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Gendering Infants

I’ve seen a couple of blogs now post on Baby Bangs — a new company that creates wigs/toupee’s for bald or short-haired baby girls so that people will not commit the heinous act of mis-gendering them.  An example below, via Hoyden About Town:

As Gwen at Sociological Images says about a different but similar image:

The fact that we’re supposed to see the second photo as clearly cuter than the first makes me sad, actually.

Indeed.

Gwen then goes on to ask questions about why people are so concerned that someone might mistake their infant daughter for a boy, as this product is explicitly designed to avoid.  I’ll say that the question befuddles me, as well, though I was once the object of such concerns.

You see, I was not only born bald — I was born with male pattern baldness.  Hair around the back of my head, almost entirely bald on top.  In fact, it’s a joke in the family that as an infant, I looked remarkably like Phil Collins.  The pictures bear this out, actually — I totally did.  But my mom would then dress me in pink, in frilly things, dresses, and though she thankfully wouldn’t put those horrible lacy headbands on my head, she would carefully clip an itty bitty little baby barrette to the very short, small shock of hair in the center of my head.  And still, people would always assume that I was a boy.  And instead of finding this amusing, her telling the story indicates that it did a better job of driving her absolutely nuts.  When inquiring about why exactly it mattered, I never did get much of an answer.

In the end, though, as I question why it so bothers parents when their infants are mis-gendered, and why it is that social anxieties so regularly get played out via children, I also ask why people who are not the child’s parent are so keen on instantly gendering infants at all.  I further ask why they’d do it so nonsensically based on something like hair, which babies of both genders regularly lack.  I assume that it’s because people insist on applying already highly imperfect adult gender cues to people of all ages; but the ridiculousness of such a move completely confuses me, too.

Then again, I can’t really imagine a scenario where you’d have to guess the gender of an infant unless you didn’t know the baby’s parents.  As someone who doesn’t have even the slightest inclination towards reproduction or much of a soft spot towards babies at all, I really don’t understand the concept of strangers stopping to say how incredibly cute a baby is in the first place.  So maybe I’m not the best person to be asking these questions at all, but I still think they’re really interesting questions.


84 thoughts on Gendering Infants

  1. Yeah, right, like a baby would actually wear this for more than 2 seconds. Seriously. Do you have to glue it to the baby’s head or something?

  2. So beyond the bangs/no bangs, are those images also photoshopped more generally, or is that infant wearing lipstick? (The lips just seem unnaturally pink to me, but then again I don’t spend much time around babies.)

    I so feel for parents who work hard at Not rigorously gendering their children. Makes me want to make some variation on Jackson’s “I do not want to know the sex of my child” button from Gilmore Girls.

  3. I’m 7 months pregnant with a girl, and I’m honestly worried about this crap. If my kid comes out bald, if people think she looks like a boy, so the fuck what? I have my shower coming up soon and I’m trying to stem the pink fluffy rush now, before I get inundated in ridiculous clothing I wouldn’t want my child caught dead in.

    Just another ‘I don’t get why people care so much about gendering babies.’

    The truly disturbing thing is how many people expected me to have a preference on my kid’s sex. When I announced that I was knocked up, almost invariably the first question was “which one do you want?” My initial response was “living.” And I see so many women utterly distraught if the fetus turns out to be the sex they weren’t hoping for. To be fair, it goes both ways; I’m seeing as many people upset over having a girl as a boy. But the fact that people CARE so much blows my mind!

  4. Yeah I totally fail to see how it even matters. Who cares if someone mistakes the baby’s sex for another? The baby sure doesn’t; it just cares if and when it gets fed, and who exactly is going to amuse it right now. I remember an anecdote about my husband as a baby; he had long, luxurious curls that his mother couldn’t bear to cut off, but one day at the grocery store someone called him a her and dad made mom get the baby’s hair cut.

    I also find it funny when people do this with dogs. I have a male dog, and people will frequently ask “What’s her name” to which I nonchalantly reply “His name is Freki”. I canNOT tell you how many times people fall over themselves apologizing for calling him a her, no matter how many times I say “That’s ok, he doesn’t care”. One person was practically hyperventilating that she had called my boy dog a she. Like it matters.

  5. From my experience, this all comes down to completely non-gender related issues. Our first child was a girl, and my wife would go BALLISTIC if anyone mistook her for a boy. Same thing happened with our second baby, who was a boy. I, personally, couldn’t care any less, but hey, she’s the one who went through pregnancy and delivery, so I didn’t argue with her too much.

    Of course, she didn’t put a wig on our daughter, either. I never bothered to try to venture a guess as to why making a mistake like that irked her, mostly because it would almost certainly be wrong. Mark it down to sensitivity to what some see as a societal faux-pas.

  6. It’s amusing – I was born with long, curly red hair (which I lost at about four months) and my mother dressed me in fairly generic baby clothes. Strangers therefore concluded just on the basis of my hair that I was a girl. Fortunately my mother was never outraged but rather amused by the assumptions people make based on the most superficial of visual cues – hair length and color. And, yes, unsolicited cooing over an infant has always struck me as kind of creepy.

  7. I really don’t understand the concept of strangers stopping to say how incredibly cute a baby is in the first place

    I often comment on the cuteness of strangers’ babies. I generally just go with a, “Oh my goodness! So cute!” I know that I don’t know the baby’s gender, and gendering it doesn’t really seem important to me, so I just leave out the pronouns.

    I feel sorry for the baby in the picture there. That looks like an incredibly itchy and uncomfortable cheap-ass synthetic wig.

