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Feministe’s Next Top Troll, March Madness Edition: The THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES Bracket

Jill

It’s March Madness, Feministe-style: We’re doing a troll run-off to highlight some of our all-time favorite comments and pick the winner of Feministe’s Next Top Troll, Season 4. This is Bracket four, the THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES Bracket.

Potentially triggering troll comments below the image. Vote for your favorite of the THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES bracket at the bottom.


Joe, who leaves a series of comments along with the email address hotty0212 (I’ve separated the comments out with dividing lines):

i am now going to report this site
_______________________

you have been reported i am prepared to sue you because the minute you didnt post my comment you violated free speech and human rights. thats right i know lawyers
______________________

this webring will be deleted

VERSUS

Rudy:

I hope all you horrible liberals choke on your fetus fritters, and terrorist twists. It’s a sad day in America when dognuts are used as weapons of mass destruction.

You evil evil liberals!

Who will be Feministe’s Next Top Troll?

75 thoughts on Feministe’s Next Top Troll, March Madness Edition: The THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES Bracket

  2. I didn’t even realize it said “dognuts” instead of “doughnuts” until I voted.

    Dognuts as weapons of mass destruction….Poor dogs…

  3. I’d go with Joe, since I’m half inclined to think that Rudy’s post is just a mediocre joke, whereas spurious legal threats are always funny.

  5. It was so very close but I had to go with Rudy because s/he enlightened me that canine testicles were armaments. Had I known that my poor dog’s neutering would contribute to tools of war I might have had second thoughts about the procedure. Thank you, Rudy, for opening my eyes to this atrocity!

  6. While the image of me lobbing dognuts at people like Rudy was humorous, I have to go with Joe. You mean feminists need to stop oppressing him and denying him is constitutional right to harrass women. 😉

  7. Joe, for bringing magical thinking into the mix. Rudy is just angry and spiteful, whereas Joe clearly expects something to happen based on his nebulous chants and invocations.

  8. Joe makes a rather convincing argument for advancing in the bracket. But “fetus fritters”! It takes some mad skills to make fetus’ sound tasty. Rudy gets my vote.

  11. Definitely Rudy. Very creative. I never even thought of putting my fetuses in a fritter! I usually eat them raw while they’re still screaming for Jill Stanek to save them.

  12. Magical thinking, heh. I would like to see a nationwide refresher course on the 1st Amendment – I could not be more tired of nonsense along the lines of “YOU DIDN’T LET ME RANT ON YOUR BLOG YOU’RE VIOLATING MY 1ST AMENDMENT RIGHTS.” Get it correct, folks.

  13. I voted for Joe because he’s very informative. I had no idea there was an Internet Police you can report shit to. And the deletion of his comments violates his human rights? Hilarious.

  15. Rudy wins it for me with his imaginitive use of “fetus fritters” and “dognuts”. I’ll take my fetus ritters with raspberry jam, please.

  16. As much as Joe’s feelings of oppression and complete misunderstanding of the concept of free speech amuse me, I have to give points to Rudy for “fetus fritters”. The absurdity made me nearly spit on my keyboard.

    HI-larious.

  18. Oh wow. Pairing two such great trolls is like putting Duke and Memphis in the same bracket. It’s such a shame one of them has to lose.

    I’ll have to go with Rudy. “Dognuts” put him over the top.

  22. I, too, would like to know to whom Joe reported Feministe for violating . . . nothing. Also, maybe he should get one of his lawyer friends to show him where the ‘Shift’ key is on his keyboard.

  24. Rudy totally cracked me up with his fetus fritters and terrorist twists
    but I had to go with Joe because his seems so much more legitimately trolly.

    mmm fetus fritters
    (do they sell those at Starbucks?)

  25. Ooh, tough one! As much as I love fetus fritters and dognuts, I think I’m ultimately going to have to go with Joe, due to the hilarious vagueness of his threats.

  26. I went with Joe, as Rudy struck me as a Poe. And also “I know lawyers” is pretty much made of fail.

  27. I went with Joe just because the whole “ZOMG EEEVIL FEMINISTS IZ OPPRESSING MEEEE!” made me laugh.

    Fritters are deep-fried, aren’t they? Too high in fat – we evil feminazi types have to look good while we’re oppressing the menz and throwing dognuts (whatever those are). Personally, I prefer my fetii grilled with a teriyaki sauce and a salad of baby lettuces. Yummers.

  28. I vote Joe, b/c I think Rudy isn’t genuine. S/he is too glib to be actually trolly.
    Plus Joe knows lawyers.

  29. I had to vote for Joe because he announced the “reporting”, apparently went and “reported”, then came back to confirm that the “reporting” had taken place.

  30. Does anyone know the best wine to serve with fetus fritters and terrorist twists?

  31. Ursula says:
    It’s GOTTA be Joe. Can’t you just hear him shouting: ‘Help, help, I’m being oppressed!

    Hahahahah that’s exactly what I thought!

    “Help! Help! I’m being repressed! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That’s what I’m on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, Didn’t you?”

