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Your partner’s infidelity: All your fault

Caperton

When a partner cheats, there’s always (well, frequently, anyway) a question: Why? Why, God, why? Is it something I did? Parent Society blogger Jennifer Carsen has the answer: Yes! Yes, it is. It’s probably because you got fat. Yeah, when your partner decides to have illicit sex behind your back instead of fixing your relationship or breaking it off cleanly, it’s definitely because you got fat.

Content note for some serious psychological fuckery.

1. Letting yourself go.

Because staying hot > staying faithful.

2. Taking your spouse for granted.

Because if your partner feels like your relationship is lacking affection and common courtesy, the appropriate solution is to discuss it courteously screw someone else.

3. Directing your attention elsewhere.

“You may not be carrying on an affair like your partner is,” Carsen says, “but are you devoting all of your finite time and energy to your children, or your job, or maybe even caring for an ailing parent?” You horrible, thoughtless wretch, you. Instead of, for instance, taking part in the childcare or helping you care for your sick mother, your partner would be perfectly justified in seeking attention in someone else’s genitalia without your knowledge.

4. No longer investing in the marriage.

Because when your partner feels like you aren’t having enough “us time,” the obvious answer is to plan a date night. With someone else.

5. Falling into the blame trap.

Presented without comment.

6. Letting sex fall by the wayside.

“Sex is the one thing you and your partner do together that makes the relationship different from all the others in your life,” Carsen says. Well, obviously not all the others.

7. No longer listening to your partner.

Could you speak up, please? It’s hard to hear what you’re saying about your unhappiness in our relationship over the sound of the enthusiastic coitus you’re having with someone else.

So Carsen has provided a list of hazards that can, realistically, befall a relationship over time. And then she’s identified them as reasons your partner’s infidelity is your fault. “There is no excuse for cheating, of course,” she says — but lack of excuse notwithstanding, the fact remains that the explanation is all on you. And not, as one might guess, for unknowingly picking a cheating asshole for a partner.

37 thoughts on Your partner’s infidelity: All your fault

  1. “Sex is the one thing you and your partner do together that makes the relationship different from all the others in your life,” Carsen says.

    Wait, I thought that was taxes.

    Anyway, A+ post, Caperton!

    1. Apparently it is my lot in life today to follow you around with a “Yeah That” sign today, Mac.

  2. O.k. these things always confuse me, but even I understand the serious fuckery going on in the original article.

    1. But if somebody hadn’t, then Caperton wouldn’t have written this post! And it’s such a lovely little post. So yay for Parent Society blogger Jennifer Carsen (though mostly yay for Caperton).

  4. And of course, “letting yourself go” always means that a skinny woman allowed herself to become fat. Never vice versa (although I actually had a friend-of-a-friend whose husband cheated on her after she lost a ton of weight, because, in his words, “he was only attracted to big girls”). Of course, the fact that one can be attracted to multiple body types (or be attracted to the same person ever when their body changes) is just too much to handle for now.

    1. Did you look at the article? The illustration of the spouse who is “letting go” is the husband, not the wife. In fact, most of the depictions of poor or neglectful behavior show the husband at fault.

      1. Uh, did you not see Jill’s post? Letting yourself go is a common American term for “allowing” yourself to gain weight – and it’s often cited as a major reason for cheating – since, you know, heavy or overweight people are inherently disgusting and nobody can be attracted to them. Or did you miss the picture of the large person sitting next to the plate of fries? Seems to me like you didn’t actually read the article – and your visual prowess might need some fine-tuning too.

        3. Oh, I’ve heard it used towards men – but the caveat is that is it used by other men in the gym-rat/muscle man culture, which sort of pervades my gym. But it certainly is used towards people of both sexes. The distinction, to me, is that for men, it usually implies a loss of perceived fitness or health, and with women it means a loss of skinny-ness.

        4. A quick google count shows:
          “Letting himself go” – 314000 hits
          “Letting herself go” – 401000 hits

          So, it does not appear that strongly gendered in text on the internet, anyway.

