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The Wedding, culture, and my Indian identity

It’s really difficult for me to write these days. I’ve just come back from a 3 day wedding – a wedding filled with firsts: my first Indian wedding (this was a North Indian wedding), the first family wedding I’ve attended (my cousin), and the first event where I have had to be around family, fully decked out in North Indian clothes and seen as an adult.

A lot of life is about performance, I’ve come to realize. It’s all about those little details that keep family from getting caught in arguments – what I refer to as “family politics” – a fake laugh, keeping your mouth shut when your elders tell you that you’ve gained weight, learning not to distinguish “art college” from “liberal arts college” when they attempt to belittle your choice in pursuing the humanities. At a certain point, whether I intend to or not, I find my eyes move slightly down, my walk becomes a little slower and my voice is heard considerably less when I’m at family events (hereby referred to as “functions”). These things all come down to the gender roles that have been assigned to me through a variety of things – little comments that were made to me as a child by extended family, the media. And the particularities of these gender roles are dictated by my family’s culture.

I have a long history with resisting culture. I was sitting at the henna-ceremony, looking around at the one of 40 women that had attended the event who was around my age. The first was 23. And married. Her hair was perfectly straight and her outfit was perfectly tailored and her husband was an attractive and wealthy South Asian man. She looked like an Indian Barbie doll. She looked domesticated and manicured and feminine – and to be honest, it doesn’t matter whether she is reading Sister Outsider under her covers with a flashlight while her husband is asleep or not. What matters is her performance – her ability to fit a model that is dictated by a culture that I cannot relate to.

My claim is this: I don’t know if I ever will feel connected to my identity as an Indian-American because of culture. Culture is not the thing that dictates my struggle for social justice. The reality is, the aspects of “Indianness” that make me feel like an Indian-American is the solidarity I share with other Indian-Americans regarding racism, sexism and homophobia in and outside of the community. It is often a shared experience my family has with other South Asian families that immigrate to the United States. It is the brown color of my skin that I have grown to love that helps me to identify as Indian-American. It is my parents. My grandparents. My aunt.

There is more to say, but it will have to wait.

Cross-posted at Woman of (An)other Color


26 thoughts on The Wedding, culture, and my Indian identity

  1. Go to the library and find Erving Goffman’s The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. Alternately, Wikipedia has a pretty good summary–search for “dramaturgy sociology”. This is exactly what he talks about.

  2. Ah yes, the mirror self.

    Culture is not the thing that dictates my struggle for social justice. The reality is, the aspects of “Indianness” that make me feel like an Indian-American is the solidarity I share with other Indian-Americans regarding racism, sexism and homophobia in and outside of the community.

    You and me both.

  3. Goffman is awesome. Go Erving Go!

    You could also check out Ethnic Groups and Boundaries, edited by Fredrick Barth (if you haven’t already?). The introduction to the book is critical to so much of how anthro people understand how groups relate to one another. More or less, he says identity isn’t a checklist of things you do or don’t do. (North Indians do this and this and this…). Instead, we form our identities through our relationships across group boundaries. (North Indians are North Indians relative to their neighbors).

    This idea also helped anthro types start to think about culture in general not as a checklist of customs and ideas and things you adhere to or believe in. It’s more like, you are Indian (or whatever) because you know what the cultural conversations are, and are able to participate in them.

    I guess the example of the henna ceremony you give here would be, you’re Indian American because you know what the expectations of Indian women are, and what the range of feelings are that people have about those expectations.

    blah blah blah blah… okay, I’m done… can you tell I totally loved reading this post? So much to think about! And you are probably an Anthropology major and I told you something you already know.

  4. At a certain point, whether I intend to or not, I find my eyes move slightly down, my walk becomes a little slower and my voice is heard considerably less when I’m at family events (hereby referred to as “functions”). These things all come down to the gender roles that have been assigned to me through a variety of things – little comments that were made to me as a child by extended family, the media.

    Ugh, thank you. I always feel like this around my family. I just got back from a wedding myself and even though it’s a totally different culture (white, mainstream American, and Southern), I just felt like I had a big weight on my shoulders the whole time, because of how I was expected to act as a woman (and a proper bridesmaid). Increasingly, I find that the only thing I can really talk about with my family is the weather.

