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Proving Dorothy Parker Wrong

Highly-educated women are now as likely as women with less education to get married. This, I think, is supposed to make book-learnin’ ladies like myself really happy, because it means that despite having the opportunity to be relatively autonomous and successful, I’ll still be able to snag a husband. Boys do make passes at girls who wear glasses! Three cheers, etc etc.

But what would an article about women be without some sort of warning about how we’re collectively abandoning our God-given womanly duties and ohmygod our ovaries are shrivelling up as we speak? Gotta remind the girls that, despite their fancy educations, they shouldn’t forget that their primary duty in life is to repopulate the country (because apparently there aren’t enough people here already):

As children of egalitarian baby boomer moms and dads hit their 20s and 30s, high-achieving women now marry at the same rate as others, they just do so a few years later. The first part of that sentence is reason to celebrate. The latter is more worrisome. Later marriages tend to mean later and fewer births, and this country needs the bright kids bright moms raise. Though given how quickly society has changed on the first count, there’s every reason to hope that soon young women will succeed in changing the second part, too.


Forget that later marriages tend to be more stable and have lower divorce rates. We need more babies!

And let’s not ignore the thinly-veiled class issues here. We don’t just need more babies; we need more babies raised by “bright” women. “Bright” is synonymous with “highly-educated,” apparently, and if you’ve walked through a prominent graduate school lately you probably have some idea of what the highly-educated American woman looks like. You can probably guess that graduate students — and college students, for that matter — tend to come from middle and upper-class families. Heck, the only reason that I can afford to take out hundreds of thousands of dollars in loans for law school is because my parents paid for my undergraduate education. Primary among the reasons that I got into a good undergraduate institution was because I went to a good public high school in an upper-middle-class suburb; my parents had the time and the education to help me with my homework and pay for private tutors when I was struggling; I could focus on school instead of being forced to work or watch younger siblings in my spare time. I work very hard, and I like to think that I’m not a complete idiot, but I don’t kid myself into thinking that I’m where I am because of hard work or intelligence alone, or that everyone else in this country has the potential to be where I am if only they’re smart enough and willing to work hard enough. That’s not the case.

And so I’m the kind of woman that this author would like to see getting married at a younger age and having some babies — because I was born with a certain degree of privilege that has enabled me to be one of those highly-educated future career bitches.

When women decide that they want to get married, they tend to make it happen. They approach dates with open minds. They ask to be set up. They seal the deal.

Until now, young women haven’t adopted that mindset in graduate school or in the early years of their big careers because they believe the myth that it’s impossible to have it all.

Or maybe because some of us don’t want to be married in graduate school or in the early years of our big careers because we just don’t want to be married yet.

I don’t know if I ever want to get married or not. I’m not necessarily opposed to it, but right now I’m 23, I’m in school, I’m living in Manhattan, I have all kinds of dreams and plans, and I’m having a pretty good time being single. I don’t spend a whole lot of time thinking about marriage. I know that right now, I don’t want to be dependent on someone else, and I definitely don’t want to be accountable to someone else. I want to be able to take my dream job, even if it requires me to move across the world. I want to be able to sleep alone when I feel like sleeping alone. I don’t want to have to “check in.” I want to be able to stay at the library until midnight and not feel like I’m neglecting someone.

That’s why I’m not married, and why I’m not even thinking about getting married yet. It’s why I don’t have a boyfriend, and don’t particularly want one right now.

Selfish? You bet. Immature? Probably. And my reasons definitely don’t apply to everyone, or even to most people. But contrary to the views of this author, it’s been my experience that women in graduate school aren’t putting off marriage and child-rearing because we think that we can’t have it all, or because we’re scared of damaging our careers. Many of us are putting off (or completely foregoing) marriage and childbearing because we don’t want to be married and/or we don’t want to be parents. Yet. Or ever.

That said, the reality of many women’s lives is that they do desire marriage and children. There’s nothing wrong with that — but I do take issue with the generalization that all women want these things, and that marriage and kids are the pinnacle achievements of a woman’s life. There are certainly women in graduate school who do want to get married and/or have children, but are institutionally discouraged from doing so. Parental leave in this country is not federally mandated, and is sorely insufficient even in most white-collar positions. You don’t see a whole lot of female partners in big law firms. And women are the only ones who are constantly told that we can’t have it all — to paraphrase Gloria Steinem, no one ever asks a man how he manages to balance work with family. So lots of women make choices. Some of us choose to forego grad school in order to have a family. Others choose to delay marriage and child-rearing in order to go to graduate school and work. Many, many women do manage to do both. Most women — those who don’t have the luxury of a partner to support them, or a job where they can work from home, or the ability to afford good childcare — balance work and family because they have to.