        5. So Carsen has provided a list of hazards that can, realistically, befall a relationship over time. And then she’s identified them as reasons your partner’s infidelity is your fault. “There is no excuse for cheating, of course,” she says — but lack of excuse notwithstanding, the fact remains that the explanation is all on you. And not, as one might guess, for unknowingly picking a cheating asshole for a partner.

          A+ Caperton, so right about this characterization!

          I should add that most people would not even need this list to wrongly blame themselves, so it’s doubly jerky. These are all the things that would naturally occur to anyone (at least anyone with as many insecurities as me,) to worry about over the course of a marriage whether one is cheating or not cheating. They also are good things, mostly, in and of themselves for both couples in a relationship to EQUALLY work on.

        7. That’s interesting – I wonder if it is a USian thing (or some places, anyway) or just a subculture thing more generally, to use it of men? I’ve only ever heard it used against women, but said by men and women alike.

      3. Yes, the picture is of a man eating unhealthy french fries and a milkshake. However, the phrase is “letting YOURSELF go,” which is NOT the same as “letting go.”

        It’s unlikely, despite the picture, that the target of this remark was male (I suppose I remember hearing it in gay circles back in the day.) Even it it was, it takes a reprehensible human being to use a change in appearance as an excuse to secretly break promises they made to their partner.

        Just the phrase “letting yourself go” implies fault and ignores the fact that people’s appearance changes over time for multitudes of reasons: preference, comfort, health, age, injury, etc.

        1. The whole letting yourself go meme enrages me for a multitude of reasons. From the policing of women’s figures to enforce unrealistic expectations of weight and sex appeal, to the assumptions underlying that policing that women’s bodies are not their own and for the enjoyment an tittilation of men, and n to the unrealistic expectations put on women during and after pregnancy wrt to their weight and physical appearance.

          And pregnancy can and will change one’s body, permanently. That this is seen as some sort of horrible thing that should be avoided at all costs and that it should be the basis of shaming women for letting it happen is total bullshit. FFS, pregnancy can be hard on your body, so, what I get to punished for that by being considered unattractive and pathetic for not killing myself to regain my pre-pregnancy body and face endless shame if I think it’s bullshit?

          No

  5. A good friend of mine is getting divorced because she found out her husband was cheating on her with his assistant. And yes, she’s gained weight over the years because of kids, health stuff, etc.
    But her husband actually started sleeping around one year into the marriage. Long before they had kids. Long before she gained any weight. But he was busy blaming his infidelity on her gaining weight and taking care of their kids (not that he was in any way an involved dad).
    Yeah, no. A cheating asshole is a cheating asshole.

  6. That was a seriously offensive article.

    In the context of a “traps to avoid for a healthy marriage” article, this list would have been no worse than many others of the nonsense lists on that site, but the framing of “why the cheating might be your fault” is just unbelievably bad.

    1. To clarify: I am just saying that it would be no worse than a lot of the rest of the stuff on that site. It is not a high bar…

  7. I just want to say the fries on slide two made me want to “let myself go”…if that were a thing that was ever said by me with any kind of seriousness.

  8. Good to know that I am in control not only of my own behavior, but my partner’s too. With all the power this brings me, I will be sure and manipulate him into bringing me ice cream… so I can let myself go.

  9. Hmm…

    If you let yourself go because of “chaos and the kids”…

    And you take your spouse for granted because of the “grind of daily life”…

    And you don’t give them enough attention because of “your children, or your job, or maybe even caring for an ailing parent”

    And you didn’t invest in the marriage enough when “the kids were napping”

    And you aren’t having sex often enough because you’re “crazy busy, and tired, and stressed out” (probably because of those damn kids!)

    And you’re not listening to your partner enough…

    Obviously the issue is the kids! Blame the children, and tell them it’s their fault daddy cheated and mommy and daddy divorced.

    Or perhaps you didn’t know that your husband was actually another child you were supposed to take care of.

    Solutions:
    Give him some crayons and put his picture up on the fridge.
    Tire him out at the park and then put him down for a nap.
    Leave notes in his lunchbox, and maybe a copy of playboy?

