In defense of the sanctimonious women's studies set || First feminist blog on the internet

One woman is a total disaster; therefore, all women are total disasters

Jill

Dear God make this piece stop. Why, Cat Marnell, WHY?

GET IT TOGETHER, GIRLS: Every Goddamn Pharmacy in New York is Out of Plan B! Every ONE!

Yeah, I don’t want to go on the Pill or wear condoms either, but it’s like … come ON.

It is, like, come ON. Summary: Cat doesn’t like birth control. Any kind of birth control. Except Plan B. But she has noticed lately that lots of NYC pharmacies are out of Plan B. She concludes this is because too many women in New York are making irresponsible decisions, and they need to stop doing that. Cat Marnell’s evidence? Cat Marnell!

But WOMEN. We are clearly abusing [Plan B]. OK, at least I am. Once I took it three times in one month! And that is seriously extreme; I know; I know. So besides that horrible month — I was f*&king around with someone REALLY sexy; what can I say — I’d say that I take it once every, like two months, and OMIGOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M WRITING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE. I meant to be writing all of this to condemn all of YOU.

So I actually don’t really care if you take Plan B three times in one month. I would suggest that it’s expensive, though, at $50 a pop, and also stressful, and that there are better ways to prevent pregnancy. But the fact that one lady took Plan B three times in as many weeks? Not evidence that we’re all irresponsible sluts. Not even evidence that she’s an irresponsible slut! And even if she is an irresponsible slut (a term that could basically be applied to anyone, since no matter how responsible or un-slutty you believe yourself to be I promise there is always someone who is more responsible and more un-slutty and more holier-than-thou who would be thrilled at the chance to tell you just how much of an irresponsible slut you are), that’s not much of an argument against providing Plan B over the counter and without a prescription, as I’m sure anti-choice folks will use Cat’s article to argue. Irresponsible sluts deserve the right to prevent pregnancy too. And irresponsible sluts deserve the right to talk about their experiences and their choices, even if those choices make me, personally, cringe a little bit. It really is your body, and I will fight for your right to make whatever reproductive choices are best for you.

But I do care if you’re the health editor (HEALTH EDITOR, yes!) of a very highly-trafficked website and you (a) take the position that all of this science stuff is HARD and therefore you aren’t going to discuss it, and (b) you spread really dangerous misinformation about health issues. For example:

2) Birth control pills. NO. They will make me fat; they will make me “spot” (another thing I squeamishly just DON’T LIKE TALKING ABOUT; don’t worry, though, everyone else who works here does); they will give me acne; and quite frankly, they will NOT prevent me from getting pregnant! I know this because IT HAPPENED TO ME™.

No, I didn’t take my pills right; I forget things like this unless they are FUN pills, or what I BELIEVE, delusionally, to be a “fun” pill at the time; anyway, the point is, unless a pill gets me speedy or doped up as all hell I will NOT remember to take it, and then I will get pregnant! I JUST WILL. (IHTM™.)

So birth control pills are not my friend either, but Jesus H. THIS IS FACTUALLY INACCURATE. Not all birth control pills will make you gain weight or get acne or whatever. And frankly, they WILL almost definitely prevent you from getting pregnant, but you have to use them right. There are serious downsides to hormonal birth control — there are enough downsides to prevent me, personally, from taking the pill also. But that doesn’t mean every form of the pill is terrible and acne-causing and weight-altering for everyone and doesn’t work anyway. JESUS H.

Condoms. Nope! As if. I don’t know. I don’t sleep with that many people and so I just don’t do condoms!

This is actually scary to me. Cat. Girl. You need to use condoms! Even if you aren’t sleeping with “that many people.” It is totally your right not to use condoms, and I am usually the last person to be like “you really really REALLY should make this one particular choice pertaining to your own health” and plenty of people hate condoms and I understand that, but GIRL. PLEASE USE CONDOMS, OH MY GOD, I AM ACTUALLY WORRIED FOR YOU.