But my frustration is primarily with the idea that women having children later in life is some sort of failure, that all women desire marriage and kids, and that there’s a particular class of women who have an obligation to create smart children. The natural flipside of those arguments is that there are some women who, because they lack higher education, are not as smart and not as valuable as women like me. It assumes that women are essentially reproductive commodities, and that the “better” women (the white, wealthy, educated ones) are obligated to reproduce in order to counter the reproductive efforts of the lower-class women. It’s a tired, racist, classist, sexist message, wrapped up in “concern” for women. And I call bullshit.

Thanks to Jennifer for the link.


26 thoughts on Proving Dorothy Parker Wrong

  1. Word. Show me a single article about the rate at which men marry, men having trouble finding wives, men having children later in life, etc, and maybe I’ll think more charitably of this tired research.

  2. It’s neither selfish nor immature for a woman to not be married, not want to be married and/or rear children, in grad school, or at any other stage. Go on with your bad law school studyin’ self and don’t feel any guilt at all! Why should you? It’s your life, and your choice.

    For one to say this is a selfish attitude is to tacitly admit that marrying and/or having children is a duty rather than a right and/or choice. It’s not a duty. I’m 38, an attorney,never married, and no kids except for a one fabulous Cornish Rex cat and one equally fabulous horse. Selfish and immature are two words I would definitely not use to describe myself. Don’t put yourself down, Jill. Doing what’s right for yourself is smart, not selfish and inmmature!!

    Then again, there’s always the fact that dating in law school is a tricky business. The curriculum itself is quite enough stress without a potentially emotionally-draining relationship.

  3. Karolena,

    Articles come out worrying that there will be no wives for men every other day.

    Here’s a really good reason highly educated women get married later: It’s frickin’ moronic to get married before you’re out of graduate school, especially if you plan on marrying someone as educated as yourself. I say this as a married academician whose wife is in the same field. My wife and I are absolute fools! The job market is really tough in our field. I have an idea, let’s make it just that much harder for ourselves by stapling ourselves together! Brilliant.

    Bah. Love. >:-(

  4. Me: married at 27, first baby at 36 (she’s 16 days old). I think I can be a far better mother now than I could have been 10 or 15 years ago. And waiting to have her meant that I could get out of a field in which I was desperately unhappy (IT) and into one that I love and am good at (teaching English as a second language to adults).

    I made my choices, am happy with them, and am as resentful as you are, Jill, of people who say I am wrong. To each her own. (And fewer people in overconsuming countries is not a bad thing.)

  5. I know that right now, I don’t want to be dependent on someone else, and I definitely don’t want to be accountable to someone else. I want to be able to take my dream job, even if it requires me to move across the world. I want to be able to sleep alone when I feel like sleeping alone. I don’t want to have to “check in.” I want to be able to stay at the library until midnight and not feel like I’m neglecting someone.

    That’s why I’m not married, and why I’m not even thinking about getting married yet. It’s why I don’t have a boyfriend, and don’t particularly want one right now.

    Selfish? You bet. Immature? Probably.

    I don’t think so. Getting involved that deeply with another person, just to meet someone else’s expectations (rather than because you want to be with that person) strikes me as far more immature. Marriage should not be a thing on a checklist you do just to prove to the world that you’re mature. Knowing you’re not ready/ don’t want to make a commitment is a form of maturity.

  6. this country needs the bright kids bright moms raise

    I like to think that I’m one of the bright kids my bright (though not especially well educated) mom raised and that I’m doing the things the country needs. Which might include, but is by no means limited to, raising kids.

  7. Well, didn’t the NYT do some article awhile back on how blue-collar men can’t find wives? That’s the only comparable thing I can think of.

  8. A high-income earning woman can be quite an asset to an upwardly mobile man. I see it as akin to a dowry. Men are no longer looking for a trophy housekeeper dinner party provider (that can be contracted out to another woman) but a bank account enhancer.

    It’s still all about status.

  9. You guys aren’t going to believe this, but I’m a partner at a law firm and just got told by another woman in management that I can’t act the way men act or the staff with think I am a bitch. I need a shower. I need a vodka IV. I’m totally freaking out. I have never ever yelled at any staff person or been rude – ever. I can’t believe someone would actually say those things with their outside voice. Help!

  10. Oh, maybe there have been articles about men unable to find wives – I just highly doubt that these articles darkly imply that if the men want wives and kids, they need to make some major life changes, like purposely hindering their own success in their careers.

