Trigger warning: pregnancy-related health emergencies
I’m really, really sorry I dropped off the face of the earth. I didn’t mean to. At first it was just an unfortunate concatenation of events (somebody should organize an F/SF con called CONcatenation, don’t you think?)–the site went down for a few days, I went away to a conference, etc. This happened right around the time I hit the third trimester, and the third trimester of pregnancy was really kicking my ass: I was going to sleep at 8 or 9 in the evening, even after taking a two-hour nap in the afternoon (I know, tough life, your hearts go out to me). I was starting to re-organize my routine and had hopes of getting on top of shit when this week just blew the legs out from under me.
On Monday, I experienced a very frightening placental abruption–it was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever gone through, there was so much blood. I had to go straight to the hospital, and while I and the baby are all right and eventually the bleeding subsided, they’re keeping me here until I deliver the baby. We’re hoping I make it to early June, which will be 37 weeks, so that the baby will be full-term. That’s not so far away, after all, so I have hopes that there will be no further incident. You’d think that being here would give me all the time in the world to catch up on stuff, but what I’m finding is that I’m so emotionally exhausted and changeable day by day (one day I’m fine and perky; the next I’m literally shaking as I think about how frightening Monday was; then I’m fine again; then I’m weeping and homesick) that I just can’t focus well enough even to read the news and essays I need to read to write a decent post, let alone write one. So I’m capitulating. I will try to start posting again in mid-July or so, provided all goes well (knock wood).
I am grateful for any number of things–there’s sheer luck: I wasn’t taking care of my godchildren when the bleeding started, so I could get directly into a cab without having to worry about childcare; it was 11 in the morning, so there was literally no traffic. I have an amazing doctor who’s affiliated with an excellent hospital, so I am very grateful to be here, and I’m very grateful that they’re keeping me here, because I’m in Brooklyn and the hospital is quite far away, and of course the fear about going home would be what if it happens again and I can’t get there in time? The person I was with when it started and the taxi driver who came to pick me up were both wonderful. And of course, I am in a good position vis-a-vis insurance, which is a sick and barbaric feature of this country that anybody should have to think about it during an emergency, but there it is, we do, and I didn’t have to think about it–I could just go straight to the hospital. I have family and friends coming to see me every day.
People talk about how bored I must be in the hospital for weeks, but I am welcoming the boredom: it is infinitely preferable to the fear.
Another thing I’m grateful for is that I was rejected by the Brooklyn Birthing Center. I volunteered at a birthing center about fifteen years ago, and have always been intrigued by feminist ideas of “reclaiming” childbirth. When I found out I was pregnant, I called the Brooklyn Birthing Center, told them a little about the pregnancy, my age, and the medications I was on and asked if they would take me on, and they said, with barely a pause “Absolutely not.” I was irritated at the time, but clearly they were taking my health much more seriously than I was, and because they stuck to the straight and narrow in their protocols, I’m at a world-class hospital with a doctor I know and like and have a good relationship with. I kind of want to send them a thank-you note. My best friend says this is why she doesn’t trust birthing centers; I said it makes me trust that one even more, because they knew to say no to me. Just an anecdote.
Anyway, I’m sorry for my absence, I miss the convos here very much. I hope to see you all again, so to speak, in a couple months.