In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

I may never be a woman :-(

One night at a dinner table at a wedding, I got into an argument with a female guest about terminology I was using. She was asking about my dating escapades and I kept calling females “girls”. After a while, she took offense:

“We are not girls, we are women.”

I said: “No, I call most females girls. Women are different than girls.”

She asked me to explain my terminology for females. I responded:

“Girls are girls until they have a baby. Then they become women.”

She asked: “And what do they become after they are moms?”

I said: “Well eventually they become ladies.”

Very cool perspective, Rich. Very cool. I hope if you ever meet, say, Sonia Sotomayor or Condoleezza Rice, you’re all, “Heeeey girl.”

Wherein OK Cupid is right about everything.

Oh dear. I like to exercise, I use Twitter every day, I’m 27 and would describe my body type as “average,” I went to a really expensive college and all of the things that those characteristics predict are 100% true.

Also now I am going to re-think my position on not dating vegetarians.

Posted in Sex

Ten Women to Settle For

We just discussed how ladies should definitely focus on dating men who they don’t find physically attractive, who are significantly older or younger than they are, who are emotionally needy, who they don’t share common interests or values with, and who have hygiene issues. Well, the same dude who brought us “10 Underrated Men and Why You Should Date Them” now sets his sight on women, and tells us which bottom-feeder broads to point our collective erections towards. Listen to these losers:

5 Foot 9’ers (and taller)
Social norms tell us that in romantic relationships the man should be taller than the woman. But with only 14% of the male population being over 6’ tall, this leaves tall women with few choices outside of hunching over and wearing flats in hopes of appearing less statuesque, right? Wrong! Contrary to these “norms,” I suggest embracing your height. Those attempts to fool the eye of a potential suitor don’t work and actually make you appear self-conscious read less attractive Confidence is sexy! Don’t be afraid to wear those 5-inch platform stiletto Louboutins… put them on and walk tall!

Hold up. I thought this was going to be the ladies’ version of the 10 Underrated Men to Date — that is, a list directed at men that will instruct them to settle for women they aren’t actually romantically interested in? Silly rabbit who didn’t read the intro: “The following list includes the 10 most underrated women and what you can do, ladies, if you fall in one of these categories and want to stand out!” So girls, if you’re one of these Underrated Women, here is what you can do to make yourself as marriageable as possible:

Ms. Jr. Booty
Long before Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian and Beyonce, men have appreciated an ample derrière. Since the beginning of time, a woman with a larger back was viewed as feminine and beautiful. But before you invest in butt implants or make a smaller investment in the Booty Pop (on sale at Target for only $20… yes, I had to research that), know that men DO have love for the ladies with a Jr. Booty. Remember, it’s all about proportion — as long as your hip to waist ratio is 70% or less (divide your waist measurement by your hip measurement to determine), you have a figure that will make most men look twice.

If your body doesn’t have the right proportions, though, you’re shit out of luck. Sorry girl! (Also, LOL at “SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME.” It’s true. Caveman drawings are basically primitive renderings of King magazine).

If you’re skinny with a small ass, though, I would suggest taking Paul Carrick Brunson’s earlier advice and start dating white dudes. All white guys like skinny girls with no butts, right? Right. Definitely.

Madame Business Mogul
I cringe when I hear the infamous line “he was intimidated by me” because 90% of the time that line really translates to “he’s not interested in me because of some reason that I don’t know so I’m going to insert the word ‘intimidated’.” But if you’re in the business mogul category, the “intimidation” factor could be the truth. For the moguls out there, know that MOST guys are not daunted by an ambitious woman with a career path. However, men are very visual so you have to evaluate how you are presenting yourself, especially on a date. Be sure to change out of your power suit and opt for a dress instead. Also, put away your blackberry — show that you want to get to know him and that you’re in the moment and not monitoring email to see if that deal closed. At the end of the day, men want femininity and if you’re also a power player, consider it a bonus!

“Put on a dress.” Good advice. Someone get this guy a TV show.

