Long before I understood concepts like consent or feminism, I understood creepy, and the song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” qualified. “I ought to say no, no, no sir.” “Say, what’s in this drink?” “What’s the sense in hurting my pride?” “The answer is no.” “How can you do this to me now?” It’s meant to be a fun, flirty little song, but listen to the lyrics and it’s wrong. “No means no” is clear and classic, and when a guy is that insistent about ignoring boundaries, it’s a sign to get the hell out of there, cold outside or not.
It’s a peppy little tune, though, so I thought I’d throw in a few new lyrics to clean it up, show a little respect, ensure her safe return home, and make a somewhat happier winter season for those of us who actually listen to song lyrics.
I really can’t stay.
Baby, it’s cold outside
I’ve got to go ‘way.
Baby, it’s cold outside
The evening has been…
Been hoping that you’d drop in
… so very nice.
The sidewalk’s slick with all that ice.
My mother will start to worry.
Look at those snowflakes flurry.
My father will be pacing the floor.
I’ve got a jacket next to the door.
So really I’d better scurry.
The hood is all nice and furry.
Well, maybe just a half a drink more.
I’ll call you a cab while you pour.
The neighbors might think.
Baby, it’s bad out there.
Say, what’s in this drink?
It’s actually just a pinch of chili powder. You wouldn’t think it would work, but it does.
I wish I knew how…
The cab is on its way now.
… to break this spell.
You can borrow my hat as well.
I ought to say no, no, no sir.
Look, the cab’s getting closer.
At least I’m gonna say that I tried.
It’s on me–I’ll pay for your ride.
I really can’t stay.
Wish you could hold out.
Damn, it is cold outside.
Sure, it only makes two verses–because it shouldn’t take a note more than that to get her safely in a cab on her way home. In my head, though, they get together for coffee the next day so she can return his hat and his jacket, and things go swimmingly, in part because she feels comfortable with a guy who’s already demonstrated that he respects her boundaries and in part because his coat smells so good. Really, that helps.