Abortion. This shouldn’t even be on the list though obviously I’ve had them. Abortions are not birth control and I hate them! I’m OBVIOUSLY pro-choice but I think they are terrible and wrong and I hate having them. And I mean terrible for everyone involved. It breaks my heart all around.

So before this paragraph I basically just thought Cat was sort of tragic and misguided, but really? Abortions are wrong and terrible and you hate having them? What, unlike all of the other women who LOVE having them because they’re so fun? CAT. GIRL. It is time for some real talk: You are totally entitled to your beliefs about abortion and anything else, and you are even entitled to be a huge hypocrite by believing abortion is morally wrong and is also murder but then have multiple. Believe me, lots of people embrace that same position. But you kind of veer into asshole territory when you go onto a highly-trafficked website and get all finger-waggy at other women for using Plan B or having abortions. Also, abortion is birth control — it controls the number of births you’re going to have. I know what you mean is that in your opinion abortion should not be used as one’s primary means of birth control, but that’s not what you said. IT IS YOUR JOB TO WRITE ABOUT HEALTH-RELATED THINGS. That requires actually doing some research and writing from a place of knowledge.

OK, my point is, I’m sleeping with someone new now and I’m going to be better about not letting anything happen. Women of New York City and the world: resolve to step up. Fifty bucks is fifty bucks — that’s practically a new fall fragrance! We should all stop letting dudes come inside of us and take some responsibility because I am feeling increasingly guilty about being an AVID participant in an abortion-friendly culture.

Head. Explodes.

I mean, yes, avoid abortions! They are expensive and not fun at all. If you are against abortion in principle, there’s another reason to avoid them! But oh my god “we should all stop letting dudes come inside of us” is not really the reproductive justice call to arms I was looking for, you know? The pull-out method can actually be ok at preventing pregnancy if you use it perfectly every time. That requires being with a partner you trust. That requires using it perfectly every time, which is something most people are not able to do. And even if you use it perfectly, you can still get pregnant. And it doesn’t do all that much for preventing the spread of lots of STIs.

I have no problem with pulling out being Cat’s go-to method of birth control. I’m not sure forgoing condoms is the best idea if you and your partner haven’t been tested for STIs and if you aren’t monogamous, but again, totally her call and her business. And I have no problem with her writing about her life and her experiences, as messy as they are. It is a True Fact that women are not perfect, and we sometimes (often) (always) make decisions that, when put on paper, look irresponsible or problematic or troubling. We shouldn’t deny the existence of certain experiences and choices, just because telling those stories could be anti-choice ammunition, or because we feel that one woman’s experiences make all of Womanhood look bad. We are human, and humans make mistakes, and what’s even a “mistake” is pretty variable depending on who you ask. So I’m not saying that women, even very public women, need to pretend to be perfect on the internet.

However. I have a big problem with the health editor of a major women’s site suggesting that all birth control except Plan B sucks, and so the women of New York should collectively have dudes come on our tits. Discussing one’s own experiences is one thing; universalizing one’s experiences and spreading misinformation is another, especially when the person doing the universalizing and misinforming is in a position of relative authority and influence.

Cat: Your honesty is commendable. But there’s some responsibility that comes along with an editorial position, you know? Please consider being a little more accountable to your readers. You don’t have to be PlannedParenthood.com, but at least don’t spread bad information.

117 thoughts on One woman is a total disaster; therefore, all women are total disasters

  1. Ditto to everything said above. Personally I’ve been on long term birth control, used condoms etc. and also had to take Plan B. My personal experience with Plan B was not positive. In fact, having to take Plan B was one of the major factors behind my going on birth control pills. I guess everyones body responds to pills differently but my body had terrible side effects as a result of Plan B and I couldn’t disagree with her more.

  2. Wait…so contraception doesn’t work unless you use it correctly? Amazing. You know, my sister once stopped taking her anti-depressants, and she totally got depressed. That proves that anti-depressants don’t work.

    Hey, if she finds contraception more onerous than worrying about whether or not a guy is going to come in you and thinking “should he pull out now? how about now?” after every thrust, well, go ahead. I’ll stick with condoms, or, if I find myself going steady again, maybe an IUD.

