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Parenting and Depression

Lauren

And one I can relate to — Dooce writes about her depression, motherhood, and a new must-read book:

I have received a lot of email about the things I wrote during that time, email that thanks me for sharing a glimpse into that darkness because it has made some other mothers feel as if they are not alone. But just as important as those notes are the ones from people who have thanked me for giving them insight into an illness they know nothing about, into the mind of their wives, or their sisters, or their best friends. Because of some of the things I shared, they say, they are now less quick to judge someone in their lives. It is this reason that I recommend Thompson’s book, because it is a compelling look into and analysis of what causes maternal depression, into why someone might, without cause, pick up a phone and scream obscenities at the most important person in her life.

The Ghost in the House looks at how mothers today struggle to live up to unreasonable expectations, and suggests that “the bar has been raised in imperceptible increments, for such a long time, that much of the time we don’t even realize that we are holding ourselves to standards our mothers never had to meet.” Thompson surveyed nearly 400 mothers who have suffered depression, and combines those results with scientific studies to describe in exact terms what maternal depression is, how we can prevent it from harming the relationships we have with our children, and how we can cope with it through the “very specific stress” we face as mothers: “the ongoing demands of children.”

And a quote from the author:

Depression and poverty and motherhood are practically synonymous, in my opinion, and I based this purely on anecdotal evidence from reporting on welfare reform for the Washington Post and seeing a lot of dire poverty up close. These women just deal, and many of them deserve the Nobel Prize just for getting through the day. It is no surprise to me that many of them self medicate (lots of affluent women self-medicate–the only difference tends to be the choice of drugs).

I’d write more if I weren’t so damned busy.

7 thoughts on Parenting and Depression

  1. womanhood, parenthood and poverty make for a toxic combination. I suffered from a bout of severe depression when the kids were about teenage. Right about in the middle of that conscripted near twenty years of child rearing, care taking, working, competing, worrying, struggling, my mind and body said ‘enougha this’.

    I found some supports through local social service agencies and learned how to reach out to people around me. It took a few years to learn to not be so hard on myself and realize that the standards we women put ourselves to are often especially harsh and unrealistic.

    I lived through it and am here to tell about too, to anyone who gives a shit enough to listen.

    More needs to be written to drown out the MRA fools whose mantra lies in the myth that women and mothers get all the breaks.

    They give all the breaks and get nothing.

  2. This is a side issue to your excellent post, but I’ve been wondering why Adrienne Rich’s works are missing from discussions I’ve read on parenting (and feminism)? Of Woman Born? On Lies, Secrets and Silence? Any one? Why is it?

  3. When my first daughter was born 20 years ago I was poor and living in a terrible situation in Texas, away from any family support. My roommate hated me and hated my baby (she called her “it”, as in “it’s crying, you’d better feed it) and all I could do was hold my baby, the only source of love and comfort I had, and try to be strong for her. And of course the first time anybody said a kind word to me, weeks after her birth, I broke down and cried for hours. A simple word of kindness, a simple smile, was all I needed.

    I couldn’t call any of my family members, because their first reaction upon learning of my pregnancy was “get rid of it.” And the simple “you made your bed, now lie in it,” attitude just made it worse. I still try not to think of those dark days, because I feel the sadness and hopelessness come back as strongly felt as if I were living through it again.

    Thanks for sharing this, Lauren.

  4. I should also add that when my daughter was only a month old my roommate kicked me out, leaving me not only depressed and broke but also homeless. Thus I took the first job I could find–night shift–and spent the first year of my baby’s life in a sleep-deprived funk, which only compounded the depression.

  5. In answer to dharmadyke, I read Of Woman Born while I was researching my book and loved it. It was a gaping hole in my literary education up to then. I’ve used one of her quotes in the heading of a chapter of my book. It was truly a landmark work.

  6. The hatred of women and the body that are so deeply embedded (in monotheism especially) and just permeate our puritan culture meet, I think, especially cruelly at the moment of pregnancy and birth. If you are hallowed by wedlock and belong to a man, you are held up as a model (albeit a model in chains with clay feet), if not, woe to you. Even Mother Mary had to be virginized to be palatable and pure.

    I am over and over again stunned by the amount of woman-despising and its many guises and have to add that it seems to come with renewed vigor at the moments and in the areas when and where women are most vulnerable: pregnancy, childbirth, poverty, body image and yes also when we are engaged in the unmentionable contested acts of porn, prostitution, and BDSM. Just reading the threads on parenting lately, and of course having read and participated in threads here and on other blogs–surely it’s the moment of contempt which is isolating, depressing and misogynistic, whether from right-wingers or fellow feminists.

    Why isn’t it a point of honor and integrity among feminists–and women in general– to not attack another woman when she’s vulnerable? To not replicate or make this misogynistic gesture?

  7. Tracy: Thank you, I’ve just added your book to my shopping cart. I look forward to reading it.
    Yrs, dharmadyke

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