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Funny/TMI Story

Jill

This has nothing to do with politics, feminism, or anything important. But it made me laugh. Stop reading now if you don’t like gross-out humor.

Last night, my friend Sean from Seattle called, very upset. He just moved into a new apartment, and when he had packed up his old place he ran out of bubble wrap and was using toilet paper to wrap up things like wine glasses and other smallish, breakable items. His mom had come over to help him back, and had placed a few things — lotion, Windex, etc — into his empty bathroom trash can so that he could move them easier. So Sean’s in his new kitchen, unpacking the trash can, and he comes across a small item wrapped up in toilet paper — “like a present,” he said. So he unwraps it, and the tension builds as he peels back the layers of paper, wondering what in the world this thing is — a little surprise his mom left for him, maybe?

Nope. It’s a used tampon applicator. My used tampon applicator, to be precise. From exactly one month ago, when I was in Seattle.

So I received a very distraught message from him, incredibly upset that I would wrap the applicator up in toilet paper — “Why did you have to make it look like a present?!” In my defense, I was being polite. I know some boys are weirded out by stuff like that, and I wouldn’t have wanted him to walk into his bathroom and see the applicator itself just sitting atop his trash. And besides, it was only an applicator. It’s not like it was an actual tampon (although he, being somewhat unfamiliar with such things, didn’t know this and was under the impression that it was an actual tampon; we got that cleared up, and I think it made him feel a little better about the whole situation). I have no idea how it didn’t get tossed out with the rest of the trash. But I had a good laugh, and he was actually a good sport about it after getting over his initial trauma, so I thought I’d share. And hey, it could have been a lot worse — an old room mate of mine used to leave her actual used tampons in the trash can instead of flushing them. That wouldn’t have been pretty.

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37 thoughts on Funny/TMI Story

  2. ACK – you FLUSH tampons???? Do you know what a number flushed tampons does on the sewer or septic system? Tampons don’t dissolve like toilet paper. Your grilfriend has the right idea – wrap them up and toss them in the trash! And, like the birthing thing – the boys need to just get a grip, and empty the trash can ALL THE WAY!

    Pretty story, though…

  3. You should have tried to convince him that it was some necessary bathroom implement.

    I know guys that have their bathrooms stocked with tampons just in case a friend or girlfriend needs one and is unprepared for a sneaky period. Tell Sean that earns major bonus points.

  4. Hell, he thinks _he’s_ been traumatized? Try being a teen-age girl when you’re staying at a house with dogs, and one of them brings a “present” it found into the living room. Or being a mom who walks in to find her kids playing with “finger puppets” they found in the trash.

    (True things that happened to friends of mine. I wrap very carefully, when disposing of tampons, believe you me!)

  5. Yeah, my childhood neighbors used them as rockets. Their mom came home and found her Costco-sized box of tampons empty, and white cotton “missiles” all over her front yet. Hilarious.

  6. With a wife and a now-21-year-old daughter, I learned a long time ago not to look into the bathroom trashcan nor try to discern its contents. Just empty that trashcan into the larger one and move on!

  7. I recently forked over $2500 to have my yard torn up & sewage pipes replaced because they got so backed up shit was floating in my basement. I got all the “don’t flushes” from the plumber. Tampons were at the top of the list for him, followed closely by paper towels, esp. good ones than hold up even while wet.

    PS, I learned the extra tampon trick from reading about Frank Sinatra. Kept a clean toothbrush around also.

  8. Yeah, flushing tampons is a great way to get to know your super.

    Try being a teen-age girl when you’re staying at a house with dogs, and one of them brings a “present” it found into the living room

    My dog recently found one in the park and was happily chewing on it when I noticed what she had in her mouth. It’s bad enough when she gets hold of one of mine, but I had to fish someone else’s out of her mouth.

    The first time I had to pull one out of her butt, I started emptying the trash whenever I left the apartment.