  8. It is ridiculous how soon people want to assign genger to an infant. It’s so difficult to even find neutral clothing for babies. I’ve tried to stay away from pink for my girl, but there isn’t much out there that doesn’t at least have some pink. And that wig is stupid. Bald baby heads are delightful to look at on either sex.

  9. Yeah right, like anyone who would get this product wouldn’t have their girl dolled to the 9s in every variety of pink.

    Also, the LIPSTICK AND EARRINGS sort of give away that it’s a girl.

    A fool and his/her money are soon to be parted. But yeah, I’m waiting for this backlash wave of over-gender-stamping children to finish up. It’s tired and stupid.

  10. At least it’s less painful than piercing little girls’ ears?

    When I was about 7, I had short hair and was in the grocery store with my Dad wearing my soccer uniform. As we were finishing checking out, the cashier asked my dad if his “son” had a game that day. My dad just smiled and said yes, and on the way out we laughed that someone would assume I was a boy because of my short hair and soccer uniform. I love my dad.

  11. FWIW, I found that people would tell me what a cute son I had even when my daughter was dressed in lavender and pink. The only reason it irritated me was that I suspected that (a) it was a case of male = default, and (b) that people were hedging their bets, figuring that it was far “worse” to mistake a boy for a girl than the reverse.

  12. I don’t get it either. My newborn daughter is doing the male pattern baldness thing right now, and if someone calls her a boy, so what? She doesn’t care at this age.

    And that second picture looks awful. The first is much cuter, although I’m not really a fan of seeing earrings on a baby that young. I’d rather wait until they’re old enough to ask for it.

    The only thing that made me ever care about having a boy or girl was the sheer lack of boys on my mother’s side of the family. 2 born in 50 years until my son made it 3. I do like having a mix, but having my babies alive and generally healthy is far more important.

  13. I’m one of those parents that is waaaaaaaay against people who do things to a child’s physical appearance to make the babies seem masculine or feminine, like pierce their young babies’ ears (as I see the wee tot in your photo has). Adding bangs doesn’t do anything except make it look like the babe got a hold of Uncle Nelson’s toupee. Not to mention that at some point, really, are we going to get hold of this insane urge to go up to people and comment on the babies’ gender? Is it really that fucking important? And is it even more important to get indignant that maybe someone suggests it’s one sex over another?

    (she says, who dresses her b/g twins in blue and pink purely to keep people from approaching me and asking me what the sexes are, followed by the inane: “Are they identifcal”?)

  14. When I was born, I weighed nine pounds. I was completely bald and had a square head. I remained large for my age until puberty, when I settled down to average-sized. The baldness persisted until I was in kindergarten – I’m not talking peach fuzz baby hair here, I’m talking completely bald. Around the time I turned six, I started growing hair. My hair is now rather thin, but it’s there. When I wore my hair very short for awhile, I looked bald in some lights (I’m a very fair blonde). If I tie my hair up, I look bald from certain angles. I still have a square-ish head, though my hair hides this somewhat.
    When I was little, my parents would dress me in pink-and-white frills and tape hair bows to my head. Apparently, when I was an infant I was being carried somewhere clad only in a diaper and t-shirt and someone thought I was a boy and this so bothered my parents that I wore frilly dresses pretty much exclusively for the next four years.
    Parents who go out their way to emphasize the gender of their child rather freak me out. Why are they doing this? Who does it help? It’s not really like a child that young gives a damn, and it really says more about the “need” to instill gender norms to children.

  15. My son had long hair until just recently, and people took him for a girl all the time, even when he was wearing “boy” clothes with things like trucks on them in manly colors like blue or orange. (Though in fairness to passers-by, a lot of his hair clips were sparkly.) I reached a point where I wouldn’t correct the person if it was a store clerk or someone like that – someone I didn’t have a personal relationship with – because it creeped me out how apologetic people would get, like they had somehow insulted him by thinking he was a girl.

    I guess what I draw from it is that little boys and girls mostly look different because we make them look different, and this really bothers people.

  16. Creepiest part of the website (from the FAQ):

    Q: Can I use a Curling Iron to curl Baby Bangs?

    No! Use of any heated appliance could damage the Baby Bangs hair strands. Please do not use any electrical appliances on the Baby Bangs hair strands.

    I’m not sure what appalls me more. That there are parents out there who want to curl their babies’ hair with a curling iron*, that there are parents out there who don’t know that a fake plastic wig will melt on contact with heated styling gadgets, or that there are parents out there who think sticking the World’s Most Hyper-Gendered Fire Hazard to their head would be totally “safe”.

    * I suppose a more sympathetic reading is that the parents think the baby “ought” to have curly hair for genetic reasons. But still.

  17. The speed with which mama’s bile rises when someone misgenders her infant may seem less excessive if you remember the nonstop meddling she’s been fielding since the day she announced her pregnancy. From the time she bought a bottle of champagne to celebrate her friend’s graduation and the whole grocery store noticed, to the time she told someone her birth philosophy and they tried to “save her” from her ignorance, her life and her actions and her precious child have suddenly become everybody else’s business. The “it takes a village” culture of kid-raising appears out of nowhere out of the otherwise privacy-worshipping landscape of America, and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t give us some whiplash.

  18. Having to ask what gender a baby is: potentially awkward.

    Having to ask why the hell your baby is wearing a wig: much more awkward.

  19. In fact, it’s a joke in the family that as an infant, I looked remarkably like Phil Collins. The pictures bear this out, actually — I totally did.

    Please share it! Preferably using Photoshop to first put drumsticks into your little hands 🙂

    (Totally agree with your post, of course.)

