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Feministe’s Next Top Troll, March Madness Edition – Elite Eight, Bracket Three

Jill

It’s March Madness, Feministe-style. We’ve narrowed down our latest trolls from 16 to 8; those eight are divided into four brackets. Vote for your favorites in Bracket Three now. Potentially triggering troll comments below the image.

xyan:

How the fuck is there a correlation between an act that that bans the murdering of full born infants before they are born then sucking them out in pieces and women’s rights. I guess it is a shame that a bunch of drugged up sluts aren’t happy that they are now responsible for their actions. This whole post is retarded. Ted Kennedy’s car killed more people than my gun.

VERSUS

Brandon:

Why are more people worried about animal rights when 1/3 of the people I could have been friends with were murdered? I think we should really focus on how killing children is bad more than KFC’s abuse of chicken.
How can one be pro-choice and vegetarian?
Animals are more important then children? How is that possible? Humans have the ability to choose, while animals only think on instinct. We need to eat meat to sustain ourselves. Do I agree with the way that slaughterhouses kill animals? Not at all. But I do think burning babies with saline or sucking the brains out of their skulls is much much worse.

67 thoughts on Feministe’s Next Top Troll, March Madness Edition – Elite Eight, Bracket Three

  2. I’m going to have to go with Xyan. Gratuitous Ted Kennedy references just touch me in that special way..

  3. Mmm, it’s tempting to go with Xyan, but I think the fact that Brandon pretty much ignored the whole point of the KKK-peta post and cared all about his friends… well, he wins the internet! For today.

  5. Ummm – hasn’t Laura Bush’s car killed the same number of people as Ted Kennedy’s? That’s *such* a moronic bumper sticker slogan. I’d be embarrassed to repeat it.

    Xyan is, at least, coherent. Brandon just gave me a headache. They’re both lacking critical thought and logic skillz. Tough choice, but I had to go with Xyan.

  6. I have to go with Brandon. As much as I love the random Ted Kennedy/gun reference from Xyan, it’s Brandon’s loss of potential friends and the vegetarian thing that win for me.

  8. I’m still pickled tink about Brandon’s thoughts on the magical acidic powers of saltwater.

  10. That was a tough choice, but I had to go with Brandon in the end because I’m a pro-choice vegetarian.

  12. Is there going to be a full bracket (like the ones you tear out from the newspaper and fill out?) I’d love to see these all in one place.

  13. This was a tough one. I went with xyan – because it was so deliciously concise. Brandon’s narcissism, however, will always have a special place in his heart. It’s the feminists’ fault that he has so few friends! awwww

  17. Jill, I was thinking about it, but I’m not sure who is going to go up against whom… Like, the winner of this bracket is obviously going to be up against the winner of another bracket, but which bracket will that be?

    I’m still not sure if I’m making myself clear. Basically, I’m envisioning something like Go Fug Yourself’s March Madness bracket chart.

  18. The winner of Elite Eight Bracket One will go up against Bracket Two. Bracket Three will go up against Bracket Four. The victors of the Final Four will then go up against each other.

    (That makes sense, right? I don’t follow sports, so I am making this up as I go along)

  19. This is the toughest one for me so far, but it’s going to have to be Brandon and his imaginary aborted friends.

  20. This is so hard! Neither of them make any sense. But I think I have to go with Brandon again. I just feel so bad that he could have had millions of friends all around the world but now doesn’t have anything. Y is borshun sooo eeveeel?!/1?!

  21. This was a hard one, but in the end, xyan’s rage won out over Brandon’s forlorn wondering about all those friends he could have had. Honey, you can’t blame Roe v. Wade for your lack of social skills.

  22. xyan for the Ted Kennedy non-sequiter and the “full born infants before they are born” and blaming all unwanted pregnancies on “drugged up sluts” as if it doesn’t take two for that process. It’s still funny.

  23. Man, this one was tough. I eventually chose xyan because incoherent rage and non-sequiturs won out – barely – over emo whining. Brandon, honey, get a gerbil and STFU.

  25. Really tough call! Brandon gets a pat on the back for the 1/3 and Ted Kennedy comments, but Xyan gets it for his great ability to identify the medical mystery that is children who are both pre-born and fully born simultaneously.

  29. Oh, this is tough. I have to give it to Brandon because of the combination of utter pathos and batshit insanity of “1/3 of the people I could have been friends with were murdered.”

    This is turning out to be better than the actual NCAA semis, which were decided by margins of 9 and 14 points.

  30. I am not sure what this whole troll thing is about but why not have disagreeing comments? Is not one of the ideas behind blogging to engage those who do not share your views? Granted the one by xyan is not too articulate, but that is why you have him in the poll. I check a number of blogs by those I disagree with to see what they think if I decide to comment on something why would that label me a troll?

  31. Of course, I like that Brandon trots out what might be my favorite argument against abortion, which is that it is the cause of your own personal friendless, lonely situation.