    1. Haha! I laughed A4, for real!

      Yeah, manbaby does not get to act like a baby and garner sympathy. Ditto with trying to lay blame on his wife for his manbabyness. Grow the eff up, manbaby.

  10. Parent Society.

    I suppose the writers/bloggers related to this organization also dispense advice on raising children.

    That’s terrifying.

  11. This sharticle is today’s biggest pantload.

    Tips on how to keep a husband are just as offensive as those rape prevention tips.

  12. Good on you for calling out this ridiculous nonsense. I really dislike this kind of foolishness and am glad someone is there to mock it in the way it deserves.

  13. That article is disgusting and Caperton’s response is great except for the default on 5.
    So here are a few; you did this and you did that and you didn’t do this and you didn’t do that. This and that are variables, put what ever comes to mind there. It’s your fault the checks bounce and the c cards are maxed out. Your fault I went out having affairs, you didn’t tell me how wonderful I am and make me feel good about myself to my satisfaction. Two male counselors agreed with her. The last counselor a woman we saw called it bullshit. Number 7 I add When it becomes a broken record or CD stuck in a loop and all you hear is; you inadequate ass hole, worthless knickknack, rotten father …..; ears now hearing screeching nails on chalk board so brain goes into tune out mode.
    I can relate to the anger and disgust along with Caperton’s answers.

    1. That article is disgusting and Caperton’s response is great except for the default on 5.
      So here are a few; you did this and you did that and you didn’t do this and you didn’t do that. This and that are variables, put what ever comes to mind there. It’s your fault the checks bounce and the c cards are maxed out. Your fault I went out having affairs, you didn’t tell me how wonderful I am and make me feel good about myself to my satisfaction. Two male counselors agreed with her. The last counselor a woman we saw called it bullshit. Number 7 I add When it becomes a broken record or CD stuck in a loop and all you hear is; you inadequate ass hole, worthless knickknack, rotten father …..; ears now hearing screeching nails on chalk board so brain goes into tune out mode.
      I can relate to the anger and disgust along with Caperton’s answers.

      Wow, she sounds horrible. I’m amazed you didn’t feel compelled to have an affair!

      (sarcasm)

  14. I did have offers and generally I like the saying what is sauce for goose is sauce for the gander. There were four kids in this nightmare and they deserved better so i ended up going the single custodial parent route.

  15. Yep. Classic. Absolutely right to say: You are too tired because of the kids – involve him in the care of his own offspring. You are too busy cleaning, cooking, doing errands and caring for aging parents – give him the opportunity to participate in the joyful exercise of building the hearth and maintaining the family… That way you can go to the gym if you are so inclined, get some sleep, and be refreshed. Then he won’t have time to screw around, any more than you do now. Problem solved!

  16. Ahahahahahahaha. The author appears to have a lot of contempt for her readers. “You poor slobs. If only you installed a lock on the bedroom door and laid off the french fries – true love could still be yours!”

    Although it’s interesting to me how these kinds of articles perpetuate an illusion of total control. As if you can enter a relationship with some kind of roadmap in your pocket that will preemptively allow you to avoid any dead ends. The psychology behind that is fascinating to me.

    In my experience, cheating in relationships between two people who actually give a shit about each other usually happens in the aftermath of a traumatic and/or stressful event. Like, someone’s parent will die, or someone is unexpectedly fired from a beloved job, or a child will be seriously ill – and the fear and anguish will add up to the sudden impulse to just cheat, usually out of a sense of abandonment or resentment. It can be a self-destructive impulse that rarely solves anything – but I at least get where someone is coming from when they act like that.

    Of course, I’m also a big believer in the notion that there are a lot of essentially non-monogamous people out there who are pressured to fall into the trap of monogamy, because it is expected of them. A lack of communication figures into this as well, because we expect that True Love means “no sex with anyone else ever, no exceptions whatsoever.” This results in few people actually frankly discussing their desires before marriage, I think.

    That’s another can of worms, though. And I probably shouldn’t be opening it on this thread.

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