Whole in My Soul June 1, 2005 Lauren Remember that conversation we had last month about the socially requisite wedding ice? This is what I was talking about. via Chaos Theory
Holy cow. What a miserable girlfriend. Thank you for a good example of why men should be feminists too, though.
I’m a little chastened, since I already bought my girfriend a diamond ring just for the hell of it. Still, I’d like to think (no, I know) that she wouldn’t pull anything remotely like this.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I dated a very nice guy who happened to be jeweler. We joked around that I wouldn’t marry him for less than two carats, and when he proposed to me, he brought me three long-stemmed carrots in a box much like the sort for roses. Why didn’t I marry him instead of the idiot I did?
I have one word for this womyn: Ballsack. She’s a f’n ballsack. I’m glad to see he ended the relationship. When Wolf and I were house shopping just before we married he said to me “I can’t buy a ring and a house at the same time and I don’t know what to do.” To which I responded “You can live in a house but not in a ring.” When I told others this story, I got the most bizaar responses such as: “If he didn’t buy me the ring I wouldn’t marry him until he did.” “I told him he had to spend $30,000 on a ring. When he gave it to me I demanded the reciept to see that he spent what I thought I was worth.” “My husband bought me this little speck” (shows finger) “and I told him I wanted something bigger and told me he wanted me to continue to wear this one for the semetimental value and I told him it wasn’t big enough.” I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Engagement rings are merely a status symbol and, the longer I’m married, the less I want one (although Wolf knew I wanted emeralds and not diamonds back when he was thinking on buying me a ring.) Even now I don’t wear my band due to: *It’s too small *Because it was my mother’s I feel it represents her marriage to my dad and not my marriage to my husband *It shows ownership/procession of me *It’s gold
I didn’t change my name, and it still amazes me how unusual that is. And I did not want an engagement ring because to me it symbolizes that I’m marrying a man who’s able to provide for me, i.e. dowry. I was amazed when a much younger friend told me that she absolutely had to have an engagement ring because she’s worth it. She also isn’t sure what to do about her name.
To be fair, we only have the guy’s version of what happened here. The girlfriend’s version of their breakup might be signficiantly different. For example, we don’t know how much money he spends on toys for himself while claiming that he got a cheap ring for his girlfriend because he couldn’t afford a more expensive one. I’m not sure why I feel compelled to point this out, except that the guy’s feeling the need to tell his story on ebay didn’t impress me favorably. Why didn’t he just put the ring up for auction with a description instead of going through the whole rigamarole about how wrong she done him?
I have to say that I don’t find engagement rings to be so bad, although I do deplore the behavior of women demanding larger diamonds or different cuts from what they are offered. I’m engaged right now and I do wear a diamond engagement ring. The diamond was the one in my great-grandmother’s ring and I am the fourth woman in my family to wear it. Each woman had a new setting made for it. I love the ring because of the history it gives me, not because of the stone or size. I wouldn’t have been at all picky if my fiance had wanted to buy me a diamond or ring, although I probably would have chosen sapphires or something just because they are often prettier (I do think my ring is beautiful). I don’t feel that wearing an engagement ring shows any type of ownership of me or anything, I wear it because I love the tradition it brings with it and I love that it shows the world that I am in love and about to be married. Marriage is a declaration of love, as far as I am concerned. Is wearing a symbol of that so bad? I’m about to publicly declare my love and my intention to share my life with one person. Is it so bad to wear a ring that makes that evident? I really have trouble understanding all the complaining about engagement rings! What is so incredibly awful about them really?
We talked it through and decided we’d be happy married. I told him that an engagement ring would be nice, but he wasn’t to spend more than he could afford, and no diamonds. I had no intention of us beginning our life together by lining De Beers’ pockets. So he picked out a sweet little ruby solitare, eye-clean, in a setting that had a thin gold half-circle wrapping around it. Certainly not designed to be an engagement ring, but it met my criteria. 25 years and a few resizings later (my weight has bounced around) I still wear it with pleasure. Oh, and we picked our wedding rings out later, and they didn’t match the engagement ring. So I’ve always worn the ruby on my right hand. Works for us, and who else has a right to care?
I feel bad for the guy, but at least he won’t be getting divorced any time soon. We bought an engagement ring for my bethrothed. It has a small diamond with 2 saphires. Very beautiful. She feels similar to Rosepixie and likes jewelry. We bought a diamond that was certified as legally mined and sold, though I suspect that has only minimal effect. We both payed for it since we had merged our finances already. 16 more days to go! I’m anxious for the day to arrive (and all the party planning to be over).