  32. Xyan just seems like your run of the mill schmuck to me (I mean, really, Ted Kennedy references?), but Brandon has the “you killed all my friends” guilt thing down and backs it up with a misunderstanding of basic chemistry.

  34. This is indeed a toughie! In the red corner, we’ve got xyan, aka, King of the Mindfuck, armed with a veritable treasure trove of oxymorons & non sequitors; and in the blue corner, we’ve got Brandon, aka, Mr. Lonelyhearts, packing the industry’s finest in magically corrosive saline.

    I think, in the end, Brandon’s combination of ingenuity and precision in “1/3 of the people I could have been friends with were murdered” wins the day. Because xyan’s Ted Kennedy argument, though certainly original & unexpected, does not tell me exactly how many more people that car killed than his gun. I’m a sucker for clarity in my trolling.

  35. I’m gonna have to go with xyan, for the awesome stupidity of the phrase “full born infants before they are born”. Drugged up sluts of the world unite!

    Although do I think it’s “special” how Brandon thinks that everyone who was aborted would have been his friend, had they been born. Aww, Brandon sweetie… you’re not really that likable!

  36. Dissenting opinions are not the problem, and indeed many are left up on this site and others. And other websites even leave up the troll comments as well. Regardless, this is a private blog and they can eliminate whatever comments they want.
    Trolling does not necessariliy equal “dissenting opinion.” Trolling for comments is just that, posting with something you hope will garner plenty of comments in response. One of the easiest and most common ways to do this is to make flammatory statements to the people you are trying to gain comments from. Automatically grouping all women who require abortions into “drugged-up sluts who can’t keep their legs closed” is hardly presenting a dissenting opinion. Intentional or not, it’s going to rile some people up. Intentional or not, it is unfairly ignoring the very real experiences of so many women who do not fit into the troll’s little category.
    And like I said above, deleting trolling comments on a private website is hardly illegal, and this particular website does indeed keep up dissenting opinions so long as they are posted with some care and consideration in their creation — and often I see trolling comments left in if others have engaged the commenter, for the sake of others not being confused later when they read through the comment thread.

    As to who I voted for, the poor me-me-me entitlement logic is astounding on both sides, but I had to go with xyan over Brandon. Although it was a tough call let me tell you.

  37. Dear Brandon,

    I hope my voting for you in this contest is some small compensation for the mass murderation of your imaginary friends. I feel for you deeply. You poor, poor man.

    -umami

  38. From Blue Collar Todd’s “About Me”:

    My unique perspective comes from having a Master’s degree in the philosophy of religion and ethics and working in the oil industry. That pretty much tells you all you need to know about the guy right there. And his Blogroll would probably make Joe The Plumber’s, if JTP could actually read, look like Feministe’s.

    I agree that this particular match-up is the toughest one so far, but I’m gonna have to go with Brandon. The clincher? “KFC’s abuse of chicken”; I’d suspect that he’s been abusing his own chicken a little too much, if it weren’t for him being afraid that his potential friends have to be thrown out with the Kleenex afterward.

  40. Technically, if we’re going to live up to anti-choice standards and extend the category of living things to include blastocysts, aborted fetuses have to be at least that alive and are certainly as deserving of rights.

    So my vote goes to Brandon for his blatant discrimination against yet another group. Does he think he’s ‘too good’ to be friends with someone just because they’ve been aborted?

  41. This one is so tough I’ve had to create a scoreboard:
    Xyan:
    murdering of full born infants before they are born (implication that abortion is murder: check , non-sequitur: check)
    sucking them out in pieces (disturbing imagery: check)
    bunch of drugged up sluts (slur: check)
    This whole post is retarded (use of R-word: check)
    Ted Kennedy’s car killed more people than my gun (Kennedy reference: check, implication that his gun has killed some people, though less than Ted’s car: check)
    Inability to see the relationship between denying women access to medical care and women’s rights: check.
    For a total of 7 troll points.

    Brandon:
    Why are more people worried about animal rights when 1/3 of the people I could have been friends with were murdered (non-sequitur: check, statistic pulled out of his ass: check, mourning his unborn friends: check, implication that abortion is murder: check)
    How can one be pro-choice and vegetarian? (really awesome non-sequitur: check)
    Animals are more important then children? (incorrect use of the word then: check)
    We need to eat meat to sustain ourselves (complete falsehood: check)
    But I do think burning babies with saline or sucking the brains out of their skulls is much much worse (disturbing imagery: check x 2, complete falsehood: check x 2).
    For a total of 11 troll points and there are still more things wrong with Brandon’s comments.

    While I kind of adored being referred to as a drugged up slut, Brandon obviously wins.

  42. This one was really tough, because both make ridiculous leaps, but I have to go with Brandon because Xyan is just such a downer–really negative. Brandon cares about baybeez AND chickens. Most importantly, he connects it all up to how it affects HIM. See, the personal IS the political.

  43. Awwww … xyan needs a big ol’ bear hug because he’s obviously been victimized by “a bunch of drugged up sluts.”

    Brandon gets Huggies.

