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Dolphins Gone Wild

Lauren

I know this is dangerous but I can’t take it seriously.

Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.

Experts who have studied the US navy’s cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying ‘toxic dart’ guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet’s smartest. The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing.

Rambo

Take a moment with me to imagine the conversations people are having about the dolphins:
“Have we secured the dolphins?”
“We’re working on it, sir.”
“What has happened so far?”
“What happened? Gunfights, explosions, sharks, the usual.”

Posted in War

21 thoughts on Dolphins Gone Wild

  1. Next thing you know, the Bush administration will say that we need to attack Iran because they’ve kidnapped our dolphins and turned them into the Flippers of Evil.

  2. God Damnit. Words cannot describe how mad this makes me. Turning dolphins into soldiers is evil. At least human soldiers have chosen to become brainwashed. It is just like our military to discover an animal is smart and exploit this intelligence to carry out their violent agendas.

  3. I’m looking at that picture and I’m scared enough as it is. You can see by the dolphin’s expression that he is up to no good. Who would give arms to a dolphin as menacing as that? I’m not surprised that some of the dolphins have taken off with their weapons, no doubt to start their own heavily armed rebel dolphin paramilitary and tyrannize the sea. Be afraid.

  4. Cry “Havoc” and let slip the dolphins of war.

    naw just does not have that zing.

    I can see dolphins finding things, assisting wit salvage, planting mines, things like that but carrying dart guns and attacking a specific human target , naw, don’t buy it.

    hell, dolphins are probably more moral than humans if left to their own devises.

  6. Somehow, I can’t believe the Navy would lose 36 dolphins. One or two, yes (that apparently happened in the Persian Gulf when one of their dolphins made a run for it). But 36?

    I’m aware that eight dolphins in Gulfport got swept out of their tank, and four were recovered. But 36?

  8. That’s because nobody saw that movie, Lauren. Now let us not speak of the movie that nobody saw even though it was on TBS 49,584 times ever again.

    But not to worry; in every other thread that this story has appeared, the well-travelled sharks-with-laser-beams to ill-tempered-sea-bass line of reference has been quickly beaten into the ground.

  9. hell, dolphins are probably more moral than humans if left to their own devises.

    I hear that dolphins rape, bully, and murder other dolphins, so I guess in some respects we’re about even.

  11. They’re Democratic dolphins you know. If they were Republican dolphins, we could find them in DC, putting in a billion dollar bid for clean up.

  12. I freaked out about this story and sent it to everyone I know. But if you think about it, is it likely that they were actually wearing their toxic dart gun things when the hurricane hit? Surely they only wear them for exercises. I can’t believe that these people would be stupid enough to let the dolphins go around armed with darts all the time. But then, I can’t believe anyone is stupid enough to turn dolphins into soldiers, either. It’s absurd, and reads like the dodgy premise of a futuristic horror movie, doesn’t it?

  13. this just reminds me of that Simpsons Halloween episode where Lisa helps free a captive dolphin and to get revenge, the dolphins team up and walk on to shore to take back the Earth and all the humans end up back in the sea. “They made me do tricks…like a common seal!”

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  16. “I hear that dolphins rape, bully, and murder other dolphins, so I guess in some respects we’re about even.”

    Ah, well I guess I am woefully naive about dolphin turpitude.

    Next you will be telling me that monkeys throw turds and whack off in front of people.

    Re bad movie reference: Got it just did not mention it, there was a t.v. series too. Like Lassie just no wet dog smell.

  17. Is Dr. Evil working for the Department of Defense now?

    You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here!

  19. Well, apparently the sole source for this story has a history of promoting total nonsense in the Guardian / Observer. Also, the Navy supposedly reckon dolphins aren’t any use for search & destroy, because you can’t teach them the difference between friend and foe.

    Source

  20. Really, it’s in the same vein as the U.S. military’s project during World War II to use bats to deliver incendiary devices to Japanese targets.

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