Call me unsexy, but December 29, 2008 Jill Is it wrong that of Men’s Health “30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman,” the only ones that would get my attention are “How about a massage?” and “Hungry? Stay right here. I’ll go make you a burrito”? via Jezebel.
“I love how you taste”? Really? This is one of those things that would make me stop and say “Please do not repeat things you read in Maxim”. I will, however, take the burrito and the playful laughter.
Is it disturbing to anyone else that: 2. “Is it okay with you if I take this slow?” is immediately followed by: 3. “I can’t stop touching you.” #3: CREEPY
Also disturbing: “You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don’t make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips” Maybe I’ve watched too many movies or too much Sylar, but that is spine-chilling.
leah, that one would just make me laugh in his face. However, “I’ll go make the coffee” and “you sleep, I’ll get the baby” would definitely make me happy. And probably get me naked more often.
“Do you feel this, too?” (“This” being an incredible emotional euphoria.) I like how this one obviously requires the additional explanation, either verbally or presumably through some hand gestures or shivering.
I personally liked the one about asking her what she sees in the moon’s reflection on the ceiling. Seriously? Girlfriend is probably just gonna see that you’re a douche who gets his lines from Men’s Health.
“I’ll get the lights”? Really? That’s what you say to a naked woman? “Hey, I notice you’re naked. Let me make it so I can’t see you any more!”
“I’ll get the lights”? Really? That’s what you say to a naked woman? “Hey, I notice you’re naked. Let me make it so I can’t see you any more!” Haha . . . this reminds me of the time when we were getting ready for bed and my husband, completely accidentally, in response to something totally different (though I didn’t realize it for a second), said “can I stop looking now?” at the exact moment that I was taking off my shirt. I still haven’t let him hear the end of it 🙂
Words that end in “uck.” Yes, even “duck,” when appropriate. I personally thought of “yuck” when I read this one. I can’t think of a scenario in which that would be appropriate. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: “Suckers.” This had me LMAOing at work. If my guy said this, I’d kick him out of the room.
LOL What a funny list. I’d definitely go for the coffee one, though. And the playing hooky one. Over all though, these lists inevitably encourage guys to try too hard.
I am horribly embarrassed to say that more than a few of these have worked on me…in my defense, my husband is incredibly hot…so he could probably read the phone book while kissing that spot on my neck and I’d be molten jello (yes…Molten Jello.) “I’ll get the lights”? Really? That’s what you say to a naked woman? “Hey, I notice you’re naked. Let me make it so I can’t see you any more!” Umm…I actually assumed it was turn the lights ON rather than off. My brain is clearly wired wrong.
Am I the only one here who can’t think of anything less sexy than a burrito in bed? Maybe its because I live in a heavily Mexican area (which means incredible Mexican food), but theres no way anyone’s hands or mouth is going anywhere near my genitals after handling/eating something doused in the kinds of peppers you only find at ethnic markets run by sadists.
What do you think the odds are that immediately after the burrito line, the speaker returns with a tortilla wrapped around his unit? Geez. What a sad list.
It’s probably sad that I think burrito and expect someone to go and get me one from Qdoba or Chipotle, not one of those frozen microwavable burritos. Frozen microwavable burritos =/= sexy.
While most of them are not very sexy, and it would be pretty disingenuous to get your lines from a magazine, at least they stay away from blatant misogyny (for the most part – the one where you’re supposed to shush her doesn’t sit very well with me).
I agree with the coffee or baby one would make me get naked more often or get gushy inside. at least, assuming that those are appropriate. also, I do think good morning has something to it. I totally wouldn’t get the suckers thing, most likely. I’d just be confused. and though my boyfriend does tell me on a regular basis that he loves my belly I’m 100% sure, it’s not because a magazine suggested it. also, I have to know-when is duck appropriate? really. when? are you guys in bed in a target gallery?
@ frau sally benz – LMAO! 🙂 “While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: “What do you see?”” – The ceiling, dumbass, let me sleep!
Personally, I’d love it if someone said that I look hungry and would get me a burrito. But yeah, the whole not making a sound while invading her personal space is WAY too reminiscent of Friday the 13th movies, what with the silent killers and whatnot.
also, I have to know-when is duck appropriate? really. when? are you guys in bed in a target gallery? kb for the win. maybe if you own one of those rubber duckie vibrators?
I’ve got small kids so checking the baby and playing hooky rock! Of course I’ve been married for a while so the other ones really sound lame. @caroline – Oh yeah, sleep!