  5. I was struck by this:

    to be honest, it doesn’t matter whether she is reading Sister Outsider under her covers with a flashlight while her husband is asleep or not. What matters is her performance – her ability to fit a model that is dictated by a culture that I cannot relate to.

    I wonder if it’s possible to be subversive within the model expectations–or if the role you play eventually becomes you.

  6. I totally get what you mean about your behaviour and mannerisms changing in settings like this. I’m Nigerian-American, and often find the gender roles I’m expected to play in social situation suffocating.

  7. and to be honest, it doesn’t matter whether she is reading Sister Outsider under her covers with a flashlight while her husband is asleep or not. What matters is her performance – her ability to fit a model that is dictated by a culture that I cannot relate to.

    That’s somewhat unfair considering you preceded it with…

    At a certain point, whether I intend to or not, I find my eyes move slightly down, my walk becomes a little slower and my voice is heard considerably less

    It’s seems as though there is something to which you can relate.

  8. Increasingly, I find that the only thing I can really talk about with my family is the weather.

    Glad to know I’m not the only one. My grandfather recently informed me that he believes prisoners should be subjected to cruel and unusual punishment. My response was “Holy shit.” And, of course, he considers me the bad American.

  9. I remember a conversation a while ago where we came to the conclusions that there is no ‘ungendered’ response; everyone is either coded as masculine or feminine, and the trouble with the feminist slogan “Treat women like people!” is that most people don’t really know what it means (e.g. it ends up turning into “treat women like men” for even well-meaning allies).

    In any case, it’s easy to generalize this to identifying with a race or culture: there’s no default to go to when you leave one, besides a vague and uninclusive concept of “white”.

  10. I feel like that, too. I’m Chinese-American and hate family functions for the same reason you do. Every time I’m there, I feel my will and confidence dropping, and that’s why I moved halfway across the country from them. My parents came to the States in 1969, but do not like being referred to as immigrants, Chinese, or old-fashioned. They claimed to be modern, but have tried to raise me in the States as if we were back in the old country.
    My relatives have been emotionally abusive and repeatedly violated my personal space, but I have been shot down whenever I tried to stand up for myself, because people who are older are always right. It gives them entitlement to insult and belittle me, and that’s one of the things I’ve hated about my culture. They also never admit they’re wrong and own up to what they do, and I’ve always felt like a scapegoat in my family. That has been the biggest factor in my feeling alienated by my heritage.
    I identify as Chinese-American because of my appearance and the background I grew up in and what my parents had to put up with when they came to this country, but there is a reason why I have put myself in exile.

  11. I just want to say that I devoured this post, and I want to know more. Mostly because I can relate to the feelings-even if I am white. The pressures to conform to society’s “idea” of femininity are tremendous.

  12. I agree. Unfortunately, most men don’t treat each other as complete human beings equal to themselves. So when “treat women like people” becomes “treating women like men” it is just trading one (incomplete) box for another.

  13. My relatives have been emotionally abusive and repeatedly violated my personal space, but I have been shot down whenever I tried to stand up for myself, because people who are older are always right. It gives them entitlement to insult and belittle me, and that’s one of the things I’ve hated about my culture. They also never admit they’re wrong and own up to what they do, and I’ve always felt like a scapegoat in my family.

    Janet,

    Sounds like some of my relatives from mom’s side of the family. I’ve also been belittled and insulted for various reasons which culminated in my yelling at an aunt for badgering me to study pre-med when I had no interest in becoming a medical doctor. What made this badgering worse was that she and her husband would make insulting generalizations about people in the humanities as “being impractical” and incapable of getting along in the “real world”.

    Fortunately, I’ve observed Chinese/East Asian families who span the spectrum ranging from severe contempt for their younger generation to complete mutual-respect. Even within mom’s side of the family, I’ve seen individuals ranging from the aunts/uncles who display condenscending atttitudes towards me and other younger relations to those who are open-minded and willing to respect you on your own merits.

    Thus, I am wary of placing complete blame on the “Chinese culture” as that essentialization has been used by dominant Western (Read: White) media and discourse to marginalize and stereotype Chinese and non-Western societies as the “inferior other”. I’ve seen some of its pernicious effects in fellow Asian-Americans who forsake so much about their Asian roots to the point that they become co-opted to perpetuate these stereotypes about “Western superiority” in order to gain acceptance in the dominant culture.

    As a Chinese-American, I try to learn from and incorporate the best both cultures have to offer.