The Homegirl
He calls you for advice on everything from where to take his girlfriend on vacation to professional decisions like should he take that job on the Hill in DC. You prefer jeans and a T over a mini-skirt and stilettos (like his other girls prefer). Sound familiar? Almost every guy has a Homegirl — a female confidante — someone with whom we share the closest of information but “just a friend.” If this is you and you’d like to upgrade your status with him, don’t fret, timing is everything. Some of the strongest relationships I know of started between friends. Don’t change your style, but perhaps enhance it. Instead of a boxy T, wear a fitted T to accentuate your curves. Take down your ponytail and let him see that you also have an alluring side! Most importantly, maintain a frequent emotional connection — several studies show repeated exposure to practically any stimulus makes us like it more. So, the more you interact with him, the more he’ll like you!

You know that scene in almost every teen movie where the ugly, artsy girl takes off her glasses and shakes out her ponytail and everyone is like, OMG WE HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU WERE SO HOT THIS IS SO WEIRD? Do that.

The take-away, basically, is that you just need to wear a dress and heels and look feminine and attractive, and someone will be attracted to you so quit worrying. Which is actually true. No matter who you are, there is someone out there who wants to see you naked (probably lots of someones, actually, because the universe is great in that way).

But Bunson is under the impression that women just want to be loved, and so all he has to do is say “Someone will love you!” and then suggest that you lower your standards when it comes to loving them back, because Getting Married is more important than finding someone you actually want to marry. Physical attraction is a male thing, and don’t worry, someone will find you attractive and then you can get all coupled with Mr. Fertilizer Breath.

Which, hey, if your #1 priority is marriage, then totally do all of this. And I actually do get the feeling that for some not-insignificant number of people, getting married is a pretty high priority, and so settling for Mr. or Ms. Good-Enough is a rational choice. God bless if that’s your thing. But, call me a hopeless romantic, I would actually prefer to really enjoy the person I am in a relationship with, and not in a “Well, he’s not attractive to me and he’s overly-dependent on his mother and he stinks, but I think he’ll take ok care of our kids on the weekends” kind of way.

I have probably been ruined by feminism.

Ten Men to Settle For

My pal Jamil sent me this article, saying “this has to be one of the worst (and funniest) relationship-advice things I’ve seen in a while.” And… yeah, it is. It’s a list of “10 Underrated Men and Why You Should Date Them,” and basically instructs women to quit being so picky and settle for dudes who you normally wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. Some of the suggestions are ok, I guess — like don’t disqualify a dude because he’s not tall or because he’s chubby. I agree that no one should be written off entirely because of their height or their weight, but if we’re talking about finding a mate then physical attraction is pretty important. Luckily, there are plenty of people who are attracted to short dudes and chubby dudes and whatever other kind of dude, so that’s cool. But instructing women across the board to forgo any physical preferences just so they can land a man is pretty insulting — and it assumes that sex and attraction aren’t all that important for women, because we’re all really just looking for a good provider. (It also assumes that it’s only natural for women to like tall thin dudes and that going for someone short or fat is settling, which is not the case).

And that’s the good advice.

Here are the other dudes that we should be dating:

No Flava Guys
I’m calling out my cousins as well as wife’s friends (sorry, ladies!) on this one…I always hear about a guy who’s been tossed aside because he doesn’t know why the bottom of your shoes are red, his suits aren’t bespoke, and he’s too nice. The “he’s a cornball” excuse can only last so long. Having ‘flava’ says NOTHING about what’s most important, the husband he will be and also the father he will be to your children…’flava’ is like sprinkles on a hot donut from Krispy Kreme…nice but not necessary.

Again with the advice that sounds good on paper, but in real life is actually kind of ridiculous. Partnership is about sharing values, to some extent. If you’re the kind of woman who rocks Louboutins with your Chanel, yeah, it probably isn’t totally out there to think that you’re going to want to date a dude who is well-dressed. Shallow? Sure. But so is attraction generally, right? And I’m admittedly one of those shallow bitches who does notice what men wear, and for whom ill-fitting Dad jeans are a total boner-killer. It’s not nice, but it’s a basic gut reaction. Will I totally reject a dude for wearing Dockers? Of course not. But when you’re meeting someone, you make an overall assessment, and how they’re dressed factors into that. That is life! Luckily, there are plenty of women who don’t give a flying fuck about what they wear so long as they aren’t going outside naked, but maybe it’s really important to them that when they make a reference to a science fiction video game, their dude (or lady) totally gets it. Different strokes!