  20. OK, so I realize we’re a self-selecting sample, but I’m still waiting for someone who really *does* care about this to explain why.

    I have asked people this question when they do express a desire to gender their babies, and they either stare at me blankly (not comprehending the question, or that there is an alternative) or pass it off with “But it’s so cute, don’t you think?” (And then what can I say–no, you’re baby’s not cute because you dressed it in pink…or blue…)

    Anyway. I find that as a first-time parent with a young child, I do suddenly find other people’s babies more interesting. Sometimes when you see another child (at X age, not even infancy) it just sends you right back to when your own was at that stage. It can be overwhelming. And I never cared about babies or was much interested in kids, either.

  21. Please share it! Preferably using Photoshop to first put drumsticks into your little hands 🙂

    Hahahaha. If I had any of the pictures handy, I probably would have posted it here when I put this up, but sadly, my mother has possession of all of the baby pictures. I haven’t seen them in some time, actually — I just remember that when my parents would say that I used to look like Phil Collins, I’d say “I did NOT.” So one time, they got out the photo album. And then I was like . . . “Oh. Crap.” Heh.

  22. I was a Bald Baby Girl.

    (Totally sounds like it should be one of those cheesy, 50s confession type movies, doesn’t it? 😉

    My parents dressed me in pink at least sometimes (I have a very faded picture of myself in a little pink outfit) and *taped* bows to my head. Otherwise I was apparently mistaken for being a boy regularly. This was back in the late *60s*, folks. I am appalled that we seem to have not progressed very far.

    This may explain why my hair is currently waist length and I am allergic to any permutation of pink that isn’t hot/electric/magenta/fuchsia. 😀 And I kind of miss the swipe at androgyny that was taken in the 80s.

    I have nothing further of any substance to add. Carry on.

  23. Opoponax: Evidently you do have to glue it. There is a very disturbing picture of “covering the face” of a mannequin baby.

    The after picture also looks like a Bratz doll, which is even more disturbing.

  24. I have two little girls whom I tried to keep in gender-neutral clothing until they were old enough to express an opinion. (We knew the sex but didn’t share before birth to try to avoid the pink explosion, for example.) It mostly worked for the first but not the second; my younger daughter is much bigger, so she’s already wearing girlier clothes just because she’s flying through the sizes (and therefore the hand-me-downs) faster.

    One of the first things I observed was how incredibly *uncomfortable* it made complete strangers not to be given obvious gender cues. Sure, I got a lot of apologies for getting it wrong (though like someone earlier commented, it seems to be less of an “insult” to mistake a girl for a boy than vice-versa). But I also got distinctly annoyed comments, all the way up to “But she’s wearing blue!” from a grocery clerk. After a while, I stopped correcting people because it was too likely to lead to conversations I didn’t have the energy for.

    In two days I’m scheduled to be induced with my son, so we’ll see how it works out in the other direction. After some soul-searching, my husband and I decided we’re not comfortable putting him in frilly or otherwise structurally-feminine clothing. However, beyond that, we have no problem with any colors or patterns. We’re getting more use out of the stuff we have, dang it, even if it is pink with a princess-fairy-ballerina-teddy bear on it!

  25. Roving Thundercloud – I would guess that, for most people, they just don’t think that much about it. It’s like asking someone why they instinctively go for the section of a clothing store that corresponds to their gender. It just becomes instinct at a certain point. It’s pretty hard to find baby clothes that are completely free of both pink ruffles and primary colored trucks, and most people who aren’t into gender politics just go along with whatever is being sold in the most convenient store.

    I do think about gender issues and try to buy relatively gender neutral stuff for my niece (mainly because I’m the only one in the family who’s ever not going to get her sparkly pink ruffles and bows and unicorns), and I still find myself squeeeing over pink and purple tutus or little tights with dainty flower designs. The cultural conditioning runs very, very deep. Even in those of us with our political consciousnesses in the right place.

    Now, when it comes to stuff like buying a wig for your baby girl, that’s a whole different level of obsession, and unless this thread gets linked on some mommy blog clearinghouse I doubt anyone is going to show up here who thinks the baby wigs are a good idea.

  26. I’ve always had short hair, so when I was young people would mistake me for a boy all the time. My parents always thought it was really funny.

    But in reference to Esther’s comment at 18 about the “takes a village” attitude when it comes to pregnant women, it always amazes me how people will go out of their way to “advise” a pregnant woman yet split when it actually comes time to take care of the child. It’s disgusting how so many people feel that they have a right to dictate how a woman should act when it comes to children but rarely help her when it counts.

  27. Thanks, Opo. Also, I think Chingona hit it on the head:

    “I guess what I draw from it is that little boys and girls mostly look different because we make them look different, and this really bothers people.”

    As Leely says, people will get annoyed and say, “But she’s wearing blue!” I did flip back a few, “Well, don’t you ever wear blue?” for awhile. Or “Yes, don’t you think it brings out her eyes?” But they never changed their stance, and I stopped rising to it.

  28. I have asked people this question when they do express a desire to gender their babies, and they either stare at me blankly (not comprehending the question, or that there is an alternative) or pass it off with “But it’s so cute, don’t you think?”

    I know this isn’t directed at me because I’m one of those parents who doesn’t care, but I can’t help but think this is tied up in the way people are so convinced that their six-month-old is “such a little girl” or “such a little boy” and that the kid is behaving in some obviously gendered way when it often seems to me the parent is projecting a lot. We have a tremendous amount invested in men and women being practically different species. I’m reminded of a letter to Dear Abby a year or so ago – the parents had only girl clothes because the ultrasounds said they would have a girl, but they ended up having a boy. Rather than waste the clothes, they were using the pink clothes the boy. The grandmother was concerned that being treated like a girl by strangers would turn the kid gay.