  14. My parents are masters at making me feel like I’m worthless while insisting they aren’t sexist. For example their last visit my father was telling my daughter (age 3) that she can grow up to be anything… yet in the same trip they were telling me about how the man should be the head of the household. I guess my daughter can grow up to be anything as long as she obeys her hubby. It still makes me angry.

  15. Very well written. I also had my first Indian wedding and it was my first cousin’s and it was the first time I was considered an adult just this past summer. My problem is (and I’m not proud of this quality) that I become very awkward and disobedient in those situations. Since I was mostly left to myself at the henna ceremony since I couldn’t relate to the girls who were only a few years older than me and desperately seeking husbands at the 3 day event, I ended up writing FUCK THE PATRIARCHY on my hand during the henna ceremony.

    Later, when my mom caught me waving at a group of boys who told me to start acting like a girl, the FUCK became some kind of weird floral pattern. Oh well.

  16. I’ve always felt like a scapegoat in my family

    Do you have male siblings who weren’t scapegoated?

    Exholt, are you male or female? It can make a slight difference in your response to Janet and this thread.

  17. I’ve talked about these issues once in a while when they come up and it upsets, scares and freaks out and white men and women. It’s won me no friends and, in fact, alienated white people.

  18. Exholt, are you male or female? It can make a slight difference in your response to Janet and this thread.

    Donna Darko,

    While my being male may have something to do with my reaction, I think a larger part of my reaction has to do with having to deal with anti-Asian stereotyping from growing up to the present. While growing up in a working class ethnically mixed neighborhood in NYC, I also went through a period where I felt so ashamed due to incessent racist bullying that I wanted to forsake the Chinese side of my cultural identity. Fortunately, my elementary school teachers and a social worker helped me through to the point of encouraging me to embrace both my Chinese and my American cultural identities.

    As I matured and got to know more Chinese and East Asian students and their families in high school and college, I was disturbed at how extensive anti-Asian/Asian-American stereotyping was among Asian-American classmates. Male or female, many openly stated they wanted to become “American” (Read: White) and expressed contempt for their family’s culture. Part of my reaction to Janet’s post was from the fact the tone of that post eerily mirrored that of many of my Asian-American classmates, regardless of their gender.

    Though I was alienated from my family’s culture as a young child, my way of dealing with this conflict of identity between being Chinese and American was to attempt to learn as much as I could about both cultures. Part of that process was to meet and interact with many Chinese/Asian-American families both in the US and in China/Taiwan. While still a neophyte in this process, I learned one usually cannot attribute behavioral traits to a given culture, especially when they are present in many other cultures in different guises. The American culture is no exception in this regard.

  19. I think it’s easier for Asian American men to take the path of least resistance with their families because it’s a system that benefits them. Men shouldn’t tell Asian American women not to talk about their painful experiences in their families whether it’s in front of Asians only or a general mainstream audience.

    It’s really funny. I’ve been on feminist blogs for a year and a half now and no one knows why I’m so incredibly feminist. There are more posts about woc these days which presents more opportunities to speak about our experiences. I don’t think anyone’s reading this thread any more but the only person in the feminist or progressive blogosphere I’ve told about my family experiences is a white feminist blogger who doesn’t read blogs any more. I emailed Bitch|Lab back and forth last Christmas about how I was feeling similar to the subject of the post. Two weeks with my entire family had me panicked and in extreme despair.

    I’m incredibly feminist because of my horrifically oppressive Chinese American family similar to Janet’s experience. Now everyone should know this about me because the topic never came up in the blogosphere or even in communities of color. Increasing posts and topics about women of color offer opportunities to speak out. Asian American communities should offer these opportunities but communities of color are as sexist as feminist communities are racist. Women of color should speak out about their experiences to raise awareness.

  20. If women of color can’t speak about their experiences in communities of color or within the feminist movement, where do you recommend women speak out about their issues?

    Do you think women of color speaking up about their issues in communities of color helps communities of color become more inclusive? Do you think women of color speaking up about their issues in feminist communities helps feminism become more inclusive? If neither communities of color nor feminism cares about women of color, what do you suggest women of color should do?

    Any ideas?

  21. Donna Darko,

    I am not sure whether the sense you are feeling silenced is coming from my comments or from other Asian/Asian Americans you have encountered or from my own comments.