Unemployed Guys
The state of our economy has forced a lot of great guys into involuntary unemployment. He may not have a job today, but tomorrow he may be the VP at a Fortune 500 company. If his values match your own and you can determine that he has strong drive and determination, see this guy through the tough times and better days will be ahead.

It’s true, times are tough and a lot of smart, driven people are unemployed right now. But I don’t think “find an unemployed guy, see him through these tough times and by tomorrow he’ll be the VP of a Fortune 500 company” is very good advice. That… is not how this works.

Cave Man Guys
Just because his fingernails are dirty and his breath smells like fertilizer doesn’t mean he’ll never figure out how to remove his cuticles or that flossing isn’t done exclusively in a drop-top. “Shopping” is one style of dating, but I prefer “investing.” Look at your possible mate from the inside out – perhaps the qualities that can’t be seen are worth much more than those that are visible. All beautifully cut diamonds started in the rough.

“Ladies, you should definitely date someone who is completely repulsive.” Dirty fingernails and breath that smells like fertilizer? Again, maybe I am a shallow whore, but if you have basic hygiene issues I am not going to want to spend a ton of time with you, and I am especially not going to want to get you in the sack (if you can’t brush your teeth, I don’t even want to think about what other areas you aren’t properly cleaning). I also don’t want to be someone’s mother — molding a “diamond in the rough” into an engagement ring by convincing it that it has to wash itself does not sound like a fun time to me.

And that’s the overarching problem with this advice: It assumes that the entire goal is “find someone to marry,” The End. Not, “find someone you actually want to marry,” just… find someone. Even if you find him physically repulsive, even if you have nothing in common and even if you have to be his mother and teach him the basics of living a hygienic life. Pretty sure that no one in their right mind would give this advice to straight men: “Just find a chick who you find totally unattractive, who you have little in common with, who you think always looks horrible, who needs you to support her financially, who is significantly older or younger than you and whose breath smells like fertilizer and then wife her immediately.”

Sounds like a good marriage, definitely. Good advice.

Arianna Huffington is a sex symbol

That’s the premise of this really really really sexist piece in AdWeek:

Arianna Huffington’s metamorphosis from start-up diva to media mogul is only the latest in a series of audacious transformations, all of which rest on a crucial, if overlooked, constant: she is a sex symbol.

Yes, you read that right. Sex symbol.

Legendarily coiffed, she’s as fond of girlish ruffles and racy black lace as she is of pantsuits—and is not above flaunting her yoga-toned limbs. All this at 60. But more interesting is the vintage of her wiles, which call to mind a courtesan’s techniques. Her allure resides in her effusiveness and intense focus. It’s present in her insatiable appetite for self-promotion—a hunger that includes lending her voice (and name) to a hot-to-trot cartoon bear on The Cleveland Show. Above all, it flows from her ability to make anyone feel fascinating.

These are the tricks of old media, best showcased over a long lunch. It’s notable, then, that it’s in the tech-driven world of new media—defined by its youth, its maleness, and its terminal lack of sexiness—that it achieves its most striking results.

Askmen.com describes her as “gloriously seductive.” She’s called herself “a regular cyberslut.” YouTube yields a smitten Time journalist asking whether she’d rather date Al Franken or Bill Maher. “This either or thing is so old media,” she coos at her interviewer, who giggles like a Belieber.

Arianna is notably anti-feminist, and hasn’t spent much time trying to help other women. But damn, Adweek, this is pretty unwarranted. How about profiling that sex symbol Michael Wolff?

Passover

seder plate

Today is the beginning of Passover, a Jewish holiday commemorating the Israelites’ freedom from slavery in Egypt. I’m not Jewish, but I’ll be having Passover Seder with feminist friends who have kindly included me and a bunch of other folks they have designated “Jews, almost-Jews, and People-I-Secretly-Think-of-as-Jews” (unclear if I’m in category B or C). I’m looking forward to it because hey, matzoh ball soup is the best and good friends are better, and the Seder organizer’s traditional Jewish prayer is the greatest (“They tried to kill us again. It didn’t work. Let’s eat.”).