  29. My twin boys, as babies, were dressed mostly in their sister’s hand-me-downs, hence a lot of pink. They were small at birth, so while still in the hospital I told my husband to pick up two extra outfits in the smallest size (we had few of those). He bought a green one and a pink one. He said the pink one was so cute he couldn’t resist.
    What can I say? It was cute. He was right.
    I have an awesome husband.

  30. When I google “Baby Bangs” all that comes up is one website selling them, and 38 blogs criticizing them.

    Maybe it just makes us feel better to believe that there’s a preponderance of gender-obsessed parents out there who are less enlightened then us, rather than considering the fact that this is a really dumb idea that pretty much isn’t going to sell to anyone? (witness how many “testimonials” and “pictures of customers” are on the Baby Bangs website)

    Just saying.

  31. My youngest was mistaken for a girl all the time, until he got his first haircut at 14 months. It didn’t bother me at all, but it did kind of bother the husband a bit.

    Honestly, he was just so damn pretty–he had long hair that curled at the ends, and he has these eyelashes that should just be illegal–that I put off the haircut way past when it was flopping over in his eyes and getting in the way. And the husband drew the line at using hair clips to keep it out of his face, although I do have one picture of him wearing sparkly blue hair clips that belong to the daughter of a friend of ours. It’s an extremely cute picture.

  32. I think some of the desire to know by strangers is the language. I know that I sometimes want to ask how old a baby is, and it’s a work-around to say “how old is your baby” rather than how old is he/she. I sometimes just end up saying “how old?” and pausing long enough that the person answers. I think a part of it really is that a lot of our superficial level chit chatting relies on gendered pronouns. Cutting them out is hard to do/feels un-natural. I can see saying “so cute!” in passing, but if you’re paused on the street with a person, it just feels like it should have a pronoun.

  33. My mom got chewed out by a stranger for dressing me in blue too, so even if *you* don’t care about gendering your baby, that won’t stop people from giving you hell about it unsolicited.

  34. he had long, luxurious curls that his mother couldn’t bear to cut off, but one day at the grocery store someone called him a her

    Same thing happened to my brother! And he was so, so heartbroken when his curls got cut off. He cried and cried, wrapping his hair around his fingers trying to make it curl again. It was heartbreaking. And so fucked that it was considered necessary to break a 2 year old boy’s heart rather than let people think he was a girl.

    The weird thing is when I was that age, I had the same hair, and looked very similar, and was often mistaken for a boy. My brother and I were just androgynous looking babies.

  35. It’s very hard not to stick your foot into something when commenting on other people’s babies. Even, “How old?” can be a punch in the gut to someone like me, who has a baby who is developmentally delayed. My little girl is 18 months but doesn’t sit or crawl yet. When people ask how old she is, I tell them, and I see them doing the calculations in their head. “That’s not right. She isn’t holding herself up, sitting, crawling, understanding that I’m talking to her, etc. How old is my kid/grandkid?”

    Not to criticize. That picture is completely creepy.

  36. So we found out the sex, and I have heard SO MUCH about how girls are ‘easier’ because they’re calmer, gentler, bla bla bla. They dont’ listen to the fact that this kid is punching the shit out of me (almost literally; she seems to prefer my rectum) and is otherwise hilariously hyperactive, at 28 weeks!

    I have bought some girly clothes for her to wear, but nothing obnoxiously frilly. Overall I don’t care about gendering my baby, but if I see something I like I’m going to buy it for her. Which means that, yes, I have a lavendar plaid jumper dress thing that I’m taking her first formal pictures in, because it’s utterly adorable. But on most day to day stuff I’ll probably be dressing her in gender-neutral onesies.

  37. I just think of that “Baby Toupee” fake commercial from SNL. That way I can just hope this is fake.

    I did get irritated once when an acquaintance assumed my baby girl was a baby boy, because her hair was short, and obviously she would have long hair if she were a girl. I found that especially rankling because at the time, I had a pixie cut and my daughter’s dad had long, curly hair down to the middle of his back.

  38. Maybe it just makes us feel better to believe that there’s a preponderance of gender-obsessed parents out there who are less enlightened then us, rather than considering the fact that this is a really dumb idea that pretty much isn’t going to sell to anyone? (witness how many “testimonials” and “pictures of customers” are on the Baby Bangs website)

    The product might be selling poorly through bad advertising or just being a crap product, but the issue of infant gender-panic is very real. It only takes a very short while of walking around here to see girl infants labelled with itchy-looking pink head-garters. Ask their parents why they do it, and you’ll get exactly the same sentiment – “I don’t want people to think she’s a BOY!!!1! *horrified gasp*”

    There also has to be some explanation for the puke-pink explosion in baby stores, and it’s not that the newborns are choosing pink because it’s easy on their eyes. Even birthing suites tend to have a choice of pink or blue blankets.

  39. Leah:

    I have a male dog, and people will frequently ask “What’s her name” to which I nonchalantly reply “His name is Freki”.

    That’s interesting, because usually when sex is unknown, people tend to presume male by default. But I’ve recently heard of some showdog enthusiasts who think female dogs have more “feminine” facial features, which just strikes me as bizarre.
    When I was a baby, I don’t think anyone bothered to feminize me too much unless they were dolling me up for a picture or something. But my older sister’s told me that, even when I was dressed in floral print overalls, people would come up and say, “what a cute little boy,” which I’d always attributed to the male-by-default presumption.

