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I’m Going to Throw The F Up

Lauren

I have been tending to the pond lately, and recently added a lily pad to the pond to grow over the summer. If you don’t know this yet, this is a big deal for me. I’m highly disgusted by even the thought of fish, and have finally gotten used to the idea of having fish within ten yards of my house. Putting the lily pad in the pond requires that I put my arm in that dirty fish water all the way up to my elbow. Blugh.

My mother, Ethan and I were tooling around the garden this morning when I decided to check out the pond. The filter, which I have been fighting with all spring, wasn’t pumping water at the volume it is set to pump, so I leaned over the edge to see what was wrong.

The filter was clogged up with what looked like a large, fine piece of black and white lace.


I stupidly reached in the pluck it off of the filter when I realized I was touching EGGS! EGGS!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE WERE EGGS IN THE FUCKING POND AND I WAS TOUCHING THEM!

Mom and Ethan thought it was hilarious to see me dance, hop, squeal, and gag all over the backyard, but it’s not fucking funny. I’m going to think about those stupid fish, frog, or whatever eggs all goddamned day.

I may very well throw up.

16 thoughts on I’m Going to Throw The F Up

  1. I’d probably have that same reaction with spiders.

    If it makes you feel any better, I accidentally mowed over a garter snake today and got got snake chunks whipped at my shoes. I felt a little funny after that.

  2. Those were almost certainly frog eggs. Fish eggs tend to be yolky and dense, and lack the transparent jelly coat that you find on frog eggs.

    You ought to have your kid put them in a big jar with an open top, and change the water every few days. He should have tadpoles within a few weeks. He can feed the tadpoles a little dab of baby food (strained peas are perfect) every day until he has a great big jar of frogs, and then he can turn them loose to snarf down those annoying summer insects and lay many, many more eggs in your pond.

    Hey, Heliologue, go looking for some of those small jumping spiders. When I was a kid, I used to get these spiders that would carry around an egg case on their back — when they hatched out, you’d get a swarm of hundreds of very tiny baby spiders that would scurry away madly to disperse.

  3. Dr. Myers, there is no goddamned way that’s going to happen in my house. That thought gives me the willies. Understatement.

  4. Oh, man, I am -so- sorry, Lauren! Just to make you feel better, I’ll share my irrational fear of the gross with you: I have toilet-water and toilet-accessory fear. Toilet tanks hold no horror for me, but an overflowing toilet? I run and scream, totally kibbying out. Approach me wielding a toilet brush or plunger? I collapse in a worthless pile of mewling jelly. No, I can’t explain it — I have been exposed to all -kinds- of unsanitary substances in my life as a mom and a tomboy-kid in rural NH, and as the owner of a dog who is only 60% pottytrained even through TWO YEARS of constant training, but it’s only the toilet-fear that gets me.

    Just the other day, my family came home after a long day of running errands, to a kitchen with a leak in the ceiling and a huge puddle of water on the floor. My husband immediately assumed it was a broken pipe, I assumed it was a flooded tub or sink. As I stood in the puddle with my shoes on, with my wet-pawed dog jumping all over my legs, I made the phone call upstairs to see what was up. I started off towards the living room as the phone rang, and I neared the couch, I watched Pogo-dog jump with his wet paws all over my bed in the room beyond.

    My tenant/friend picks up the phone. “Hey, Ran, you guys have a plumbing mishap today?”

    “Oh, how did you know?”

    “The huge puddle in my kitchen clued me in.”

    “Oh NO! I had no idea that it leaked through to your kitchen, I’m so sorry! My toilet overflowed and…” any further thing she said was cut off by me uttering a long, shrill, bloodcurdling scream, followed by my husband going, “Oh, CRAP, has it spread to the living room? Don’t tell me I have to call a contractor!”

    “N-n-oooo…it’s t-t-t-tooilett waaaateeerrrrr!!” *wails, runs off to the bathroom, scrubs frantically*

    Touching frog eggs, raising tadpoles? Fun! vermicomposting with Red Wiggler worms to break down my food garbage? Neat! Toilet brush? AAAIIEEEE!!! Yeah, I have issues.

  5. Oh the wimpy wonder! I think PZ has a great idea. It could be fun to let E participate in this process. He could keep the jar on the back deck. He wouldn’t technically have to bring it in the house and he could see the wonders of nature up close and personal! Because of your willies (or despite them/ to spite you) he’ll probably become a marine biologist! You’ll have to meet Lisa she has the same damn fear, LOL!!!

  6. Dr. B., the question is who is going to gather the eggs. Ethan can’t and I sure as hell won’t.

    Does Lisa seriously have a fear of fish? I thought I was the only one!

  10. Your post didn’t scare me. I WILL put a koi pond in my backyard at my house when my husband and I move to Hawaii in a few years. Even you jumping around squealing “eggs!!!” won’t talk me out of it.

  11. No Lauren, you’re not the only one. My SIL won’t even let us order fish in a restaurant if she’s there.

    My thing is big bugs – anything larger than about an inch and a half completely freaks me out. Except for taratulas for some reason. I think it must be the fur, but taratulas are cute.

  14. Uh, no, you are not the only one afraid of fish.

    When I was 17, my family took a trip to HI and we went snorkeling in (I’m going to spell this wrong) Panoma Bay (where Elvis filmed some of Blue Hawaii). I don’t know why I agreed to it considering my inability to go in the aquarium parts of pet stores but I did. Everytime I saw a fish, I screamed and grabbed on to my mom/sister/dad, almost drowning them in my mad dash to get away from the fish. Most of the time, I was way bigger than the fish. Now I have learned that me and snorkeling don’t get along.

  15. She has fears of all water dwelling stuff, but only when it’s alive. I’m pretty damn sure she would have thrown the f up if she touched the eggs!

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