There are some great feminist writings about Passover and the Haggadah; this one is a long-time favorite. What are you all doing this evening?

Great Things

Whiskey = GREAT.
Whiskey = GREAT.

So apparently my sentiment that “sex is great” is controversial, because folks have taken it to mean “EVERYONE MUST LOVE SEX ALL OF THE TIME NOT MATTER WHAT.” Which is a silly way to take it, but hey, this would not be a feminist blog if we didn’t have a huge argument in the comment section over a relatively benign statement, right? Right.

So today I give you a list of other things that I think are indisputably Great. Great:

Pears.
Antlers.
Bourbon.
Exposed brick.
Tin ceilings.
Spaghetti.
Sea urchin.
Seltzer (especially pamplemousse-rose-flavored Perrier from the one deli in my neighborhood that carries it).
Spicy red wine.
Puke yellow.
Red nail polish.
Red lipstick.
Edison bulbs.
Massages.
Tangerines.
Tiny mammals that are not rodents.
Beards.
Pie that involves fruit not cream.
Babies in bear outfits.
Hot peppers.
Isabel Marant bodysuits.
Antique stores.
Stretch denim.
Enormous gold jewelry.
Tacos made by people who actually know how to make tacos.
The fact that there is a taco renaissance happening in New York right now FINALLY.
Bacon.
Dogs.
This song.

Go ahead, prove me wrong.

Shameless Self-Promotion Sunday

Do your thing.

(Leave a comment with a short description of something you’ve written this week, along with a link. Make it specific; don’t just link your whole blog).

I’m tired of having sex.

No, I’m not actually (I’m a feminist and we don’t have sex, duh, except when we’re getting pregnant on purpose so that we can get abortions from Planned Parenthood), but according to the New York Times maybe I will be tired of sex soon, because I am a lady?

THIS is the story a friend told me: One night at a gathering at an apartment in New York City, a woman blithely announced, “I would pay someone to have sex with my husband.” There were snorts and yips of laughter. I believe one woman even clapped. “What did they mean?” I asked my friend. “ ‘Here’s to no sex with our husbands ever again?’ ‘Here’s to the end of sex?’ ”

She couldn’t really tell me. It wasn’t exactly a Bund rally she’d attended, but it was something. Even if these women weren’t planning to fob their own husbands off on helpful neighbors or prostitutes, they were in agreement that at a certain point in a long relationship, a woman might very well just want less of “that part” of her life (“that part” being the linguistic first cousin to “down there”). The biological imperative for sex had receded, and was now as distant as the memory of, say, once having gone to Epcot with one’s parents (you know you were there because of the snapshots of you and your family in lederhosen; just as, in the case of sex, you know you once prolifically and creatively partook, because you — or perhaps, horribly, your children — have unearthed from a drawer a tiny bottle of some dried gray substance called Love Pollen, older even than the Robitussin PE that haunts your medicine cabinet.) Suddenly, being touched by one’s husband or partner could seem so … last year.

No. Gladiator sandals are so last year (or so 2009, whatever). Sex is Lauren Bacall. Sex is a pencil skirt. Sex is fucking timeless and totally awesome, is my point. (But maybe I just think that because I have not yet found a husband who will serve the crucial role of convincing me that I never want to have sex ever again. Marriage, can’t wait!).

There are, of course, asexual people who have zero interest in sex. But that’s not what this article is talking about — it’s covering women who at some point did like sex, and now are tired of it. And that is not good! Because sex is really great, and is supposed to be a pleasure, and if it’s getting put on the backburner, that’s an issue. It’s one thing if we’re talking about fluctuations in sexual interest — that happens, obviously, to basically everyone. But this piece seems to suggest that women are just done with the whole sex thing (but of course that their husbands still want it, because men, right?). The middle of the piece gets into some ideas about the power of refusal, which is interesting enough, and some meditations on the unseemliness of powerful women not being sexual, which I think are off-base, but she concludes again with the We Are Disinterested in Sex thing:

Lately, when I hear people speak about lack of desire, I think they may really be speaking about energy. There are just so many seductions — Facebook! Wikipedia! Pornography! “Far From the Madding Crowd”! Love! Pepperidge Farm! Hulu! Curriculum Night! Art! — and we are human, and mortal, and inevitably we have to choose. Is this really the end of sex? Just when I think maybe it is, someone breaks out the Love Pollen, and what do you know, there’s still something in the bottle.