  33. I went with Joe, despite the fact that Rudy made me lol. But I wonder… does the fact that his comment was eventually published mean that he no longer has an imaginary case against Feministe for violating his god-given right to harass the wimmins?

  34. This is tough.

    On the one hand, there’s genius in the sentence “This webring will be deleted.” Is Joe commenting from 1996?

    On the other hand, “fetus fritters”? How can I not vote for fetus fritters?

    I’m also leaning away from Joe because I feel there has been an overrepresentation of trolls with the name Joe or similar variations – this contest should reflect the diversity of the troll community, and I know they can’t all be named Joe.

    Then again, I’ve always favored the underdog. Maybe because that’s the best spot to look for dognuts to use as ammo?

  35. I just wanted to affirm that terrorist twists are delicious! Deep fried, sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar–Mmmmm. The trans fat content is a real bitch, though.

  37. I”m voting for Joe! He might report me if I didn’t, and that’s scary because he knows lawyers. Plus not voting for him would violate his human rights.

  39. Had to be Joe, for me, because he’s obviously dead serious about having you Gitmoed for deleting his comment. I have to give Rudy a pass because while I don’t support the weaponization of any reproductive organs, it is a good reminder to spay or neuter our pets.

  40. Personally, I prefer my fetii grilled with a teriyaki sauce and a salad of baby lettuces.

    Well, it’s only appropriate.

  42. I FULLY understand where Joe is coming from. I, too, watched far too many episodes of LA Law as a child.

  43. Hmm.. tough one, Rudy has got some good stuff there.. nice alliteration.. but Joe is called Joe, and all trolls should be called Joe. And dude.. he knows lawywers.. *shudders*.

  44. Joe gets my vote, ’cause I love that vintage trolling. “Webring”! So old-school!

    Rachel: … does the fact that his comment was eventually published mean that he no longer has an imaginary case against Feministe for violating his god-given right to harass the wimmins?

    No, it means that his irresistible arguments, backed by his lawyerly connections, pressured the Enemys of Freedom into publishing his valuable insights against their will. Don’t step on me! says 1st ammendment Joe! Feminazis step back! Libberty triumphs!!!

  46. Where does this person live? Im gonna start a fetus fritter stand. We’ll call it Rudy’s Famous Fetus Fritter’s, (since i didnt come up with the idea, i cant take the credit right?)

  48. Oh, I had to vote for Joe. He knows lawyers, yo.

    Also, he kicked it old school. “Webring”. Ahh. That takes me back.

    Though, I am curious, what is a dognut? Is it like a doughnut? Is it a crazy dog? I am dying to know.

  49. Sorry, Joe leaves me cold in a “get off my lawn, you kids” kinda way, while Rudy appealed to my love of pastries. Plus they are both losers, but Rudy in a more spectacular way, coming up with those names and then fouling up the reference by mistyping “doughnuts”.

  52. Tough call, but in the end, I voted for Joe. Groundless legal threats on the Internet always make me smile, and I could easily imagine him stomping his feet and crying and yelling, “THOSE MEANIES DIDN’T PUBLISH MY COMMENT! I’LL SHOW THEM! I’LL REPORT THEM! WAAAH!”

  54. Reporting? Internet laywers? Human rights to post on a blog? Webring (what is it, ’96?) Ah, Rudy, ya never stood a chance…

  57. But “fetus fritters”!

    That deserves to go in the troll cookbook along with Shakesville’s pathetic anger bread.

    It’s a tough one. But I’m going with Joe.

  59. I really wanted to go with Joe because he knows lawyers but when I saw dognuts…well. How could I resist? Fetus fritters and terrorist twists were good but dognuts reign supreme.

  62. Does anyone know the best wine to serve with fetus fritters and terrorist twists?

    Why, stolen communion wine, of course.

  65. Yeah, Rudy sounds like Wonkette making fun of a troll. I can’t quite believe he was in earnest. “thats right i know lawyers,” though it the funniest thing ever.

  69. Joe, because he’s oppressed and he needs to win something in his life.

    Rudy’s fetus fritters made me hungry. 🙁

  70. The one who’s threatening them with lawyers because I always love it when people threaten to sue me for not approving comments, for writing about this particular person or because the sun came up that morning. I had to explain to one of them that if he sued me, he would have to do it under a different name than “Serpico” because that one’s already been taken. Oh, they never learn.

    It must be spring because I’ve gotten a rash of comments including that I’m getting multiple orgasms over the dead police officers in Oakland and that I’m dreaming (because I’m not responding to them so I can’t just be disinterested, right?) about being pulled over by police officers for searched and seizure.

    Mr. “O” then turned around and said I was trying to intimidate and harass him. Earlier he had ranted that I was a radical feminist out to castrate and emasculate all men who complimented women.

    But I think having a March Madness for trolls is very, very good. And it sure is entertaining. May the best (worst?) trolls win.

  73. “Fetus fritters and terrorist twists were good but dognuts reign supreme.”

    I agree…the Iron Chef wins with these three culinary creations…

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