  9. Carrie–most tampons do say “flushable.” I’ve been flushing them for as long as I can remember, although I wonder about the signs in bathrooms that say “Please don’t flush tampons or pads in the toilets.” I always assumed they were written by men who don’t know that tampons are flushable.

  10. My plumber friend tells me that, due to their shape, those in the biz refer to them as “white rats.” He says they are the most common culprit of blockages and such. Nice name, huh?

  11. Yeah, I’ve heard about how bad tampons are for plumbing, but I always flush them anyway. I feel like NYC apartment buildings will have good plumbing systems, right? I hope so…

    The other concern is that they’re bad for the environment, since they don’t degrade as easily as some other paper products. But some companies now make biodegradable tampons, so that’s good. And there’s also re-usable options, like sea sponges and the Keeper. Either way, I would assume that tampons, flushed or not, are generally better than pads when it comes to environmental factors.

  14. That is so funny! I can’t believe he didn’t know it was the applicator…

    My Ex was a plumber. He said that just because a company puts “flushable” on the packaging in order to make a product more marketable, doesn’t mean they actually consulted the people who would actually have to solve the problem of repairing the clogs. He was quite firm about tampons NOT BEING FLUSHABLE…
    Wasn’t there also some story a few months ago about some city that had a big to-do about the sewer system and having to spend a huge part of the budget to repair/replace an area where the tampons were supposed to get diverted out of the system, but it wasn’t working, and was instead getting clogged. So the response was to pay people an absurd amount of money to use a pool net to fish the tampons out of the system before they could clog up the works. I can’t remember the city now, but it wasn’t that long ago.

  15. apartment building toilet systems may be up to the task but most home plumbing systems are not and it’s a potentially very expensive thing to fix – I NEVER flush them,

    Zuzu – your story makes me glad I don’t have a dog! lol

  16. Our dog has started eating q-tips out of the trash (mostly used to clean HER floppy beagle ears). I don’t get my period very often (due to the Depo), but as soon as I saw that I vowed to go right out and buy a trashcan with a lid…just in case it happened or someone else came over. My childhood dogs used to fish tampons out of the trash and eat them…on my mom’s bed of all places. Kind of serves her right though, since she was the one that would take the lid off the trashcan in the bathroom and not put it back.

  17. My dog gets around the lid, as I discovered the hard way.

    Carrie–most tampons do say “flushable.”

    Actually, that’s just for the applicator. The tampon itself does not break down like the applicator does, so stop flushing! Jill, sewer pipes are sewer pipes whether they’re in an apartment or house. Gravity may do a better job from the 18th floor than the first, but if you have enough cotton ponies in the pipe, the pipe will clog. There’s also the little matter of the S-bend in the toilet itself.

    Don’t mind me, folks, I recently replaced a sink and so have a lot of plumbing trivia floating around my head.

  19. I think I’m going to win, both in disgusting and TMI categories:

    My dog used to eat used condoms out of the trash. Due to the “try not to look too closely at the bathroom garbage” rule, I didn’t notice they were disappearing until one day I happened to be outside with the dog at the time of, shall we say, elimination. Possibly one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen.

    Now I use her to smuggle cocaine.

  20. I think keeping tampons around for female guests is a great idea, but I can imagine the following dialogue:

    Man 1: Dude, I totally thought I was gonna score with this chick. I even kept tampons in my house for her…you know, to be all sensitive ‘n’ shit. But she freaked and hasn’t called me in two weeks!

    Man 2: (thinking) What brand did you have?

    Man 1: Uh, I dunno….Tampax, I think. That’s what I see on TV all the time.

    Man 2: Aww, man, you shoulda gone with o.b.! They’re designed by a woman gynecologist ‘n’ shit!

    Seriously, I wonder what brand to have. I know that in times of need, the principle of any port in a storm applies, but I do know that my women friends tend to have tampon preferences. So which brand to get?

