In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

Better Than A Magic Eight Ball

Lauren

Last week I got an email in my personal mailbox from a high school debater who found Feministe while researching the Hyde Amendment, who asked, “I have one question: ‘What’s with the toddler with the gun?’ How is that representative of feministe movements?”

I ignored the message, you know, because I have a rather busy non-blogging life, and because if the kid really wanted to know another quick search would reveal that the Feministe banner has been discussed more than once on the blog.

Apparently I made a huge mistake. Today I received this:

I emailed you very nicely and you neglected to respond back. This is a warning email. If you don’t reply I’m going to send another email, asking another question.

And holy shit, I think he might be serious. A WARNING EMAIL? What if he asks another question? What if he asks more than one question? What if other people ALSO HAVE QUESTIONS?

To cover our bases, I figured I should open up the floor to allow all readers and contributors to ask the Feministe bloggers anything. Anything at all! And we will respond promptly, politely, and without haste. We can’t afford to take any chances.

99 thoughts on Better Than A Magic Eight Ball

  2. Let’s see… why is it so damned hot down here? And by “down here,” I don’t mean hell, though I’m not sure I can tell the difference anymore.

    I expect an answer promptly… YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

  3. Why do bad things happen to good people?

    Why is ECHIDNE OF THE SNAKES all in capital letters on the blog roll?

    Who did put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?

    Why must I be a teenager 33-year old in love?

    If you don’t answer me, I’ll be forced to sing coffin songs. DON’T THINK I WON’T.

  4. Elle, THIS IS A WARNING RESPONSE.

    You know those people who say, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”? They are liars.

    Or: I think yogurt is supposed to help with that; it balances the pH and shit.

    NEXT QUESTION!

  5. feminist kryptonite = QUESTIONS. omg noooooooosss

    while we’re asking random whiny questions that no one is responsible for answering, why does everyone on the internet mistake me for a man? is it my totally intentional androgynous handle? the creepy male sketch i made for my banner and use also as my icon? this is your warning! omg be afraid ladies!

  6. “What if he asks another question?”

    zomg what if he doesn’t ask another question? Clearly he’s got a question in mind. What is it? Why is it so dire? What if you never find out? What if that’s the question that will let you break through to enlightenment, only he never asks it because you answer his first question? Can you afford not to ignore the warning email*, if it might cost you awareness of the true beauty and wholeness of the universe?

    *SNERK.

  7. Can you afford not to ignore the warning email*, if it might cost you awareness of the true beauty and wholeness of the universe?

    We absolutely can not.

    NEXT!

  9. “is it my totally intentional androgynous handle?”

    I want to know how people still occasionally mistake me for a dude with this handle. I mean, seriously? I’d have thought you’d have to work pretty hard to see someone making a praying mantis joke their pseudonym and still figure them for male, but I guess I thought wrong. I’m kind of tempted to switch to “Ladyperson McGee” for a while to test the strength of the “all are dudes on the intertrons” field. You know, for science! What do you predict the outcome of the experiment would be?

  10. why does everyone on the internet mistake me for a man?

    Because the internet default is male, and besides, if you don’t adorn your e-self with pink e-glitter, leaping e-unicorns, and enormous digital e-yoni, how are we supposed to know you’re a TRUE LADY? True Ladyness is pink. I suggest more pink stuff. Maybe your name should be more pink.

    NEXT!

  17. Will I be lucky in love?

    Yes! Lovable people are relatively adept at love and its attendant luckiness, so I think so, yes.

    What if I don’t want to ask you a question? huh? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THEN???!?!?!

    I will ignore your lack of emails and then you will email me about neglecting your non-questions that I will then post on this blog.

    NEXT!

  18. Riddle me this: WHERE ARE MY KEYS?

    They are most certainly in a pocket. Or sitting on your desk under a stack of something or others. Or perhaps in the ignition.

  19. I’m kind of tempted to switch to “Ladyperson McGee”

    Because the internet default is male, and besides, if you don’t adorn your e-self with pink glitter, leaping unicorns, and enormous digital yoni, how are we supposed to know you’re a TRUE LADY?

    i guess if i get really sick of it (which i doubt) i could alter it a bit–remove the “Filthy” since girls are supposed to sparkle, and add some variation of gurl/grl/girl or sweetie, or princess. ooh! PrincessGrandeurGrlSparklyPants!

  21. Will I ever realise my dream of developing an instantaneous matter transportation device?  *extracts answer; consumes blog*

  23. What should I cook tonight–ma po tofu or spaghetti with bolognese sauce?

    ANSWER PROMPTLY, DAMMIT, AS I’M A SHE-DEMON WITH FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES.

    1. What dessert should I make when my in-laws visit this weekend?

      Mmmm, I like food questions. Are they fussy and elitist or will they be intimidated by fancy presentations?

      If they are easily intimidated, pie. If they are elitist, arugula.

  28. XtinaS: only if you live long enough to receive the anti-aging treatments that will become widely available some time in the next 50 years, and hang around long enough after that to partake in some form of immortality. Once that’s down, it’s just a matter of time before you realise your dream. Congratulations!