  4. Paragraph after paragraph had me doing that dog-cocking-its-head-to-the-side thing. It’s like it was written in an alien’s best attempt at persuasive English.

  5. I’m actually more horrifies that this person holds down a job as a health reporter in any sort of context.

  7. From her writing style, I’d say that Cat is taking her Adderall in a timely fashion, even if she can’t stay on top of her birth control. What is this lady talking about? Does she have a point, other than to prove to the world that she’s irresponsible and ill-informed?

    The fact that this woman almost definitely has more readers than me just pains me to no end.

    1. Surely, this is a joke. I mean, it kind of reads like one? I thought it was satire.

      I would think so too, if it wasn’t for the rest of Cat’s writing on the site. It all reads like this. And not to project to much onto People On The Internet, but it does seem like she’s sort of in this downward spiral, and Jane Pratt is exploiting that for page views.

  9. Wow, obviously being an editor does not beget intelligence. It’s absolutely ridiculous that she feels comfortable spouting so much misinformation to some potentially impressionable readers. And I’m not hating on her life or choices. But jesus, you’d think she got paid to talk about Plan B or something.

  10. God damn it, Cat Marnell, I liked reading you in Lucky….but but but…what….I really don’t even know what to say other than that…

  13. Wait, what? She’s the health editor and she gets squeamish about spotting? I mean, if someone gets squeamish about spotting that’s their business, but then their business probably should not involve being the health editor of a website “where women go” (their words, not mine). Because I’m sure her job involves a lot of menstrual-related subjects, so she’s probably squeamish all the time.

  14. I am positive this is satire. I can pick some actual jokes out of that.

    Like, for example:

    Abortion. This shouldn’t even be on the list though obviously I’ve had them. Abortions are not birth control and I hate them! I’m OBVIOUSLY pro-choice but I think they are terrible and wrong and I hate having them.

    I’m not sure what the whole PIECE is supposed to be satirizing, though. Maybe it makes sense in some context we’re not aware of?

  15. Having now read her other articles, I’m pretty sure this lady is (trying to be) a female version of Colbert. Reading what she says literally is missing the point; trying to find some deeper meaning is probably also missing the point. She’s more a humor columnist than anything else.

  16. I’ve had to take Plan B twice, both times because the condom broke. Turns out, me and my guy are just too much of animals in the bed and condoms just can’t handle us. But I might also *suspect* that many women are probably abusing Plan B. If you have to use it multiple times in a short period of time, something is just not right and like you said, there are better ways to prevent pregnancy.

    Also, I don’t know how much as changed when I had to purchase the Plan B (which was closer to when it first came out, in 2005), the ladies at the Planned Parenthood told me that there were a lot of hormones in the pill which could make me sick, especially if I take it without a meal, and that it’s possibly damaging to the body if used more than 3 times in a year (if I remember correctly). So the thought that someone used it 3 times in one month is really concerning to me. Scary actually.

  17. I thought one of the pill’s effects was that it cleared up skin. Seriously, I know a lot of girls and women who took it as a sort of acne medicine.
    I’d also like to point out that most people with ADD are capable of writing a coherent paragraph. Whatever’s going on with Ms. Marnell, it isn’t that.

  19. SocialJerk:
    From her writing style, I’d say that Cat is taking her Adderall in a timely fashion, even if she can’t stay on top of her birth control. What is this lady talking about? Does she have a point, other than to prove to the world that she’s irresponsible and ill-informed?

    The fact that this woman almost definitely has more readers than me just pains me to no end.

    Or how about we don’t make ableist, ADHD-mocking comments. That would be nice.

  21. I had no idea that plan B was $50. What can a woman do in that situation if she doesn’t have that money? Can Planned Parenthood provide it for cheaper (or, the only price I could ever afford, free)?

  22. “Cat! Truth or dare?”
    “Um…truth!”
    “You can’t pick truth, you picked it the last three times.”
    “Ok, ok, fine, dare then.”
    “[after some excited whispering between the other players] I DARE you to put your name on this article for the next issue!”
    “[reading]’Birth control pills. NO. They will make me fat’…’IT HAPPENED TO ME™’…You guys, I cannot put my name on this ridiculousness.”
    “I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU.”

