Rick Santorum: dog walker.
    Harriet Miers: housekeeper.
    George Walker Bush: used car salesman. Why am I not surprised?
    George Herbert Walker Bush: cowboy. *is puzzled*
    Darth Vader: cowboy. *is puzzled and also very amused*
    Severus Snape: alien investigator.

  31. For the record:

    1st & Last name got me declared a “princess”. While I’m an Overlord, not a princess, at least the predictor got the right job category for me (royalty/rulers).

    1st, middle, last – housekeeper. Nope, nope, nope.

    nickname + last name – supermodel. I’m the complete opposite of one of those, physically & otherwise, so that one’s comedic.

  32. I really should’ve put this in the first post, but anyway, some other predictions for other folks (sorry I had to do it):

    Michelle Malkin – Chef
    Ann Coulter – Ping Ping Ball Inspector(make of that what you will…)
    James Dobson – Stunt Person
    Mel Gibson – Street Sweeper
    Arnold Schwarzneggar – Office Gopher
    Charlotte Hays (of IWF fame)- Stand Up Comedian
    Pat Buchanan – Astrologer
    Bay Buchanan – Mime Artist (obviously miming her brother…)
    Chris Matthews – your ideal job is the job you have now (I’m serious; it says this)
    Bill O’Reilly – Rally Car Driver
    Rush Limbaugh – Hypnotist
    Michael Savage – Children’s Teacher (!!!)
    Don Imus – Money Advisor
    Howard Stern – Professional Shopper

  33. When I put my name in, it said I ought to be a church minister – kind of a hard task for an atheist. The addition of my middle name, however, made it say I ought to be prime minister. Which is what I’ve been telling people ever since I was little.

  34. how horribly ironic, given my hatred for Mr Cruise, that I am a Top Gun Pilot.
    am not a particular fan of Val Kilmer, either.
    but was entertaining to see my child-phobic sister’s name come up with “Children’s Teacher”…

  35. I actually got church minister as among my ideal jobs when I took that standard aptitude test all my class got when I was in high school. But only if I was a boy. There was a boy list of ideal jobs for me, with minister around the top of the list, and a girl list, with social worker around the top of the list. Most of my friends scored as bookstore owners. So I grew up and became a computer professional.

  38. I was interested to learn that most of the men in my family should really be drag queens. (I’ve told my brother for years that he should work in a drag review, actually. But my dad? Hard to picture.)

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