  44. I don’t think it’s been pointed out yet the xyan apparently has no no idea what a correlation is. Anyhow, Ted Kennedy’s car for the win.

  46. Had to go with Brandon, who seems to believe he’s so reasonable. He’s all like, “Look, y’all, it’s very simple. I could have been friends with these people!”

  48. This is the first time I’m genuinely conflicted, although the Ted Kennedy reference is after my heart.

  49. This one is difficult! Both are amazing and gave me new ideas.

    As a vegan and a feminist, I’ll start considering aborting full born infants before they are born and eating them in order to sustain myself and prevent Brandon from possible future friends.

    Just thinking about it makes me feel good. 😀

  50. Brandon, for the genius of linking my reproductive choices with the chicken soup I just had for dinner.

  51. Brandon FTW! Where did the ‘sucking the brains out of their skulls’ bit come from? Do they flay them alive first, too?

    If it sheds any light on Brandon’s missing friends, has anyone here seen the documentary ‘Jesus Camp’? It’s an amazing movie about the brainwashing in some Evangelical Christian camps for kids. One of the things they tell those kids is that their potential friends are dead because of abortion. Disturbing movie.

  52. Hard, hard, hard, but I think Brandon wins. I guess the “you killed my friends!” thing gets to me more than the Ted Kennedy one does. Haha.

  55. I really love the closing comments from each guy here, because you know they’re writing this dribble out, thinking, “Oh, SNAP!”

    xyan for the win, for trying to fit Ted Kennedy and NRA sentimentality onto a bumper sticker.

  57. “Had to go with Brandon, who seems to believe he’s so reasonable. He’s all like, “Look, y’all, it’s very simple. I could have been friends with these people!””

    That pretty much did it for me, too. Although the “drugged up slut” comment was good, and I have to give him kudos for the Kennedy reference.

    Oh, and I’m sorry Brandon, but I actually have an appointment next Thursday to murder someone who might have been your friend. 🙂

  58. I really love Brandon’s friends that never were and the corrosive salt water, but xyan’s “drugged up sluts” and asking what abortion has to do with women’s rights won me over today.

  60. I had to go with xyan because I’m also opposed to “the murdering of full born infants before they are born”. I find that time travel is a very inefficient and expensive method of birth control.

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  62. They so both deserve to be winners. But Brandon has a moment of quasi-human wit with the phrase “abuse of chicken” so gets pipped at the post. Such a close call…

  63. Oh, this is the hardest one yet!

    Xyan’s “I guess it is a shame that a bunch of drugged up sluts aren’t happy that they are now responsible for their actions. […] Ted Kennedy’s car killed more people than my gun.”
    versus
    Brandon’s “Why are more people worried about animal rights when 1/3 of the people I could have been friends with were murdered?”

    My heart says Brandon and his missing friends, but my head just can’t get past xyan’s “what has abortion got to do with women’s rights” and Ted Kennedy’s car non-sequiteur.

    Xyan.

  64. Pingback: Feministe » Feministe’s Next Top Troll, Elite Eight: Vote Now!

  65. M.D.’s coment about Xyan’s post being like poetry got me thinking, and I decided I would choose based on whose post I could make the best poem out of. Here we go.

    Xyan:

    Out of drugged-up sluts sucked:
    Full born infants before they are born.

    Alls I can say is “How the fuck”…
    Abortion acts need to be reformed.

    This whole post is retarded, son
    Teddy’s smoked more than my gun done.

    Brandon:

    Pro-choice is like oil
    To vegetarian water.
    You killed one-third of my friends
    So sluts could kill their daughters.

    Nevermind that they weren’t real
    What counts is ‘could have been’.
    Yet you won’t eat a chicken platter
    You goddamn vegetarians.

    I would have had a friend named Karl
    Who might have been an octogenarian;
    But you smote him with saline solution
    You goddamn vegetarians.

    Humans have the ability to choose
    Which seems to be a curse.
    Because they choose not to kill animals
    And then suck out baby brains, which is worse

    Pro-choice is like oil
    To vegetarian water.
    The two just can’t coexist
    Without creating blog fodder.

  66. oh my Goddess, Berg
    your verses leave me in love
    come, marry me please

    That was a haiku, if you didn’t notice, since we seem to be on a poetry binge *^_^*
    That having been said, I have to go with xyan. While Brandon’s sheer narcissism at the idea that anyone on this planet would be his friend if only we evil baby-hating liberal bitches would give them the fighting chance (having the stereotypical emo swooshy-bangs myself, I’ll write you a song and play it on my guitar while wearing jeans that are so tight as to cease most normal body functions, i.e breathing), Xyan’s belief in time travel has given me hope for the field of science like I’ve never had before (full born infants before… what?). Could I get his email? I need a new flux capacitor ASAP, got some baybeez I need to take care of.

  67. That sentence was supposed to read “while I love Brandon’s… blah blah blah”. Got a little carried away there… haha

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