    And thus, Cat Marnell’s career in ejournalism came to a screeching halt.

    Triple Dog Dare: Not Even Once.

  23. So instead of blaming the lack of Plan B on the lack of oversight and planning on the part of the buyer at the pharmacy it’s the fault of the dirty, dirty sluts? oooooookay…..

  24. BlackHumor:
    Having now read her other articles, I’m pretty sure this lady is (trying to be) a female version of Colbert. Reading what she says literally is missing the point; trying to find some deeper meaning is probably also missing the point. She’s more a humor columnist than anything else.

    Another “satire” writer who doesn’t know the first thing about satire.

  25. But oh my god “we should all stop letting dudes come inside of us” is not really the reproductive justice call to arms I was looking for, you know?

    Well, Jill, what would you “call to arms”? To me that sounds like the best option for Womyn, all-round. (STDs, Unwanted pregnancy, etc.) Unless, of course, Cat just means “pull out”, which, to clarify, I mean don’t let dudes put anything of theirs in you (woman) in the first place.

  26. Research has shown that the pill actually doesn’t cause weight gain. Turns out women just gained weight with age and blamed the pill, believing it caused weight gain. But people, on average, gain weight as they age.

  27. …Did she do any research, I mean beyond calling pharmacies to ask if they have Plan B? And the idea that anyone, anyone at all might think she speaks with authority frightens the dickens out of me.

  28. bpbetsy:
    I had no idea that plan B was $50. What can a woman do in that situation if she doesn’t have that money? Can Planned Parenthood provide it for cheaper (or, the only price I could ever afford, free)?

    I got it at my college’s women’s clinic and it was $25. (Canadian). I don’t know if that was because the Canadian government subsidizes it or if the women’s clinic were using their grant to provide it at a lower cost.

  29. Ashley:
    that it’s possibly damaging to the body if used more than 3 times in a year (if I remember correctly).So the thought that someone used it 3 times in one month is really concerning to me. Scary actually.

    According to Princeton University’s EC page, there are no safety concerns with using progestin-only contraceptives multiple times.

  30. Add me to the list of people who are hoping like hell that this is some really terrible satire.

    If not, wow..

    (and I love *eyeroll* how she’s irresponsible with plan B and contraception in general, so the rest of us dirty sluts need to smarten the eff up)

    This is probably the worst article I’ve ever read in anything, anywhere, ever.

    I wish I was being hyperbolic.

  31. I was joking that she is abusing a prescription drug, not that she has ADHD. If I was implying that she had ADHD, then I would have said that she isn’t taking her Adderall. Because she’s all over the place, like a college kid snorting it to stay up during finals week. Wow. Settle down.

    Jadey: Or how about we don’t make ableist, ADHD-mocking comments. That would be nice.

  32. I am sympathetic to the shit people go through finding a birth control that works for them. Seriously, every kind of birth control blows for at least some women and almost all have drawbacks. I used to be active on a reproductive health forum and have heard so many different stories from women trying to find a contraceptive method that works for them and this is the first time I have ever heard of someone relying on Plan B as a primary means of birth control. That shit is awful on your body! I don’t mean that is causes you damage or anything, but it’s physically unpleasant as fuck and throws most people’s cycles out of whack for a good while (if she hates spotting Plan B is worse). Also, her description of Plan B is TOTALLY NOT HOW IT WORKS AT ALL. It does not “zap that little sucker at the source”. It prevents you from ovulating if you haven’t already, but were about to. If you already have, you get pregnant.

  33. @bpbetsy I took a friend to get it from a US Planned Parenthood and it was $25 there, as well.

    But that article was possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever read. Ever.

  34. there is no fucking way this is real. troll? practical joke? is this fool actually a teenager? no way. no way. i can’t conceive of this coming from an actual adult woman. i don’t believe it, i seriously don’t.