  11. this country needs the bright kids bright moms raise.

    jill, thanks for tackling that one. it was especially worrisome to me.

  12. Oh, maybe there have been articles about men unable to find wives – I just highly doubt that these articles darkly imply that if the men want wives and kids, they need to make some major life changes, like purposely hindering their own success in their careers.

    No, they usually imply that it’s the fault of women who won’t marry these poor, helpless, yet wonderful and husbandly men just because they lack a degree or whatever. Somehow it’s never the men’s fault.

  13. Selfish? You bet. Immature? Probably

    Heh? It’s selfish to understand yourself well enough to know that you’re not ready for marriage and/or childrearing and therefore to avoid getting into either situation? It’s immature to reflect on your needs and desires and do your best to fulfill them? I don’t think so.

    Your actions are neither selfish nor immature. Selfish is a man who gets married while in law school, lets his wife support him through school (and do all the housework), neglects her needs (ie attention, her own schooling, etc), and then dumps her for a “trophy wife” when she hits 30. Immature is thinking that being married will solve all your problems and is a goal that must be met at all costs, including loss of your freedom and self-respect. Don’t berate yourself, you’re behaving well.

  14. Agreed, Dianne. I’d like to say that although women probably get more of this “when are you going to get married” pressure, I’ve noticed I’ve been experiencing more of it as I’ve gotten older. True, there’s the “swinging bachelor” image, but it does have a flip side: the immature man who “won’t grow up” and settle down with That One Woman. I’ve noticed both men and women reinforce this notion.

    So when a woman I’m interested in dating asks me (as has happened several times), “Why are you still single?”, my answer is “Because I want to be”. If that doesn’t satisfy her, well, I don’t date her again. The “still” part of that question gets to me, as if my not wanting to marry means I think I’m perpetually 21 years old.

  15. I remember that article in the NYT, July I think, part of a general series about how men were hurt by women’s gains. there was also a column about how girls do better at school NOT vecause we have to work harder BUT because classrooms are just geared towards girls. bleh.

    personally, i would never advocate marriage at 23, or marriage before you get a hold on your career. enjoy yourself. most of my friends who waited to have kids in their 30s, after building careers and having their single fun, have good relationships. the ones who married straight out of college just to be married are the ones you don’t want raising the next generation of bright kids because they’re miserable. (sweeping generalizations, i realize).

    and i totally get racist undertones in these sort of articles, like they WANT to say “ohmygod, only the ghetto teens are breeding–let’s get some honky MBAlets out there stat!”- i work with kids in the inner cities and plenty of bright kids come from all sorts of parents. bleh.

  16. Heh. Well, I think the weird pressure on everybody to hurry up and fulfill that baby-making purpose is really annoying, but then the whole attitude bugs me — it doesn’t have to be this linear path where you go to college date people have fun meet “The One “settle down buy house have babies. Hell, it doesn’t work that way even for most people who want it to. And though I’m all fighting for gay marriage and shit, I don’t want it at all . I think marriage — which is everybody’s right, and more power to y’all if you want to do it — is kind of a strange, pointless, and baggage-filled institution, myself.

    I mean, would I call my girlfriend my “wife”? That’s got so much baggage in it, I don’t even know where to start.

  17. personally, i would never advocate marriage at 23, or marriage before you get a hold on your career. enjoy yourself. most of my friends who waited to have kids in their 30s, after building careers and having their single fun, have good relationships. the ones who married straight out of college just to be married are the ones you don’t want raising the next generation of bright kids because they’re miserable. (sweeping generalizations, i realize).

    I would add to this sensible statement my own view that it’s perfectly okay to have your single fun whenever you want to do so. In most people’s minds, it seems, it’s in your 20s when you’re “supposed” to do that. That didn’t happen for me (for a lot of reasons), so I’m having my single fun now. I rather like it.

  18. they usually imply that it’s the fault of women who won’t marry these poor, helpless, yet wonderful and husbandly men just because they lack a degree or whatever

    Actually, I think the implication is they won’t marry these men because they lack cash (which, I think you’d have to admit, is true for some women).

  19. It is so dissapointing to read that article and be reminded once again, that educated women still fall into the patriarchy trap and run around trying to soothe their haters with stories of how women really are behavin’ finally. bullshit.

    Why can’t women be comfortable with admitting that having kids is a drag on one’s development of self, economic well being and even physical health?