    I’ve always hated those stupid flowery headbands people stick onto baby girls. These baby toupees are even worse. Why not save the poor kid the discomfort and just right the word “GIRL” across her forehead with a magic marker?

  40. As a bub, I wore a navy blue outfit, which my mother loved. My father, however, when confronted with the inevitable “what a gorgeous little boy!” would growl “can’t you see its a girl?!” and would stomp off. I guess he always saw me as so ‘girly’ that the idea anyone would see blue and assume boy was weird… feminist in its own way I guess?

  41. Slightly off topic. We dress the girls “like boys” because we want them to be able to run/crawl/walk/stagger freely, and the clothes least likely to ride up, fall off or hinder their movement are…overalls.

    Which sex gets overalls? Boys. The girls’ clothing in the same age range is mostly dresses and frilly shit. Have you ever seen a baby crawl in a dress? They crawl up on the hem, stop, glare at the hem, and then give you this look like you are a TOTAL DOUCHEBAG for putting that crap on them. Or maybe it’s just my babies. Whatever.

    Yeah, we get shit about not ‘dressing them right’. Fuck it.

    As soon as I can figure out why total strangers need to know what’s in my children’s diapers, I’ll work on caring. In the meantime, I just can’t figure out why anybody thinks it matters.

  42. I am the kind of person who thinks babies are the coolest things ever – and I’m always so instinctively dismayed when I see any baby “dressed up.” I can’t imagine the discomfort of shoes on those little feet, and the energy it took to put on all those tight, nicely tailored items. That’s why they make basic baby clothes so easy to get on and off. I wonder if people are so concerned with gender because we’re all so consumed with that kind of thing as grownups – I know when I meet a baby and think it’s a boy and misspeak because it’s actually a girl – I feel awful. Even if they’re nice about it, I feel bad. Never really thought about this before – Thank you for the post. Rori Raye

  43. This reminds me of a clip from The Office when Hannah brings her baby into work all dressed up in pink and frills.

    Pam: Oh! She’s adorable!
    Hannah: HE
    Pam: Oh, he’s dressed all in pink…
    Hannah: That’s his favourite colour.

  44. The few clothes I’ve bought for my baby girl have been gender neutral, but those get harder to find as she gets older (it’s understood that you may not know the sex of a newborn, but I guess the clothing manufacturers figure by the time they’re a year old you know enough to be able to dress them in pink or khaki). My husband, when given the exclude-the-middle choice between clearly boy clothes and clearly girl clothes, goes with the boy clothes every time. He says that if she were a boy he would go for the pink; I don’t know if that is true and it is not possible to test that at this moment.

    Most people assume she is a boy; a small number are very careful to make no assumptions at all. We deliberately do not correct strangers. The reason for that is that people treat baby girls and baby boys very differently (I’ve heard that sociological studies have been done… don’t have the link) and want her to, as much as possible, have a wide range of socialization and social cues.

    I actually wonder, though, whether our avoidance of pink etc is going to in the end send the wrong message. I don’t wear pink or most feminine trappings myself, and I used to be the type to think that I was superior to other women for that reason. I thought of adornment, makeup, high heels, “feminine” colours etc as being frivolous, beneath my notice. It was actually this site, and specifically Jill, both her existence (a serious, intelligent woman who adopts many trappings of femininity) and some posts by her (which I don’t have time to find to link right now, as said gender-neutral baby is whining for me), that showed me that a sneering disregard for feminine trappings can be a form of misogyny. So I don’t want to send the message to my daughter that there is something wrong with all of the social signs we associate with girls and women, but I also don’t want her to be limited by them or feel she has to conform. So I throw in a pink sleeper among the pile: she has about 1/10 “girl clothes.”

    I have much more to say on the subject but baby needs me.

  45. I wore hand me downs from older boy cousins until I was about 4, so people always thought I was a boy. My parents, being very sensible people, never bothered with the frilly girl clothes because a) they could get perfectly good baby clothes for free from my aunts, and b) they wanted me to be free to run around – overalls are better for that than dresses My younger brother had beautiful curly hair, and my mom let it grow until he was about 2 and everyone thought he was a girl. The fact that he was often seen pushing a doll around in a stroller, was also probably a contributing factor. Of course, he is amongst the only 19 year old boys that I’ve encountered that (openly) enjoys spending time with babies and small children. People are always surprised when he asks to hold the baby (who is of course passed to me and my sister by default).

  46. I had short hair as a kid and people sometimes mistook me for a boy. I hated it. I’m a girl, dammit! I’m proud of being a girl and was proud of it then. So I’m sure that’s part of the reason that for my kid I always picked ‘girl’ clothing. It was rarely pink, but there were a lot of purples, or florals, or something that said ‘yes this is a girl.’ Because being identified as something I wasn’t drove me crazy. I’m sure I’m not the only kid who grew up in the lime-green 70s who thought that way, either.

    I’m well aware that my personal issues are not and should not be my child’s, but my daughter also didn’t need to hear me spaz every time she was called a boy, so that’s why I did what I did.

    Her ears aren’t pierced (why do people do that? WHY?) and I would never have bought her a… toupee, though.

  47. When a friend of mine was pregnant, she swore she wasn’t going to gender the heck out of her baby – the nursery was going to be green, the diaper bag was going to be blue, and this baby was going to be happy growing up however s/he felt fit.

    Then she found out she was having a girl, and suddenly it all changed. She rather apologetically let me know that she was going with pink after all, because she “just couldn’t help it.” I responded by knitting a blanket with pink hearts around the edge and a skull and crossbones in the middle. It’s now baby’s favorite blanket.