  22. FWIW, the reasons I can imagine a woman freaking out about finding tampons in a new date’s apartment are (a) she thinks they belong to a girlfriend he hasn’t told her about or (b) he’s some weird kind of tampon fetishist.

    Me, I’d have been surprised if any of my boyfriends had a stash of emergency tampons; that’s the sort of thing women (or at least this woman) takes care of herself once the man in question is comfortable enough with her leaving things like a toothbrush or a hairbrush at his place.

  25. FWIW, the reasons I can imagine a woman freaking out about finding tampons in a new date’s apartment are (a) she thinks they belong to a girlfriend he hasn’t told her about or (b) he’s some weird kind of tampon fetishist.

    Me, I’d have been surprised if any of my boyfriends had a stash of emergency tampons; that’s the sort of thing women (or at least this woman) takes care of herself once the man in question is comfortable enough with her leaving things like a toothbrush or a hairbrush at his place.

    Fair enough. FWIW, I was trying to be funny. I’ll rewrite the script next time. 🙂

    An office mate of mine maintained that a man knows he has a girlfriend when she leaves “feminine hygiene products” at his place of residence for future use.

  26. An office mate of mine maintained that a man knows he has a girlfriend when she leaves “feminine hygiene products” at his place of residence for future use.

    No way. It’s when he starts finding her hair threaded up his buttcrack. Among other places.

  28. No way. It’s when he starts finding her hair threaded up his buttcrack. Among other places.

    Certainly, that would be more convincing evidence.

  29. When I did a two-week writing retreat in April, I was in a room that shared a bathroom with another writer, a woman with long wavy light-brown hair. One morning early on I used the shower after she did, and saw a knot of long, wavy light-brown hair in the drain, and suddenly felt as if I was cheating on Becky.

  30. Oh, and:

    And hey, it could have been a lot worse — an old room mate of mine used to leave her actual used tampons in the trash can instead of flushing them. That wouldn’t have been pretty.

    I’ve been trying to persuade Becky to let me compost ’em. Lots of good nitrogen in those things. And Lauren, they’re supposed to repel deer, so you might consider tying the little strings to the lower branches on your fruit trees. It’d be all Christmassy!

  31. Reiterating what I’m surprised to find so many don’t know…you **never** flush the cotton itself, unless you are prepared to deal with a clogged toilet–maybe not today, but it will happen eventually. The cardboard (not plastic) applicators are flushable…if you drop them in water, you will see that they unroll and start to disintegrate after a few minutes.

    Proper etiquette is to wrap the cotton and/or the plastic applicator really well and put it in the trash so it’s not obvious what it is.

    And anyone who flushes a pad (is that even possible?) is insane and if it’s in my house, I’ll be sending them the plumber’s bill….

  32. Lauren, they’re supposed to repel deer, so you might consider tying the little strings to the lower branches on your fruit trees. It’d be all Christmassy!

    Ooo. Better not do that where there may be bears about!

    (Not that I think Lauren need worry about that particular hazard…)

  33. Growing up, my mom never ever bought paper towels. One I moved out on my own, I bought some paper towels and immediately used them to clean the bathroom. When I was done I flushed a ton of paper towels down the toilet and promptly flooded the whole bathroom. Neither the super nor my boyfriend were pleased with me.

    I learned my lesson.

    Before I moved into this house, I had a rule about renting apartments. If you can flush a tampon, it’s livable. If you can’t, don’t sign the lease. Now I know better.

    Blogging, it’s good for something.

  34. Carrie–most tampons do say “flushable.”

    As zuzu said–that refers to the APPLICATOR.

    This is Sean’s own fault for being dumb enough to use toilet paper for bubble wrap.

  37. One of the more interesting temp jobs I did was working for a company that empties and cleans the bins they put in public restrooms for the disposal of pads and tampons. I assumed the workforce would be entirely female, but there were a handful of men, including one who was responsible for emptying the bins. None of them had any qualms about buying tampons for the women in their lives for some reason.

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