    Why can’t women just be comfortable with coming out and saying that marriage offers little opportunity for women but unpaid drudgery, responsibility and that just possibly, women can live alone, be functional and get all the love they need at the same time?

    You are 23 Jill, you are young, you are right where you should be with an attitude that will help you dodge the snags and draps set out for women.

    That those who set them are unsucessful and thus blame you as ‘deficient’ only act out of a last ditch effort to bring you to your knees, so to speak.

    To hell with them. Listen not to the bleating of the jealous and the ignorant.

  20. Immature? Probably.

    as someone who is 23, engaged, and planning on going to grad school next fall, I can say with great clarity that you are NOT immature for not getting married (or actively seeking to get married).

    I graduated from a college where students (male and female) are expected to pair off and marry as soon as possible after graduation. It’s terrifying to see how many people get married that clearly aren’t ready for it. It’s sad when we sit at the bar and make bets about how long these marriages are going to last. Immature people get married ALL THE TIME. (And that’s tragedy on top of tragedy when you consider how many nice, mature, same-sex couples CAN’T get married at all. I think that’s yet ANOTHER problem I have with articles like this. It completely ignores people that currently have no legal right to marriage)

  21. I think the implication is they won’t marry these men because they lack cash (which, I think you’d have to admit, is true for some women).

    My point, more or less. The implication is that women are evil, shallow bitches for not marrying these wonderful men just because they lack cash. True for some women? Almost certainly. Almost anything is true for some women. Some men too. I would speculate though that most women are less interested in marriage, especially to men who whine about how unfair it is that no one will marry them, because they have survival instincts. Who wants to spend their life with someone with that sort of grudge?

  22. I actually got married at the age of 20 and finished college while married. While I don’t regret my choice, persay, because I have a great husband and fantastic kids I can say with certainty that it has complicated things tremendously. I am looking at going back to grad school for a masters in education, and instead of just thinking about what I want, I have to factor in the kids and the husband and childcare and gas money and a whole host of ther things that go along with having a family and going to school. It’s certainly not immature or selfish to wait until you know that’s what you want. In fact, I think it’s more selfish to marry someone you’re really not sure you want to marry.

  23. I’m on board with the getting married late or never. I’m 29, in an awesome 5-year relationship, just not ready for the ring and the forever promise.

    But I’ve yet to find Dorothy Parker wrong on anything. 😉

  24. who gives a flying fuck?

    from the article: “In the bad old days – alas, as recently as the 1980s – a woman with a graduate degree was 16% less likely to be married by age 44 than a woman with a high school diploma. Now, while 55% of women with graduate degrees marry by age 29 vs. 61% of other women, after 30, the odds reverse. A single, 30-year-old woman with a graduate degree has about a 75% chance of getting married. A single 30-year-old woman with less education has about a 66% chance”

    Or, It could have been phrased, “In the good old days women who had degrees didn’t tie themsleves to selfish man-children so they could stay home and take care of more children or hell, try to work, pay back student loans and do the housework, and pop out the puddin’dumplin’s and make sure dinner was on the table for Mr. MARRIAGE!!!!”

    Dearie me, I wonder what my chances are of catching that man? What’s the numbers for a single, uneducated, smart-as-hell, 36 year old, man-hating feminist? Cause it’s obviously an important percentage to know as I live my day taking care of me, my son and my business.

  25. AND

    Actually, I think the implication is they won’t marry these men because they lack cash (which, I think you’d have to admit, is true for some women).

    Again, so what? Some women won’t marry a guy who doesn’t have a job cause that means WE HAVE TO DO IT ALL!!!! Those bastards still won’t clean.

    Oh sure, there’s a rare Mr. Mom who would stay home, make everything shiny and be the wife while the woman goes out and makes it in the world but usually they are just home getting high and cruising internet porn.

    Get rid of the male entitlement and I’ll partner with any poor broke genuine good guy. These guys are NEVER as good as they say they are though. The poor me, women don’t like nice guy act is usually put on by someone who actually isn’t that nice once you get to know them.

    Sorry for the raging comments. Obviously hit one of my bitter sore spots:D Great post about it.:)

  26. I like the idea of a committed, long-term relationship, but at 24, I’m not ready to get engaged–and I’m not yet sold on the whole marriage thing, anyway. My boyfriend is wonderful and I love him to pieces, but it’s not clear to me that marriage is really what I want.

    I refuse to listen to anyone who tells me that I ought to settle down and have kids while in grad school. As it is, I barely have enough time/energy/money/etc. to provide for myself (and my cat).

    Meanwhile, France seems to have the right idea when it comes to supporting working mothers.

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