Except sometimes we’re interested in sex? I don’t know.

She also links to a New York Observer article which I nominate as Worst Trend Piece of the Year. The basic gist of it is that there are these super-hot cool kids all hanging out in New York, doing cocaine until 4am and not banging. Which is demonstrably false. I promise you, those kids are banging, and they are banging really often, and I’ll bet they look really good while they’re doing it. But linking to that article as if it contained any grain of truth? Credibility = shot.

Anyway, after the Observer link-bait was predictably linked everywhere, I guess the Times had to jump on board, but they had to focus their “people are bored of sex” article on 30-something white women so that they could place it in the Style section. Great. So we get another piece reaffirming the stereotype that once you wife a broad she stops putting out, and we get women talking about how they’re tired of sex without the author looking into why maybe 30-something women with children to care for and husbands who need to be cared for like children and jobs to work at and homes to keep Style-section perfect are maybe really tired and a little bit resentful in a way that unfortunately results in a total loss of any potential lady-boners.

Also maybe these ladies aren’t tired of sex, they’re just tired of sex with their husbands.

I don’t want to problematize lack of sexual interest entirely, because there are people who are genuinely not interested in sex at all, and that’s fine. To each their own, the world is a big and diverse and interesting place, etc. And I don’t think that the problem is 100% on women who once enjoyed sex and no longer do; there shouldn’t be any guilt or shame in that, because it just is. Those women definitely exist; men like that exist too. If you were once interested in sex but no longer are, it’s not particularly helpful to think that it’s Your Fault And You Are Wrong.

But… it’s still less than ideal, isn’t it, to just give up on sex? I am working here from the basic position that, for sexual people, sex is a good and fun thing (or at least it can be and should be). It’s kind of like food — food can be really really awesome, and as someone who really enjoys food, it breaks my heart a little bit whenever I meet people who are just like, “Food is fuel, I eat it to stay alive, I don’t take any pleasure in it and I wouldn’t eat if I didn’t have to” or people who are like, “I only eat things that are white.” That is so beyond my experience that I can’t fully understand it and I admittedly feel sorry for people who take that position. I feel the same way about uncritical reporting on loss of sexual interest. If sex was fun once, but now it’s not fun anymore and you don’t really crave it or think about it, what is going on that has taken such a fundamental, great pleasure and moved it into the category of “meh, don’t need it”?

Obviously we should trust people to organize their own priorities and enjoy what they enjoy and structure their lives as they see fit. But I think we can also cast a critical eye on trend stories like this one, which are based on maybe some nugget of truth that gets dressed up in Me And My Friends anecdotes and culturally-acceptable stereotypes, and also on cultural mores that see women’s lack of sexual interest as (1) inevitable, (2) individual and (3) not problematic for women, but a pain in the ass for men.

If I had a farm, I would bet it on the proposition that most women like sex (I would make that bet because sex is fun, and there are a lot of babies running around and I hear that’s how they’re typically made). So the article is wrong-headed from the get-go. But the reality, of course, is that while loss of sexual interest isn’t a trend, it is something that some women experience. And I would like it if women felt as entitled to sexual pleasure as men seem to, and didn’t feel that loss of sexual interest was a personal problem or an inevitable outcome of wedded bliss. My point, I guess, is: Sex is great. Sex is great. And I’m not sure there is some widespread phenomenon of women being bored of it, but if in fact there are a lot of us who are eating Pepperidge Farm cookies and trolling Wikipedia instead of boning, we should figure out why that is and do something about it. Because sex is great. It is greater than Wikipedia (and even greater than the greatest Wikipedia entry of all time — which apparently has now been removed, because all great things must come to an end, so maybe the Times author is right).

Sex, though. Still pretty fun (or so I hear).