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Eve and Her Two Mothers

Jay

Facebook brings up all sorts of etiquette issues I never would have expected. Friend your boss? Tell your cousin that the pictures of drunken revelry are upsetting the grandparents? Mention your upcoming trip to Big City even if you don’t want to see all the Big City Facebook friends while you’re there? Who knew these would be the burning questions of our day?

And who knew that I would log on one day to see my daughter’s picture in someone else’s Facebook profile?

We started out with a “semi-open” adoption; we met Laura when she was pregnant with Eve but didn’t exchange any personal information, and only had contact through the adoption agency. We left it that way for several years, but then we had two disrupted adoptions (that’s what it’s called when the baby’s birthparents change their minds) and we wanted to stop dealing with the agency. We also had gotten beyond our fear that contact with Laura would disrupt our family. So we sent our address, phone and Emails to Laura in our next letter, and a week later she called. Now she calls a few times a year, we have regular Email contact to exchange pictures, and Laura and I are Facebook friends.

We maintain this relationship, uncomfortable as it is, because it’s the right thing to do for Eve. It is challenging to come face-to-face with Laura’s pain every time we chat and she asks me what Eve is doing. I know my discomfort is nothing compared to hers. I know I am a mother because of my class privilege, my education, my relative wealth. And every time the relationship shifts, I have to recalibrate. I have to talk myself through it each time.

Tonight I signed on to Facebook and found that Laura had posted a picture of Eve, customized into a little animated-star image of an angel. No caption, just the photo.

My first thought was no. Not on your profile. Not my kid.

Sam had the same reaction I did, and then he looked at me and said “Why are we uncomfortable”? Well, because it’s our kid. Except that we can’t say she’s not Laura’s child, can we? No, we can’t.

And it’s not supposed to be about us. It’s supposed to be about Eve.

What would Eve think? I bet Eve would think it was pretty cool. Maybe it will help counteract any questions Eve has about Laura’s love for her. Documentary evidence, right?

So I didn’t ask Laura to take the picture off.

No one taught me Facebook etiquette when I was growing up, and no one taught me how to build a relationship with my daughter’s birthmother. One of these things is more important than the other, but both require common sense, clarity of purpose and generosity of soul. Here’s hoping I can find all three when I need them.

14 thoughts on Eve and Her Two Mothers

  1. Those first few are easy. NEVER friend your boss, and ALWAYS use the restricted profile for any cousin who might possibly alert your grandparents to what you’re doing.

    Your situation…just a little bit trickier. I think you handled it gracefully. I don’t plan on having kids, so I don’t think it’s a situation I’ll find myself in any time soon, but if I ever do, I think I will use your behavior as an example.

  2. What if your boss IS a friend in real life? 😀 (Yes, I’ve actually worked with a personal friend in that capacity. For the most part, all was cool. It helped that it was “just” retail, I’m sure….) And sadly, my life is so boring that compromising pictures of me are simply not to be had. Unless you count the “dressed up for Rocky Horror and hamming it up with a friend” ones…

    Jay, you are an awesome mom. I could wish that my (adoptive) parents had been that cool. On the other hand, open adoptions weren’t anywhere near being the norm when I was adopted (I am 41 this summer), and frankly, my birth mother would not have been a great candidate for that kind of relationship, I don’t think. (Yes, I do know her, have some contact with her, and it’s occasionally really, really weird.) That you are able to put your — totally normal and justifiable — feelings of discomfort aside for the sake of your daughter is simply awesome.

    So, are you going to share this with Eve? I’m not sure how old she is or if it would be appropriate to do so. But like you said, this is documented evidence that her birth mom loves her too. That can’t be a bad thing. 😀

  3. Adoptive parents have to do all kinds of things that parents who manage to get pregnant the old-fashioned way never have to worry about. Interviews, classes, background checks, fees, questions from curious strangers.

    But the biggest thing we have to do is realize that our kids are never JUST our kids. We’ve always got to share them.

    These aren’t bad things, but they sure are jarring when they happen. And it’s not helped that there’s no manual for how to handle all these situations. FWIW, I think you handled it very well.

    Better than I did the first time my little ones’ birth mom picked up the pacifier from the floor and put it in her mouth to clean it off. 🙂

  4. I commend you. My half-brother was put up for adoption by my mom, his birth mom. We found him when he was 30. A couple years ago he moved closer to us but back to his small hometown and so we will probably never sleep over again. We have never tried to see him more than 1-3 times a year but just this much makes his mom really nervous and stressed. Which makes my half-brother stressed. I’ve seen that adoption is not easy. But it’s good that it’s there as an option.

  5. Laurie, I haven’t decided if I’ll share it with Eve. I wrestled with that and realized I didn’t have to make up my mind right away. It’s not like stuff on Facebook ever goes away.

    So far, Eve has not wanted to speak with Laura directly. We’re working on setting up a meeting, and when we have a time planned, I’ll want to show her some current pictures – maybe then.

    aag, I just keep telling myself that there can never be too many people to love a child. If I can manage my own feelings without making that Eve’s responsibility, she can have the benefit of an extra loving relationship, and how can that be bad?

  6. I have a number of my birthson’s pics on my FB profile. He and his older brother that I parent are often my profile pic. Love your “non-reaction” as I am not sure how my son’s mom would react.

  7. As an adult adopted in infancy who could contact her birth mother if she were on speaking terms with her (I’m not.), I would be horrified that such a thing was posted without my permission, but only because it’s so tacky. A regular pic of me? Probably wouldn’t mind.

  8. My daughter’s birth mom and I are also facebook friends but we have a fully open adoption so she’s also friends with my mom, sister, brother and son. We both post pics of Madison. But I do remember the first myspace pics on her profile and on her mom’s (Madisons grandmother) profile. It was surprising somehow.

    I write a lot about our open adoption at my blog.

  9. it’s interesting that you chose to post this here. what if she sees it? other worries of internet etiquette

  11. If you think it is awkward for you, you should try being the adopted person (in adulthood) trying to shuffle and navigate and explain your Facebook when in reunion, and everyone lives in the same town. It has taken me 20 years to get to the point of being ME and REAL and not beating myself up with loyalty issues and confusion.

  12. I am so glad my friend posted a link so I could read this today. I am having a very difficult time with a similar situation. I adopted my biological nephew. The difference is that my sister & I do not have a healthy relationship. I tried but she has issues with living a healthy life. Plus, our son knows he is adopted but does not know who his bio family is. Anyhow, I am always struggling & upset that I found out she was posting his pictures on her myspace & facebook & calling him her son. My struggly was that I really needed to let it go because he is her son too. I hope one day for Justice’s sake we can be where you & your daughter’s bio mom is. Thank you for sharing your story. I believe it will help me move forward.

  13. I have to say I am having a lot harder time sympathizing with the adopter in these circumstances. Don’t get me wrong, I thought the original post was written with the acknowledgment of privilege and the pain of the birth mother.

    The adoptive parents have the together life, the privilege and the real, living, breathing child. The tiny act of putting their birth child’s picture on a website is such a small act compared to the incredible loss of relinquishing a child for adoption.

    The birth mother IS the mother. Adoptive mothers can be mothers in their own way, too, but it should not be at the expense of the truth to the child or the respect for the biological mother for her very important role in the child’s birth.

  14. I’d say that the person whom gets to decide which person is their “mother” and which is their “(adjective) mother” is the adopted themself. I’ll drive pencils into my eyeballs before I refer to my birth mother as my (adjective not added) mother. Moreover, someone can have more than one mom.

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