  35. I still think this is a joke. I mean, come on, this is straight out of the Onion. Maybe this sort of writing, etc. is her schtick and that’s why it seems so serious in context?

  36. Shoshie:
    For the record, IUDs are fabulous if you suck at taking pills.I know, because I really suck at taking pills.

    Yep. I got Implanon. Works for three years.

  37. SocialJerk:
    From her writing style, I’d say that Cat is taking her Adderall in a timely fashion, even if she can’t stay on top of her birth control. What is this lady talking about? Does she have a point, other than to prove to the world that she’s irresponsible and ill-informed?

    The fact that this woman almost definitely has more readers than me just pains me to no end.

    I’m not making excuses for Cat’s article referenced here, but she has actually written extensively (and compellingly) about how Adderall basically ruined her life and how her ADHD is such a big part of who she is. That’s one of the reasons she has so many readers.

  39. Gretel @14: not so much. A huge chunk of my income is from writing about health care, and I’m squeamish as fuck. It can be overcome. Maybe not squeamish about “spotting”—how is that different than a period from the person experiencing it’s point of view?—but I get ill thinking about a lot of medical stuff.

  40. If I were to make any sort of guess here, it would be that it is attempted satire. For which side, I’m unsure.

    If satire making fun of the anti-choice side by being emphatically slutty, it’s pretty contradictory. She’d have no “slut” shaming via downtalking the use of Plan B and abortions.

    If satire making fun of “sluts” from an anti-choice perspective, the mixed message also doesn’t work.

    But if this chick is for realsies, then everything above was perfect. Stop telling lies about birth control, Plan B, and your negative attitudes about those who use them or receive abortions (even *gasp* regular ones!). If you are someone who relies on them, if you haven’t noticed we’re kind of in the middle of a war on our reproductive rights. Please don’t add fuel to the fire with lies and shaming.

    Also, sidenote: IF WOMEN HAVING MULTIPLE ABORTIONS ARE “IRRESPONSIBLE,” THEN WHY DO YOU WANT TO FORCE AN IRRESPONSIBLE PERSON TO BE A PARENT? Ugh, no one answers that question and it drives me SO nuts.

  42. Whether it’s satire or not, I’m going to add a big old “Oh, fuck YOU” for her “joke” about David Foster Wallace.

  43. So many lovely points made by Marnell.
    Not only did this piece make me angry because of the misinformation; I really took issue with something else; semicolons are meant to be for special occasions; semicolons are a sometimes punctuation mark. AGH.

  44. Shoshie:
    For the record, IUDs are fabulous if you suck at taking pills.I know, because I really suck at taking pills.

    NuvaRing! Plus, if you don’t tell a guy (I assume most non-guys would guess correctly), there’s always a funny story to tell. The last guy I banged said, “Oh, is that what that was? I thought you lost something in there.”

  45. SocialJerk:
    I was joking that she is abusing a prescription drug, not that she has ADHD. If I was implying that she had ADHD, then I would have said that she isn’t taking her Adderall. Because she’s all over the place, like a college kid snorting it to stay up during finals week. Wow. Settle down.

    For the record, I have ADHD and I chuckled a bit at this comment because I used to take Adderall and it made me feel a lot like the tone of this article. That’s why I switched to Ritalin.

  46. Pingback: This Is Quite A Sentence « smart girls stupid things

  47. On the website’s About page it says this: “We are not snarky, but inclusive and uplifting, while remaining nothing but honest at all times.” That makes me think it’s not meant as satire, but I suppose I could be wrong.

    Also, Dawn FTW.

  48. Haha, PrettyAmiable! My boyfriend used to ‘win’ it like a ring toss. He’d pull out after sex and be like, “Hey, I got the prize!”

    I liked NuvaRing. Like Cat Marnell I too was bad at remembering to take the pill. And I did not feel comfortable with provider-controlled birth control like the IUD.

    If this isn’t satire or even not-quite-satire but trying to be lulzy, sort of edgy ‘reporting’, it does seem like irresponsible journalism. Honestly I don’t really know what to think.