  48. When a friend of mine was pregnant, she swore she wasn’t going to gender the heck out of her baby – the nursery was going to be green, the diaper bag was going to be blue, and this baby was going to be happy growing up however s/he felt fit.

    Then she found out she was having a girl, and suddenly it all changed. She rather apologetically let me know that she was going with pink after all, because she “just couldn’t help it.” I responded by knitting a blanket with pink hearts around the edge and a skull and crossbones in the middle. It’s now baby’s favorite blanket.
    OH! You’re my new favorite blogger fyi

  49. Is the little girl in the pic wearing MAKEUP!!!

    Its really creepy to put a wig on a baby, yuck. Are people trying to make the baby look sexy?? ery alarming.

  50. Ha, as if to prove it, when I mentioned this article to a coworker, she insisted her granddaughter’s favorite color IS pink. The kid is 21 months, so I think there may be a little projection there (or else the kid is being brainwashed by her pinkified environment).

    Fortunately for me, I’m too broke to buy all the barfy pink princess crap they churn out these days. I shop secondhand, where there are plenty of cute things left over from the pre-Dora, pre-“juicy” era.

    PS to Persia: as a kid I preferred being mistaken for a boy, which I could easily correct, to being mistake for a girly girl, which people just can’t seem to shake. As you say, “because being identified as something I wasn’t drove me crazy.” Adults will be disturbed for a moment if they make the gender error, but they will persist with, “But don’t you like DOLLS? Let’s go get a PEDICURE!” even if you tell them you’re not that kinda girl. (Even when you grow up and have to say it to your coworkers.)

  51. Many people do think innate gender differences are seen early. We have a 3/12 yo boy and 21 month girl. I’ve been asked, in a way that assumes I agree, about how different they are. I try to keep it pretty low-key, but reply that no, I don’t see a big difference between them. Sometimes I point out how verbal the boy is, which is obvious, but his spacial skills need work. The girl has great spacial memory and skills and is a fearless climber as well.

    The boy was born with a head full of blond, curly hair. He prefers to keep it long. We ask him if he wants it long like mom or short like dad and he’s always picks long. The girl was bald and her hair is still short, which is not uncommon in our families. So strangers regularly get the gender wrong. I never correct them because I realy do not want to get in a discussions about it or listen to thier appologies.

    Spouse commented last night, that so far we’ve done a pretty good job about not gendering our kids. When things do come up, we address it, but in a very casual way. So far so good.

  52. Where to start?

    First off, I’m a grandmother (ie, “old”).

    Re: the photos at the beginning of this discussion — the second kid looks weird!! Like the mom is already planning to start the kid in kiddie beauty contests or something. Which is sick.

    I like pink on babies because it’s generally so flattering to their coloring — baby blue is not as good, but okay — yellow and pale greens can look ghastly if the kid’s coloring isn’t right for those colors.

    But they ALL look best in bright red or royal blue. Navy blue can be quite nice, too.

    As a nurse, I used to work in a mother-baby unit. Night shift. So, if there was a baby with lovely, curly hair — boy or girl — we’d use a dab of KY jelly to “glue” a tiny bow among the curls and ohh and ahh over how cute it looked. If it were a boy, of course, we’d take the bow out before taking him out to mom. 🙂

    When I think of all the babies around the world who are just lucky to have clothes, I guess the question of gender color doesn’t mean too much to me.

    Peace.

  53. Being mistakenly called a boy for years and years has always bothered me. I’ve never been able to put my finger on why, but there’s just a sense of unease about being labeled the wrong gender. When I was 5-15 I had short hair, boyish features and had no interest in girly clothes. After that I developed breasts so most of the mistaken gender problems went away, but even last week I had my shortish hair under a hat and called called “Young Man.” Again, a slightly bothered feeling. I do feel like I’m OVBVIOUSLY female, I just wish someone could psycho-analyze my vague bothered feelings away, haha.

  54. E M Russell — I don’t think that’s weird or anti-feminist or anything. Being a woman is an essential part of who you are. At 8-12 I thought it was hilarious to be mistaken for a boy — what a neat way to fool people. But — even as a woman who can’t get into make-up and hose and sexy shoes and all that, I don’t think I’d be especially excited to be mistaken for a man now.

  55. Sorry for off-topic-ing in response to Akeeyu , who made me laugh out loud about getting “the look” for setting baby up in tricksy girl clothes. When mine started walking I bought the bullshit about the need for “good shoes”. She watched my efforts to get them on her squishy little feet just right with intense interest, so when the hard soles and laced ankles eliminated her ability to use her feet, dumping her flat on her face, she knew who was to blame. The memory of the look she gave me remains vivid twenty-plus years later.

  56. Sorry for off-topic-ing in response to Akeeyu , who made me laugh out loud about getting “the look” for setting baby up in tricksy girl clothes. A pair of worse-than-useless hard-soled ankle-high “good shoes” made mine fall flat on her face; she knew who to blame. The memory of the look she gave me remains vivid twenty-plus years later.

  57. We have a lovely five month old daughter with next to no hair. Both my wife and I are very against gendering our kid, so she wears a lot of green and yellow cute little jumpsuits. Most people mistake her for a boy because boy = default. I usually do correct them, and most of them just nod and smile. Some people get all up in my face about “she’s a little girl!” and should therefore be wearing pink and have her ears pierced. She doesn’t care: she’s just trying to crawl and chewing her fingers. Once I explain that we’re trying to insulate our daughter from gender roles insofar as this is possible, most people react pretty positively to it — except elderly people, who totally get bent out of shape.