    Sheelzebub: ma po tofu, obviously

    Drakyn: 24mph, regardless of whether you’re asking about African or European swallows.

    discodave: Doesn’t matter unless you’re talking about your own, in which case it’s really up to you.

    gexx: tiramisu

    pumpkin: just like me, they long to be, close to you

  29. @Sheelzebub “What should I cook tonight–ma po tofu or spaghetti with bolognese sauce? ”

    Make both. Whatever you and your low-place friends don’t eat, I will. Sounds yummy!

  31. How does my dog know the difference between organic broccoli (which she loves) and non-organic broccoli (which she hides behind the sofa)?

    And why does she take it if she isn’t going to eat it?

    Answers…I need answers….this is critical people!

    1. That one is easy, Kristen. Non-organic broccoli is part rubber, which makes your dog want to treat it like a chew toy, and therefore lose it behind the sofa.

  32. Preying Mantis and FilthyGrandeur,
    I was once on xBox live, and this kid accidently created the wrong handle for himself (which the system would not let him change) and people assumed he was female. Instead of the menacing “Rogue Assassin” he had intended, he had accidentally entered the less scary “Rouge Assassin.” He was devastated when he realized his mistake, and he got lots of invitations for dates.

    1. William: According to Wikipedia, a feministe movement is a politicale discourse aimed at equale rightes and legale protectione for womene, that involves variouse movementes, theories, and philosophies, alle concernede withe issues of gendere difference. It’s alsoe a greate waye to make friendes.

      In a verye smalle nutshelle.

  34. holly, good response. actually, the question was more along the lines of: should i circumcise my male child (it’s a given no such thing will be done to a baby girl here in the US)?

  36. How does my dog know the difference between organic broccoli (which she loves) and non-organic broccoli (which she hides behind the sofa)?

    Your dog is clearly sensitive to the controversy behind genetically-modified broccoli and objects to the use of traditional non-organic broccoli pesticides. She knows the difference because she has excellent taste.

    (Holly’s response was way better. But I do have a cat that likes to eat only the expensive kettle-fried, kosher-salted potato chips and turns his nose up at regular ol’ Lay’s.)

  37. What am I forgetting? I know I’m forgetting something. I’m sure I was supposed to do something today…

  40. As a debater, let me apologize for this idiot. Whoever this person is, they hardly represent our activity, which is for the most part brimming with intelligent, progressive young people.

  42. no. i hate all things vampire now. except for Bram Stoker’s Dracula (the novel, not the movie. Keanu Reeves ruined it, despite Gary Oldman’s hotness).

  43. Why is bad grammar the sine qua non of highly excitable internet writers?

    AND WHERE IS MY PONY?!

  44. “actually, the question was more along the lines of: should i circumcise my male child (it’s a given no such thing will be done to a baby girl here in the US)?”

    Not unless there’s a really compelling medical or religious reason. Even before you get to the bodily integrity arguments and even if it goes perfectly well, it’s just not worth dealing with a crying baby, adhesions, and a nil pre-puberty hygiene benefit.

  45. Holly and Laurel,

    Those are both very good answers…and rubber and gmos also explain her love of pasture raised (not free range, but pasture raised) chicken. However, it does not explain her hatred of banana. Who hates organic bananas??

  46. why the hell do people like Twilight????????

    Twilight is the ideological version of an icepick that has been precisely designed to penetrate through the eyeballs of girls aged 11-17 and stimulate exactly the parts of their brains that will cause them to sigh and then want to read more Twilight.

    Unsurprisingly, many girls aged 11-17 are totally immune, while many other kinds of people appear to have the same kind of brain structure that makes this icepicking technique possible.

  47. why the hell do people like Twilight????????

    Because the vampires sparkle. Duh. And we all know how we ladies will buy anything that involves sparkles.

    And I am feeling compelled to leave you with my favorite quote about Twilight, from Go Fug Yourself:

    So I finally saw Twilight. (I just opened the Netflix envelope and there it was!) Let me tell you, NO ONE should watch that movie alone. Not because it’s scary. But because so many sarcastic comments will occur to you throughout that the lack of an audience for them will quite possibly cause your head to explode. I had to resort to texting people things like, “OMG. WHAT? NO. SPARKLES! Terrible.”

    So maybe I’m wrong about ladies and their sparkles. Someone else will have to handle this question. My lady brain is hurting.

  49. I need a water purifier to curb my bad bottled-water guzzling habit. What should I get? (the tap water here tastes like watered-down condensed milk with a side of egg stink – okay for cooking, not so much for drinking).

    AND HERE IS ANOTHER QUESTION!

    Should “egg stink” be my newest catchphrase?

  51. Sadly, gungirl is too small a digital image to blow up to t-shirt size, and my Photoshop skills suck (also, I no longer have Photoshop).

  59. Well since you are taking questions perhaps you can answer two that recently were posed by my three year old,
    1) why is water wet
    2) Why is fire hot
    If you don’t answer I shall be forced to mail him to an editor where he shall remain until he passes he why phase.

    Oh I will send him postage due as well

  61. @ Renee

    I shall be forced to mail him to an editor where he shall remain until he passes he why phase.