    All I was stating was that one needs to be careful of placing total blame on the “Chinese” or “Asian” heritage when the causes are a complex confluence of patriarchical and elitist assumptions from a given Chinese/East Asian immigrant families finding traction in their American analogues, however different in degree or kind they may be. In speaking out abour one’s negative experience with one’s familial culture, it should be done in such a way that it does not inadvertantly aid “American”/Western racists who cite various “Oriental Despotisms” to further justifying the dominant culture’s tendency to marginalize Asian and other non-western cultures. This is especially when the same racists are often just as misogynistic and elitist, albeit in different guises. Didn’t know about the pervasiveness and severity of it until several female Asian-American classmates mentioned it in an East Asian Historiography class discussion on race and gender.

    If women of color can’t speak about their experiences in communities of color or within the feminist movement, where do you recommend women speak out about their issues?

    Several of the previously mentioned classmates were deeply involved in speaking out about Asian-American issues and being WOC at their undergrad and grad institutions. Most of the issues that are discussed in this posting and comments were discussed in many Asian-American organizations both at my undergraduate institution and at the school where I took the grad historiography course.

    Unfortunately, I found many within the Asian-American club at my undergrad were too content to frame the discussion of Asian cultural patriarchy and elitism as that of an “Oriental Despotism” which needed to be fixed by an “enlightened West” (Read: White). Fortunately, the Asian-American community at my grad institution are cognizant of the dangers of framing such complex problems in an oversimplistic essentializing manner.

  22. exholt,

    Again, I think this because it’s easier as a male to take the path of least resistance because a particular system benefits you. If you put as much energy as you did in your comments here trying to silence women of color about their experiences, maybe we wouldn’t have to speak up about them.

    At your university, did you spend as much time trying to combat the forces that oppress Asian women in their families or communities as you did trying to silence them? Again, if more Asian American men fought alongside their sisters, there would be less of a needd to “frame the discussion of Asian cultural patriarchy as that of an Oriental Despotism that needs to be fixed by an enlightened West.”

    You shouldn’t try to silence two women on a feminist site. After all, feminism is for all women not just white.

    Spend some time combatting sexism in Asian American communities and culture and Asian American men won’t feel the need to silence women of color who “frame the discussion of Asian cultural patriarchy as that of an Oriental Despotism that needs to be fixed by an enlightened West.”

    It’s similar to what One Brown Woman said in her third post here:

    Sometimes my posts, my discussion of race&gender, my specifications of women of color, alienate some white people and make them uncomfortable and guilty and defensive. I have encountered this while blogging, in classrooms, and in public. I’m beginning to believe more and more that this is about doing my work. My work right now is to talk about these things because it keeps me sane. Because there are people who leave me wonderful comments that say “I totally feel that way”.

  23. What you can do is encourage Asian American women to talk about their experiences of sexism within the community and encourage other Asian American men to be feminists. After all, it’s an issue that should be discussed within the community. The reality is, communities of color do not care about women’s issues. What you can do is make sure fellow Asian American men listen to Asian American women when they try to silence them within the Asian American community. It’s worse than discusssing racism in feminism. At least white feminists allow the discussions of racism within feminism. Look at this blog. Or the discussions that have gone on in the feminist blogosphere for over a year. All the big feminist bloggers are now cognizant of the extent of the problem. It’s your responsibility as an Asian American male to make Asian American spaces safe for Asian American feminists because ending sexism is mens’ responsibility the same way it’s ultimately whites’ responsibility to end racism.

  24. donna darko,

    NOTE: There seems to be a problem with the quote tags so I will use quotation marks to indicate my quoting from your post.

    Just on the offchance that you are viewing this page, here’s my reply to your comments.

    Keep in mind I had almost no contact with other Asians/AAs outside of my immediate family and a few relatives until I was in high school as I was raised in a White-Latino dominated working class neighborhood in NY. From the time was born until then, I was often one of the few Asians in an entire school. The only thing that allowed me to retain my Chinese side of my identity was a group of helpful teachers and my parents’ insistence on speaking mandarin at home. Until high school, I did not encounter anything resembling an AA community. When I did in high school, with few exceptions, I was turned off by their anti-Asian stereotyping, contempt for Asian culture, and a desire for complete assimilation into the dominant culture.