Rosepixie asks: I really have trouble understanding all the complaining about engagement rings! What is so incredibly awful about them really? i personally don’t care what folks want to do to symbolize their relationship. they could wear funny hats or get tattoos or whatever. but the widespread emphasis on the financial value of the ring strongly reinforces the commodification of intimate relationships that many folks feel uncomfortable with – and for good reason, when considered in the light of long history of women being regarded as property. another problem with the emphasis on financial value is the requirement by many that the rings sport little bits o’ worthless carbon that thousands slave & die for on a regular basis, an industry that anyone with a shred of moral conscience would rightfully abhor. it’s true that a beginning effort toward certification has begun, but as far as i know trying to trace diamonds in the international market is nearly impossible. a wholesale international boycott would probably be the only thing that would ensure any kind of real reform taking place. i’m curious, actually, anyone here have or know of rings made out of “alternative” materials (i.e., not little bits o’ blood-stained carbon)?
… an industry that anyone with a shred of moral conscience would rightfully abhor. err, cough cough… my horse ain’t actually THAT high really. i drives a car & drinks Coke & pay my taxes & whatnot. just got carried away after reading about all that again.
i’m curious, actually, anyone here have or know of rings made out of “alternative” materials (i.e., not little bits o’ blood-stained carbon)? Becky and I have little plain platinum band wedding rings. She would have refused an engagement ring had I misjudged her seriously enough to offer one. Diamonds were never a possibility, for the political reasons alluded to above and because Becky finds them boring and gauche besides. Same goes for gold. Platinum is not a particularly wonderful and sustainably extracted material – 12 tons of ore for an ounce of metal, and most of it is mined in South Africa and Zimbabwe – but a lot of the commercial above-ground supply is recycled. Our rings are small: it’s likely that a new car contains more platinum than Becky’s ring does. I like my ring because it’s plain and durable. I’ve worn mine 24/7 for ten years and 13 days at this writing. It’s been scraped on sand and gravel and garden soil, thrust into car engines, and slammed against rock faces in the desert, and it has just the slightest patina of scratches. As does our marriage.
/shrug/ If engagement rings are just wonderful declarations of love, why don’t men wear them? Joe and I never did get engaged. In fact, we never exactly dated before we shacked up, and we waited 19 years before we got around to getting married. (I needed health insurance, that’s why.) I just wasn’t crazy about having the State in our bed, and it still gives me the willies sometimes. I mean, we ran around to the movies toegther and all, but that was after we moved in together. Um, well, actually I moved in with him the day I met him, but that’s another story. When we went traveling in 1980 and wanted to look respectable we got a marriage license from the county and a matching pair of silver bands from a local craftswomen (met her at her table on Telegraph Avenue) for $25. We wore them out. They got sharp at the edges and Joe’s actually split. Now we have matching silver bands with a braid design; got them at a Celtic festival. We do take them off at bedtime. In fact, I used to take the somewhat broader old one off to do tree work, after I got a splinter under it once. I do think we did things in the best possible order, given how we both feel about dating. (Like Martians, that’s how.)
I have no problems with wearing rings. I chose, however, not to have my father “give me away.” I walked myself down the aisle. In fact, all of the wedding party processed down the aisle starting with my DH, the groom. No sneaking in from the side doors!
/shrug/ If engagement rings are just wonderful declarations of love, why don’t men wear them? Agreed. Hence why if and when I get married, my fiance will wear an engagement ring. I don’t look at engagement rings as a symbol of the past as women as property. I look at it as a way of telling the world and the person you love that you are soon to be wedded to someone. I like the idea of that symbol. Like the beginning of a journey to your wedding. I would like my future fiance to wear an engangement ring with that in mind. Aaaaaaand to tell all those little tramps out there to keep their mits off my man. 😀 Seriously though, I never ever understand why men don’t wear them. I will insist that mine do so. Now, alternates to mined diamonds: I’m very interested in lab-created or “cultured” diamonds. Gemisis is the current leader in lab-created colored diamonds. Still not sure? Mayhap you would like something a little, oh, I don’t know…more personal. Then you should look into Biojewellery.com. The lucky couple donates their bone cells that are then harvested to make to make rings with each partners bone tissue. Not sure if you can get anymore unique than that. And I’m with everyone else that doesn’t change their name. To me, it’s a hassle that I don’t want to be bothered with.
My husband is English and apparently it isn’t as common there as it is in America for husbands to wear wedding rings. He therefore takes great delight in the individuality and chance to proclaim his love for me to anyone glancing at his hand. Which is why I liked wearing an engagement ring, and if we had more cash at the time, my husband would’ve worn one as well. And I changed my name because I hate my parents and want nothing to do with my biological family whatsoever. But that’s just me. 🙂