With any luck, I’ll find myself in a steady relationship any day now, and this ad won’t be necessary — but it’s sort of funny, so let’s at least post it for now, and perhaps permanently if it proves popular enough:
Who needs online dating services? Eschewing the needlessly complicated dating sites, which I’m told offer an array of dating-candidates who are not Jill — potentially causing men to become confused and end up with the wrong woman — Feministe offers the one dating option that can bring true happiness: Jill. But first, you must read the rules below.
Ten Rules for Dating Jill:
1. Dudes who think that all chicks are overly-emotional irrational basket-cases are hot.
Do you often find yourself saying, “Why are chicks so irrational?”
Do you ever end an argument by saying, “Are you on your period?”
Do other peoples’ tears make you angry because you are unable to feel a full range of human emotion?
Do you believe that men tend to be more logical, or perhaps “from Mars,” while women tend to be more emotional and therefore “from Venus”?
Do “logical arguments,” as you define them, tend to correspond exactly to your personal belief system?
Do you find that if someone is wrong about a particular issue, it is easiest to simply shut down conversation by accusing them of being irrational or emotional?
Do you become angry and resentful when someone opts out of conversation with you?
Do you voice your disgust towards fat women, and then get annoyed when your girlfriend goes on a diet?
Do you voice your disgust towards fat women, and then make fun of your girlfriend for wondering if you think she’s fat?
Do you also voice your disgust towards women with eating disorders, and become annoyed if your girlfriend won’t eat a burger on command, but become more annoyed if it looks like she’s getting fat?
Do you sometimes write passive-aggressive lists on the internet about everything you hate in women?
Do you often find yourself using phrases such as “Sane chicks are hot,” “Women who blow me off are the epitome of all evil,” or “Why don’t women like nice guys”?
Do you think that rigid consistency even in the face of changed circumstances or information is the only sign of true intelligence? Or that it’s acceptable to express anger toward people who point out that you, yourself, have often said one thing yet done another? Do you believe that it’s acceptable to express anger at others when they recoil in horror at the terrible words and actions you have consciously chosen?
Are you currently on, or have you ever gone on, a narcissistic rant about how women are terrible in all of the following ways, so will the one who is not terrible please for the love of God date you already? (Or have you been urged by a medical professional to avoid such rants in the future, as you are prone to going on them, sometimes on C-SPAN?)
Do you think “emotional self-discipline” is a good way to convince yourself that your feelings are the only valid ones, because you refuse to acknowledge that they are, in fact, feelings, and you instead shroud them in the veneer of logical desires?
Do you get shit-throwing angry when your date is five minutes late, or says “I’ll call you” and does not actually call you immediately, or otherwise behaves as normal people with flexible plans may behave?
Do you like to think of yourself as a “logical and rational thinker” who is more intelligent than most people you meet, and definitely more intelligent than overly-emotional broads?
Do you like to berate all of womankind on the internet?
Do you let off steam by picking fights with all of womankind on the internet, or posting long lists of negative attributes that you clearly associate mostly with women?
Do you claim to hate people who lie in order to avoid conflicts, but then badger women into agreeing with you or going along with your plans, only to get angry when it turns out they weren’t 100% into it in the first place?
Do you think that a given statement must be true if you can make what you believe to be logical arguments about the underlying issue? (For instance, that evolution must not exist because there are still monkeys walking around, or that unadulterated capitalism is the way to go because Communism failed).
Do you consider yourself a “nice guy” and find yourself wondering why chicks always date jerks?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions, you may be a decent human being and probably shouldn’t date me (I’m sure many of you would hasten to add “I wouldn’t dream of it!” and that’s good — you’re being wise, for once). This is not to say that you are a bad person — you may even be better than average in many ways, or at least better than the average man — but you are not the sort of condescending, narcissistic, lacking-all-self-awareness He-Man Woman-Hater with whom another condescending, narcissistic, lacking-all-self-awareness He-Man Self-Hater like myself ought to spend a lot of time.
If you answered “yes” to all these questions, there may be hope of us getting along and even building a romantic relationship. But read on and learn the other nine Rules for Dating Jill.
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