  58. I’m kind of surprised at the question. Are the majority of people in western society non-conformist? Do we not live in a highly-gendered world? Even feminists wear make-up and gendered clothing because regardless of personal philosophy we have still been molded by our own upbringing. The world doesn’t change overnight. We are less constrained by our gender than in the past but it certainly still has a major impact on our lives. Most parents want their children to fit in with their peers. To not be the target of bullies and to have friends. No matter how hot it is, we don’t wear bathing suits to school or work or to a wedding. Why not? It’s just a social norm that we cooperate with in order to fit in with society. That’s why parents gender their children to a greater or lessor degree. They want their children to be accepted into a particular community to which they either belong to or aspire to join.

  59. I get mistaken for a guy a lot (for reasons I don’t really understand – I’m petite and relatively feminine, stylewise) and have been pretty regularly since I was a teenager. It’s never really bothered me. Actually, the only time it bothered me was this time I was wearing a skirt, cute shoes, makeup, and possibly even some jewelry. That time it was annoying because I was like, “OMG PEOPLE REALLY?!” not so much because it bugged me that I apparently wasn’t “passing” for whatever reason.

    I used to have a really deep voice, too, and very rarely got pegged female over the phone until somewhere in the middle of college. Whatever. My attitude has always been that I know who I am and don’t care what anyone else thinks. Then again my situations of mistaken gender identity have been very innocuous and haven’t resulted in anything bad happening to me. I might have a different attitude about all of this if that were the case.

  60. I started asking people their babies gender every time because people got extremely insulted when I referred to their babies as “it”. Which is really the natural thing to me to do, even when the princess clothing gives clear gender cues; I have to consciously remind myself to refer to living beings that are not obviously men or women with gender pronouns and that starts by learning what gender pronounse to use. The alternative would be an even greater degree of self-censoring where I rephrase everything awkwardly to avoid even the pronoun.

    I also do this with pets, like dogs.

  61. This is stupid beyond all reason. One, no baby I have ever known would EVER keep that shit on his/her head. That’s just going to cause frustration for the baby and the parents. Second, if you are that intent on perfect strangers knowing that you have a boy or a girl, then you can get clothes that practically scream the baby’s gender. Of course, why you couldn’t easily correct people who happen to guess incorrectly is beyond me. Third, kids (and especially girls) get enough crap from TV, magazines, and their peers telling them that every part of their body has major flaws which need to be covered up or corrected in some way. They shouldn’t have to put up with that shit from their parents – especially during infancy.

    Take the money you would spend on that shit and start a college fund for him/her instead.

  62. i wish i could have passed for a boy.

    never, ever was mistaken for a boy. even when my dad dressed me (and he totally did dress me in boy clothes) i was always pegged as a girl. in eleentary school, i quickley noticed that boys got more attention from the teacher and were rewarded for participating in class, whereas girls didn’t get as much attention and were generally punished for participating. so i tried to dress like a boy (oh how my mother had FITS… especially when i cut my hair off). and it DID NOT WORK. i turned in my paperwork with just initials “S.E.”, didnt work. everyone seemed to know all the time i was girl, and always treated me like a girl. ask for transformers, get barbies sort of treatment.

    i think its why i am soooooooo anti-feminine, and why i WILL NOT buy gendered anything for my nieces (ok, not totally true, i have bought both of them play swords)

  63. Ens, that’s because referring to a person, whether adult or infant, as an “it” is *extremely* offensive and dehumanizing. Chairs are its, toys are its, things are its, people are not. What you want is a gender neutral pronoun like “zie”.

  64. In ancient Greek, pre-pubescent children were described with neuter nouns. That is, the world for a boy child conveyed that he would develop into a male, but had a neuter gender. Girls, similarly, were non-gendered. English around the turn of the 20th century seems to have done a similar thing (describing children as “it” rather than he/she, at least in my family’s archives).

    Now, we gender children artificially with more than just our language.

  65. Ha, I kind of got in trouble for giving my unborn niece a camo outfit at the shower. It probably wasn’t the right place for such a guerilla attack on gender norms, but I figured my sister would be able to explain. I didn’t say anything when she went, “Uh… Well… I guess it could still be a boy,” but part of me was cackling. She knows I mean no harm; I just want her baby to grow up to be a weirdo drag king like me.

    And yes, I love my sister, and I love my now 1-year old niece, and they love me back. We just don’t see eye-to-eye on the whole pink frilly baby business.

    Oh, and whoever invented the baby wig obviously does not realize that fuzzy baby hair (especially when it sticks up like the Eiffel Tower) is the epitome of cute.

  66. Maybe it’s just me, but I find both versions of the baby picture revolting and indeed vaguely disturbing, like witnessing some sort of human-fish hybrid straight out of The Shadow Over Innsmouth. Okay, no maybe about it, I have to admit the chances the baby actually IS a human-fish hybrid are pretty low, but…damn.

  67. As an unrepentant coo-er over the babies of total strangers, I have always found that the best way to address the “infant of indeterminate gender” issue is this:

    “Oooooh, ahhhhh … what a cutie! Look at those (eyes, curls, long fingers, cheeks, shoes)! How old is your baby?” To this, the parent will generally respond, “She (or he) is (fill in the blank).” If that doesn’t do the trick and
    the parent merely gives a non-definitive response like, “six months,” you can then address the baby directly and say, “Awww … what’s your name?” The parent will then tell you the baby’s name, which will almost always settle the matter, and even if it doesn’t, who cares? The whole point of the interaction is to be allowed to get close enough to smell and/or touch the baby.

