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More Choices for Pregnant Women

The New York Times has a beautiful article about perinatal hospice programs, where parents of newborns who are fated to die (or who are stillborn) can give birth, get support and hopefully find some peace. Read the whole thing, but be forewarned that it’s heartbreaking.

The fact that these programs exist as one choice for women facing troubled pregnancies is wonderful, and that at least some of the programs have avoided becoming politicized is incredibly important. Carrying a pregnancy to term when you know that your baby will die within minutes or hours or days — if it is born alive at all — is not easy. Terminated a wanted, but doomed, pregnancy is not easy. That women have a wider variety of choices is inarguably a good thing.


11 thoughts on More Choices for Pregnant Women

  1. I thought it was an amazing article. I know I have talked quite a bit about my son here, but it really brought back a lot of memories. The quote where the mom said knowing that her child had no chance made it a little easy really hit home for me- when my husband and I were told that our son had no chance of survival, we were no longer put in the position of deciding “life of intense, debilitating pain” vs. termination at 22 weeks, something we were extremely uncomfortable with. We knew that our child would never have any more than a few minutes, we were told an hour at most, so the choice really became when and how he would pass away. We did discuss termination in great detail, actually, but in the end we came to the realization that I was further along in the pregnancy than we felt comfortable terminating. Had the choice been deciding on a life of pain and surgery and an eventual early death, I believe we would’ve decided to terminate, but it would’ve been a much more difficult decision than the decision to induce when we did. My doctor did a fantastic job of keeping an eye on me and my son, because a pretty substantial risk of renal agensis is fetal death and the release of dangerous toxins into the mother’s system. She never treated our decision as a hassle and when labor was induced early, she was at the hospital all weekend with me and stayed by my side once my contractions started until Kyle was born. The nurses were fantastic, from their putting a leaf on our door to make sure anyone coming in knew that our child was not going to make it, kept me far away from the room where another mom was giving birth, being available whenever we had a question and walking us through exactly what to expect when he was born. When Kyle was born, my first question was “Is he alive?” and I was told that he was, and that they were going to dress him (this was a request of mine, his entire abdominal cavity was open and it wasn’t the memory I wanted ofhim) and then they handed me the tiniest baby I’ve ever seen (he was 1pound, 7 ounces), took pictures of me holding him and left the room so that my husband and I could spend time alone with him. Kyle passed away in my arms about 27 minutes after he was born, very peacefully and quietly. I have pictures of myself holding him, the outfit he was wearing, pictures of him holding a ring that I have on a necklace, a plaster cast of his footprints, an ink print of his footprints, his hospital bracelet, my hospital bracelet, the hat he wore and the blankets he was wrapped in. We had him baptized shortly before we gave him back to the nurses in an amazingly touching and private ceremony, which are all memories I’ll have until I die and memories I can’t imagine being without. It’s definately a good thing when women have a variety of choices and are able to do what is right for them and their families.

  2. My heart goes out to you. I have done some pediatric hospice work,(although mainly with adults) and the only thing that got me through it was the amazing courage of the families. They were some of the bravest people I ever met.

  3. Julie, I’m so sorry for you loss. I’m glad you were able to spend that precious time with your son before he passed. I am happy to hear about these hospice births.

    I know that for so many women faced with the inevitable death of their child, delivering in a hospital full of happy women and crying babies is just too much.

    I’m so glad that families going through such loss will now have another option.

  4. That was a powerful article. Such a positive move forward for women to have this.

    My mother lost her first baby a little over 40 years ago. She was only a couple days old. She was kept in the nursery until she died. My mother had to remain in the maternity ward in a room with a mother of a healthy newborn for days (they kept all postpartum in longer in those days… maybe 7 days). The funeral was held while she was still in the hospital. When she returned home, all the baby things she had gathered were boxed and put away by well-meaning relatives. Then, no one spoke of the baby. All of these things were done in a misguided attempt to lessen the pain, but in fact made things much worse and robbed both my parents of the grief process.

    These hospice programs are amazing. Those couples were amazing. Such dignity and grace.

  5. My mother has worked for a hospice for over 20 years as a pharmacist (she specializes in pain management) and they have families like these that she’s told me about. It’s heartbreaking yes but I admire so much the hospice philosophy of providing families a way for their loved ones to die the way they would like–and I think that’s even more true when it’s children who die soon after birth. I am glad there are more programs like my mom’s hospice has out there.

  6. I read the article yesterday and wept. And I just read Julie’s comment and wept all over again. My heart go out to you, Julie. My sister went through a similar birth and death about ten years ago, and while I can’t imagine firsthand the sort of agony mothers endure in such times, I have a pretty good idea of it. Fortunately, my sister and her infant were cared for in a similar way as you were, and the nurses were amazing. Thank goodness for these enlightened programs that recognize a mother’s right–and need–to love, celebrate, and grieve a baby that could not live.

  7. It is so wonderful that there are places like this out there. I hope the impact of this article will be parents realizing that this option exists and spurring more places like this. My fear is that it will be used as a political tool, all at the expense of parents trying to do what they feel is the right choice for their family.

  8. Wow, thanks Jill for sharing that amazing article. And Julie, thanks so much for sharing your story as well. I’m so glad that pregnant women today have so many different choices that allow them to truly do what they feel is right for themselves and their families.
    Hospice in general is just an amazing program with a wonderful philosophy. My family recently lost my grandfather, and we were so, so grateful to the hospice workers who made it a meaningful and family-centered process for us. I’m very glad to hear that this service is now being extended to families who will lose their babies, an experience that I can only imagine is even more painful.

  9. I am pleasantly surprised that an article on such a subject in the MSM didn’t come up with some “pro-choice” straw-person opposing this concept because “some fear that this alternative will make it easier to prohibit abortions in cases where the baby-to-be will die soon after birth” or some such — the MSM has made such straw-person arguments before …

  10. My parents always refer to their first child, who was stillborn, by his name. He is not frequently spoken of, but his identity is no secret.

    My mom said that after he was stillborn, in the early 70s, there was no post-partum counseling, no therapy, no grief counselor.

    She said it was terrible.

    I am consistently in awe of the strength of my parents. After having my brother in ’73, they endured several miscarriages before I was born.

    There was a family tragedy mere weeks before I came into the world, and then I was a sick, sick baby. My prognosis was only slightly better than the babies in the article. (I had some correctible, but dangerous heart defects.)

    That my parents made it through all of that with their marriage and sanities intact has always amazed and impressed me.

  11. Wow. My mother had difficulty with carrying to term (German measles can do that). As far as I remember, she had two stillbirths and at least one miscarriage.

    We never talked about any of it.

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