I’m pretty fond of the baby one too. And the “suckers” one led my mind immediately to looking out the window and saying “sucks to be them”, which for some reason does it for me – although in a “you’re funny, I like that” kind of way, as opposed to “Oh you must be so in love with me”. I am now determined to work the word duck into the conversation next time we are naked…
9. Her name—her full name—followed by a “Wow.” That made me giggle because my first thought was, “he needs to remind himself who he’s with”. I like the emphasis on “full name”. Because it’s not as effective unless you use her full name – first name and surname.
22. “Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing.” LMAO Did it occur to the writer that she might never squeeze his hand?
If you need her to squeeze your hand when you’re doing it right, chances are you’ve never done it right. Trust me kids, you’ll know. Also, if you need o get your lines from Men’s Health…………….. Yeah.
22. “Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing.” LMAO Did it occur to the writer that she might never squeeze his hand? I’ll take that any day over “Shut up, you know you like it.” When we were first dating, I got “let me know when it’s really good” from my boyfriend, and while it was a bold proposition, it was a good way for him to find out what was really good for me. It also helped that he was able to follow through. The coffee thing and the hooky thing would probably work on me. Not so much with the burrito, but I think that’s only because I’m imagining beans all over the sheets; a grilled cheese might just do it for me. And, yeah, probably the single sexiest thing my guy has ever said to me was, “Go back to sleep. I’ll let the dog out.”
Ouch. I’d said a couple of the douchier things when trying too hard and now I’m embarrassed by the former me. That being said, any parent of younguns wants to hear “You sleep, I’ll take care of the baby”. “I’ll make coffee” is also a good one. William – I agree. Spicy food + oral sex = someone with sore genitals.
Are these supposed to be ranked? I hope not, because “Good morning” as the hottest thing to say is a rather bizarre choice. Especially if you’re having sex in the evening. You’d have to wonder how many of these were “tested” as opposed to being thrown together over lunch to fill space (which is what it feels like).
I didn’t realize that after high-school girls, Twilight‘s biggest audience was the staff of Men’s Health. Also, on the “uck” one, did anyone not immediately think, “Help! I’m stuck!” (Although, okay, they do deserve some credit for the baby one, the burrito one, et al. And the only thing that was truly creepy and not just hilariously lame was the silent finger on the lips. But, again, I can only say… Twilight.)
@ ACG Telling each other (verbally or nonverbally) when something feels good is wonderful. I fully endorse that and practice it myself. But to be told how I should express my pleasure? That’s a bit presumptuous don’t you think?
wow, i don’t know if you’re supposed to say this sort of thing DURING sex, but i don’t generally talk during sex? probably the sexiest thing i’ve ever said was ‘sorry hon i wasn’t trying to kill you with my elbow just now.’ mostly we just laugh because sex is funny. 😛
by ‘we’ i mean me and my boyfriend. i guess you’re supposed to say these things before or after, right? i dunno i just usually say stuff like ‘awwww you’re so prettyyyy!’ but i’m a big geek so who knows rofl
(Although, okay, they do deserve some credit for the baby one, the burrito one, et al. I thought so too at first but then…why should something that should be routine be sexy? “You look tired I’ll get the baby” should be a routine statement made any time you (whether you are the mother or the father) are tired and your partner is not, NOT a line used to get sex. The burrito one maybe: it’s an offer above and beyond the basic requirements of a relationship but I never thought my partner was particularly sexy when he took care of the baby just that he was a decent human being doing a thing any decent human being would do.
#9 [full name] – I grew up where someone saying my full name meant I was in deep shit. I wouldn’t be wowed, I’d be cringing, and then staring. #19 [waking up next to > sleeping with] – I would likely take this the wrong way. What’s worked better is, “I get to sleep with you, and I get to wake up next to you! Hooray!” #24 “There’s nothing else I’d rather be doing right now” – I certainly the fuck hope not. If you have to state out loud that you are preferring this to other things, I will probably stare at you a lot.
see, i like to hear “i love how you taste” (my wife says it all the time) but i’m picturing cunnilingus here… and a woman saying it. a lot of these are either lame or creepy… “no one’s ever done that before” can be hot, but only if it’s true. the “squeeze my hand when it’s amazing” thing would just distract the hell out of me; i’d never get off! you know what’s REALLY hot? Asking if you can do something. Especially when things are new. I mean, if you’ve been together a while “can I kiss you” is tedious, but “can i fuck you?” “can i go down on you?” etc… drives my wife wild.