  68. I was mistaken for a boy all the time when I was a kid. My parents delighted in “unisex” baby cloths, preferring to dress me in green or yellow or orange rather than the Blue For Boys or Pink For Girls that seem so popular now. My folks got, “Oh what a handsome little man” or “What a big boy you have!” all the time. They rarely bothered to correct strangers, because who cares?

    Meanwhile, my baby brother was sometimes mistaken for a girl, and–relevant to this topic–it was because of his hair. As a baby, my brother had the most wonderful soft floating curls you have ever seen. He also had (and still has) gloriously long eye lashes. He was (and is) an extremely pretty boy. Again, my parents didn’t give two shits if some stranger mistook their son for a girl.

    My dad is of the opinion that a child doesn’t need a gendered pronoun “until it pupates.” (His term for the advent of puberty.) My mother rejects the terminology but embraces the sentiment.

  69. At my first Christmas, my mother stuck a bow (of the sort that one sticks on presents) in my hair. I don’t think it was explicitly about gendering me; it was more a joke on the facts that a) they’d just adopted me (Merry Christmas!) and b) I had no hair anyway. They probably would have done the same thing to my hypothetical brother Douglas, and didn’t take me out in public like that (although incriminating photographic evidence exists, shhh…).

    I think the story is funny, especially since there are pictures of me where I look like the world’s smallest little old man, bald head, glasses, vaguely disapproving expression and all. 🙂

  70. Interrobang, I think all families have at least one photo of a baby with a gift bow stuck to its head. I’m not even sure that it’s more for girls than boys (though It’d be interesting to know). I think it’s mainly just silliness.

  71. The whole point of the interaction is to be allowed to get close enough to smell and/or touch the baby.

    I can’t believe I didn’t think of the worst part of these baby wigs until I read this comment. How are you supposed to smell their little heads if they have wigs on them? It’s an outrage!

  72. So, here’s my question:

    Doesn’t claiming to dress a baby in “gender neutral” color palettes do the same damage as mistaking gender based on wardrobe? I mean, if you dress a baby in yellow so that people don’t automatically assume she is a she, then doesn’t that imply that the color pink is somehow innately feminine?

    I mean, I think the biggest issue with dressing your infant in a frilly cupcake dress with sequins and ribbons is not whether said costume fits accordingly with the gender profile of your offspring, but that you are dressing your newborn like a bratz doll.

  73. Um, Kwachie and Chingona, if you get that close to a lot of ppl’s babies, they will be weirded out about germs etc. Most of us lately have been lectured with the “don’t let strangers or even non-close family members touch ’em till they are six months.”

    Why are gender-neutral colors always yucky orange etc? I find that every baby looks great in crisp white.

    Lastly, why is camo ever considered appropriate for children? I find it really repulsive. Can’t we wait for the violent-video-game stage to indoctrinate them?

  74. Um, Roving Thundercloud, I don’t accost strangers with babies. Generally, I will hold a baby if doing so will help out the mother, but I am not someone who must have her hands on a baby.

    But if I have the opportunity to hold a baby, I will smell its head. Repeatedly. And if there was a wig on that head, it would be very disappointing.

  75. The second photo is just sad. I do not see it as cuter. And way back to the first commenter Opoponax got it right. No way that wig stays on.

    Our daughter was fairly bald for the first 3 months. At 11 months she looks like a girl to us but w/o an overt sign of pink some people can no tell. Mostly because her ears are not peirced. We live in Spain and were we are most girls ears are pierced before they even leave the hospital. That is the “tell” here.

  76. doesn’t that imply that the color pink is somehow innately feminine?

    I suppose it depends how exactly you interpret “dressing your baby in a gender neutral manner”. The boys’ section of most baby clothes shops are just as obnoxiously over-gendered as the girls’ side. So, sure, if you’re avoiding pink and going exclusively with navy onesies with cammo appliques of trucks, you’re not really acheiving “gender neutral” but more like “anything feminine is bad”.

    On the other hand, I feel like dressing your baby in the full spectrum of colors is probably closer to the desired effect, because it’s not just about Avoiding Feminine, it’s about a wide variety of options which either have no particular gender association or which might belong in either column.

  77. This wins Disturbing Gender Enforcement Product of the Year 2008.

    Can someone please buy one of these for their baby boy, take pictures, and send them into the site with a glowing customer review of how cute it makes him look? Pleeeeeeease?

  78. Why are gender-neutral colors always yucky orange etc? I find that every baby looks great in crisp white.

    For about thirty seconds, maybe. On a good day. I can’t stand camo either, but I can see the practical appeal.

    We dressed our kid in brights a lot of the time – red, orange, purple, turquoise, lime green, canary yellow, and combinations thereof.

  79. Chingona–I retract any implied sarcasm in my comment above. As for the delightful smell of a baby’s head, don’t worry, they will probably follow up with a fake baby’s-head-smell scent full of parabens etc. to spray on the wig. 😉

    Lauredhel, a practical camo would be tones of spitup, peas, and leaky diapers, with a few swirls of Magic Marker and jam.

    We use a lot of red and teal, and I have a pink-avoiding in-law who used lots of shades of purple for her little girl, for a feminine (if you have to have that) but not feminized look. Non-lime greens (grass, kelly, etc.) are good too but of course forest green is “masculine”.

  80. As kids my sister and I played with little animal figurines, dolls, trolls, My Little Ponies, a garage, a dolls’ house, toy Barbie horse and stable, a toy farm, marbles, wooden building blocks, Duplo, Bagatail, Barbies and Junior Monopoly. We made dens and mud pies, played pirates, played nurseries, walked for miles, climbed gates and trees and read A LOT.

    I would wish this kind of childhood for any child. I WOULD NOT buy a child guns: I think this is horrible.

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