    I’m not sure this phase ever ends. I’ll check in again after my 20 yr old’s next birthday and see if there’s any change yet…

  64. Why do people on the Internet mistake me for a woman?

    Because most people in the West pronounce “Hershele” as “Gloria” due to the unpredictability of the English language.

  65. @ Renee–

    I remember my brother’s “why” phase lasted for a long time. my all time favorite of his: “sissie, why do they make rain?”

    i still tease him about this one.

  67. @ Renee

    On the plus side, there comes a point in time when you can respond to “Why?” with “That’s what Google is for.”

    /threadjack

  69. Why do the kids next door scream SO MUCH?

    Why can’t my ISP figure out why my internet keeps going down?

    Where did my favorite sweatshirt go?

    What’s love got to do with it?

    But I do have one answer! For evil_fizz et al., HERE’s your pony!

  71. Michael: Order all of them online and start reading the one that gets mailed first.

    Colleen: 1) Why does my neighbor insist on mowing the lawn with his shirt off while listening to Dave Matthews? It’s a question for the ages, I think. He also yells a lot, usually after midnight.

    2) Ooh! I can actually answer this one in earnest. First, check and see if your router needs any updates, and if so, upload them (this was my issue and I didn’t believe them when they told me). Then if your internet is still crappy, make someone come out there and check your signal levels. See if there is a particular time of day that this is happening. Call every time it’s crappy so you have documentation with the company, and make sure they don’t charge you for any service calls. Intermittency is a pain in the ass because it’s hard to resolve unless it’s actually happening when the tech gets there.

    3) Your ex probably took it. That’s where I got all my favorite sweatshirts, anyway.

    Renee: You really don’t want the why? phase to end — not really. Unless you want him to be an incurious mouthbreather. 😀

    Mandolin: Zuzu speaks the truth. Children are an excellent source of lipids.

  72. @Preying Mantis – long exposure to cartoons (including Pixar) has taught us that all animals are male EXCEPT if they have a dress or long eyelashes. If you change your name to “Preying Mantis with long eyelashes” you will be easily identifiable as female, rather than as a default male creature who eats his default male mate after mating.

  73. What are this upcoming Saturday’s lotto numbers?

    Why won’t anybody in Albuquerque hire me?

    Can you point me to research on inherited mental illnesses?

    And, most importantly, I’m looking for type of pork roast that falls apart in chunks, not strings, but I don’t remember what it is, so if someone knows that, it would help a lot of trial and error, as that makes a better carne adovada.

  75. Why are small blenders (the kind that blend in a smoothie-sized cup) named after vibrators? I went to Target looking for a Magic Bullet today … they didn’t have that, but they had the Rocket on display. Sadly, none were left for sale. But seriously, what’s with the blender/vibrator connection?

    I’m really hoping that, since the original email was from a high school student, he’s one of those snarky HS students who sent that email with full awareness of how ridiculous it sounded. If not, I’m hoping he’s not taking this too hard. While he comes across as … well, he doesn’t come off well … I do wonder if publicly mocking the youngin’s is the way to go. I can just imagine him in 20 years standing in front of some Republican convention saying “I remember back when I was an idealistic, liberal high school student, I tried to talk to those feminists. They made fun of me and started saying weird things about swallows and tofu. That’s when I decided to intern for Sarah Palin, she’s my kind of feminist.” And that would be terrible.

  76. What’s the difference between a baguette and a paint brush?

    Why does my remote hate me?

    DOES ASKING A QUESTION IN ALL CAPS IMPROVE THE LIKELIHOOD OF A RESPONSE?

  80. Where was my letter to Hogwarts on my 11th birthday?

    How do keys work?

    How did so many idiots beat evolution? What about survival of the fittest?

    And @ Laura: I dunno about you, but I never, ever want my vibrator to remind me of a chopping blade that could puree my ladybits.

  85. Why does my cat like to climb into plastic packets?

    Answer me promptly or I will mail you another question. Really. I mean it.

  86. Why have so many of my high school friends gone from snarky atheists to dour christians?

    Why do campsites in my state warn campers to hide their food up a tree lest it be eaten by bears, but also advertise as great places to let the children run freely about the woods?

  87. When this kid gets into the working world and sees how many e-mails go unanswered, his or her head is going to explode.

  88. “Why do campsites in my state warn campers to hide their food up a tree lest it be eaten by bears, but also advertise as great places to let the children run freely about the woods?”

    The same reason zoos instruct visitors not to feed the animals people-food, but refrain from instructing visitors not to feed the animals people.

  89. Sorry to ruin the fun, but I have a question- I read the threads related to the banner, because I’d wondered about it myself. The first one you linked to doesn’t actually have a response, just a joke, and the second is reader ideas. Any chance a feministe author could just fill us in on the artist, idea, etc. instead of just making fun of anyone who asks about it? I looked around.. did I miss it somewhere?

  91. How does one cat shed so much hair?

    Why am I out of chocolate? Again?

    Why do I hate America?

    Wherever shall I go? Whatever shall I do?

    MY GOD, WHAT HAVE WE BECOME???

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