Do you read Ask Polly? I love Ask Polly. She and Captain Awkward are my favorite advice-givers in all of internet land. And she has some particularly good advice this week, for both a woman who’s boyfriend isn’t treating her right, and another who is afraid to end a dysfunctional relationship with a heroin addict. They’re both scared of being alone. Polly says, in a way that feels especially right to me at this particular moment in my life (which is how we always read advice columns, isn’t it?):
What I’d strongly suggest, though, is that you set out on your own and steel yourself for at least a year of thrillingly independent, celebratory singledom. I’m sure that someone with your history is afraid of such a thing, which is exactly why it’s going to feel so surprisingly great to be alone for a while. You will get a therapist, and see that person every week. You will discuss your pattern of chasing men who are self-serving, ego-driven narcissists incapable of real love, either openly or beneath the surface. You will discuss your anxiety issues, and consider meditation and cognitive therapy. You will find a sunny apartment that your cat will love. You will paint the walls bold colors, and get some new music and some new books and a whimsical light fixture that your ex would’ve hated. You will rededicate yourself to your female friendships. You will meet a few new friends and take some classes and learn some new skills. You are going to be much, much happier.
And later:
Why is everyone so afraid of being alone in their 20s? What better time to be alone could there possibly be? I felt exactly the same way when I was younger, but now I don’t get it. I look back on my twenties and all I can think about is how much happier I would’ve been, if I had just been willing to pack my shit and walk out the door the second I started to feel disregarded or disrespected or compromised. The danger, for a woman who settles for too little, isn’t that she’ll be alone forever. The danger is that she won’t be alone for long enough. Instead, she’ll leap into the next thing before she figures out just how strong she really is.
You haven’t lost your strength. It’s still there. You aren’t just a little bit lonely right now. You are desperately lonely, weak, depressed and confused. And you’re only getting sicker and sicker as you let this situation go on longer, as you poison yourself and poison him with your avoidance and your neediness.