    Again, I think this because it’s easier as a male to take the path of least resistance because a particular system benefits you.

    I concede the first point. However, I do not believe it is silencing when points out a statement that treads dangerously close to essentializing a non-western culture, especially when it results in reinforcing racial stereotypes the dominant culture already has of Asians/Asian-Americans.

    In the historiography class discussion on race and gender, several female Asian-American classmates brought up and facilitated the discussion of patriarchical and elitist assumptions present within their own families and the East Asian societies we were studying. During this discussion, each AA woman recounted her experiences. Though most of those accounts reflected abusive and demeaning treatment as a result of those assumptions, they all emphasized that those two assumptions should never be the defining indicative characteristics of Asian/Asian-American culture and its people.

    When one non-Asian classmate asked why two AA female classmates in particular felt the need to emphasize this point, they both related how relating their accounts of patriarchy and elitist assumptions in and out of classes often caused white and other non-AA students to form racist stereotypes of Asian/AA culture as backward and retrograde compared to the “enlightened west”. They were horrified by this not only because those stereotypes were demeaning to the whole AA community and themselves, but it also caused increased problems with white asiaphiles who wanted to “rescue” and “protect” them. Due to this, they worked with the AA campus organization to do a series of combined public workshops to discuss sexism within the AA community and anti-AA stereotyping from both AA and non-Asians on campus. They are attempting to continuing this at their graduate institution.

    As they were relating their accounts, they also mentioned that anti-AA stereotyping from fellow AAs was one of their biggest pet peeves as it made fighting anti-AA racism much harder for all other AAs. When they asked other classmates to relate the worst incidence of anti-AA stereotyping from a fellow AA, I mentioned a Chinese-American male college classmate who constantly equated anything Chinese/Asian as “savage” and “uncivilized” and went so far as to publicly use well-known anti-Asian slurs. It became so bad that I went bats^&t on him for his anti-AA attitudes and pointedly resolved to avoid his company. At the end of class, I personally thanked the two classmates for raising my awareness of issues I was not aware of and showing me an example of AA solidarity I found completely lacking at my undergraduate campus.

    “At your university, did you spend as much time trying to combat the forces that oppress Asian women in their families or communities as you did trying to silence them?”

    I would have if the AA organization on my campus was not beset by acrimonious infighting due to personality conflicts within the leadership and a long history of only desiring to represent upper-class suburban AA students who were totally assimilated into American society. As I was a working-class urban AA attending a private college on a nearly full scholarship, they showed nothing but complete disdain for my presence. While they tried to conceal it, upper-class snobbery was written all over them. This coupled with the fact I had some proficency in mandarin and my interest in studying Chinese history made me an effective persona non grata to them. In short, most of the AA at my undergrad campus rejected me based on my social-status and my interest in learning more about one part of my Chinese-American identity. As a result of this experience, I became largely alienated with the AA community on campus.

    Along with other AAs with similar background and interests, we ended up associating more with Asians who were international students and other Americans. This was especially natural as my dorm happened to be the central meeting place for our group. Interestingly enough, while the AA organization on my undergrad campus continued its unproductive internal bickering and snobbish elitism, the international Asian students and AA students such as myself ended up doing far more to raise awareness of AA issues.

    More importantly, since we had students who were actually from Asian societies such as India, Korea, Japan, and both Chinas (ROC and PRC), they were able to add to the level of current cultural authenticity. Thus, debunking many orientalizing stereotypes of Asian cultures as being definitively defined as “savage” “uncivilized” holdouts of patriarchy and elitism that were unfortunately held by many American students, including many of those in the AA campus organization. In the numerous close late-night discussions in my dorm’s lounge, most international Asian/working class AA women in our group gave accounts of relatively benign childhoods. While they had disagreements with their families due to patriarchical and elitist assumptions, most of their parents were reasonable enough to reconsider those assumptions after a long frank discussion. The three AA women in our group whose families were abusive and demeaning were counseled by fellow group members and counselors from the campus multi-cultural resource center. Last I knew, they all moved away from their families while remaining close by in their respective AA communities. As they saw many examples of international Asian/AA male students in our group who were not the domineering oppressors as their fathers were, however, none of them felt the need to repudiate their heritage. Instead, with the help of the Taiwanese and Korean feminists in our group, they managed to reinterpret and appropriate their heritage to fight the patriarchy and elitism within their own communities.

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