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The End of the Hair Experiment

Lauren

My father has taken to calling me Cruella Deville.

This is, perhaps, the only nickname I’ve ever gotten that could stick. For awhile, several of my friends took to calling me Loretta after the Nick Cave song “The Curse of Millhaven,” and if you know the song this could clue you in to my bad temper.

But my nieces and nephews seem to really like this nickname and I have caught them calling me Cruella behind my back this week. It might have something to do with me not being cool with watching them bowl over my mother’s rules. Grandma may be outnumbered, but Aunt Lauren is mean. And boy, can I be mean. Somewhere along the way I have developed a threatening voice and an evil eye that I can put on with a moment’s notice. I reserve this demeanor for all interactions with other people’s small children.

But the worst part about my father’s new nickname for me is that it is visually apt. When I went from this blond to this brown, I hesitated for a bit wondering if my hair was truly naturally blond.

But judging from the thin skunk stripe running down my head, very blond roots on dark hair, I think I can draw a decent conclusion. It looks like I’ll be going to the salon soon.

10 thoughts on The End of the Hair Experiment

  1. And boy, can I be mean. Somewhere along the way I have developed a threatening voice and an evil eye that I can put on with a moment’s notice.

    You are just so attractive to me right now.

    Seriously, though, I had the pleasure of watching Becky (beloved wife and grade school teacher) at a school function a few years back. She and her co-teacher were putting on a play for the whole school, and half of the class was on stage while the other half provided drum accompaniment. Becky was conducting the drum orchestra. One of the kids was persistently spacing out and beating her drum during parts of the play that required silence, and after the third such infraction Becky turned on her with a look so evil and malevolent that I was certain the kid would burst into flame right there.

    Strange to think that she’s never used that look on me in 16 years.

  5. Cruella? But she was half-gray and half-not. The old skunk stripe is a very different thing. I’d still suggest the salon trip to remedy that creepy s&m haircut. Pure evil it is, I tell you. Evil!

  7. Evil! Like Hitler, Stalin, and mayonnaise.
    You should audition for the part of the witch-queen in a remake of Red Sonja. Send some naiive, overendowed bint and an equally overendowed lunk to capture the Eye of Shoggoth and bring it back to your Profane Reliquary so you can resurrect the Black Beast of Aaaaaarrrgh. That kind of evil.

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