  49. It clearly is satire (or at least, joking). Like I said, there are several parts of it that are clearly identifiable as jokes. Poe’s Law doesn’t extend FOREVER. There isn’t any opinion you can express that someone doesn’t hold seriously, but there are certainly ways you can say it that nobody who held it seriously would say.

    And nobody would say “I’m OBVIOUSLY pro-choice but abortion is murder” seriously. Certainly nobody would say that and then imply they’ve had three abortions.

    Similarly nobody would say “OMIGOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M WRITING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE. I meant to be writing all of this to condemn all of YOU” if they honestly meant to slut-shame, or even thought slut-shaming was a valid thing.

    Also the hormone problems she complains about with the normal pill are going to hit her even harder with Plan B because Plan B is basically a superdose of the hormones in normal birth control pills. But that’s not a certain marker; it’s odd she wouldn’t notice that but it’s subtle enough that she probably didn’t even intentionally write it in and it’s just a random contradiction that’s in there because this is the fantasy land of the least responsible person in the world and not an honest recalling of anything.

    Which, now I think about it, might be the point. Maybe what she’s really trying to say is “Jesus I overuse Plan B” and she just went way overboard in the hopes we would get the joke? Or else if I had to guess at the message assuming it’s straight satire it would be “don’t be this irresponsible with birth control”. It’s just, it’s really obvious THAT it’s a joke but it’s not so obvious what the joke is supposed to be. So she’s not a great writer but I’m pretty sure she’s not an idiot?

  50. The K.: Well, Jill, what would you “call to arms”? To me that sounds like the best option for Womyn, all-round. (STDs, Unwanted pregnancy, etc.) Unless, of course, Cat just means “pull out”, which, to clarify, I mean don’t let dudes put anything of theirs in you (woman) in the first place.

    Not to completely miss your point or anything but avoiding penetrative sex with men: not going to protect you from STIs. Queer wom*n, your sexual health is important. /publicserviceannouncement

  51. OMG i CANNOT believe this is SERIOUS. OMFG. Firstly, Cat, please get your finger off caps lock. Jill, I second your head explosion.

    “Condoms. Nope! As if. I don’t know. I don’t sleep with that many people and so I just don’t do condoms!”

    “As if”? What? Condoms are just something the peasants use and she would deign to use them? Does she have some form of sexual entitlement I don’t know about? And “I don’t sleep with that many people and so I just don’t do condoms!”, that’s right sweetie pregnancy and STI’s are the result of varied accumulated sperm and physical contact…. I hope this is satire.

    On a side note, not judging the use of Plan B, but it’s not for me, I took it once and it made me so ill I would rather be decked in IUD’s, femidoms, diaphragms and condoms than use it again.

  53. The writing is very, very reminiscent of a less intelligent Moe Tkacik formely of Jezebel/Gawker.

  54. Sandy: Haha, PrettyAmiable! My boyfriend used to ‘win’ it like a ring toss. He’d pull out after sex and be like, “Hey, I got the prize!”

    Hahaha omg, please keep dating him forever. That’s awesome.

    PS, sex should always be had with a sense of humor. Nothing is a bigger deal breaker for me than if a guy asks angrily, “Why are you laughing??” Well, fucker, sex is funny.

  55. PrettyAmiable: Hahaha omg, please keep dating him forever. That’s awesome.

    PS, sex should always be had with a sense of humor. Nothing is a bigger deal breaker for me than if a guy asks angrily, “Why are you laughing??” Well, fucker, sex is funny.

    In my experience, it’s not so much the laughing that guys take personally, it’s the pointing.

  56. Gretchen: And “I don’t sleep with that many people and so I just don’t do condoms!”, that’s right sweetie pregnancy and STI’s are the result of varied accumulated sperm and physical contact…. I hope this is satire.

    Ha ha, I guess if you use condoms you are automatically sleeping with tons of people? Nope, this ain’t satire. There are people out there who still seem to think women having sex equates with them being a “slut”. Using condoms is effective, so is any other method of birth control except the “rhythm method”.

  57. ElleDee:
    I am sympathetic to the shit people go through finding a birth control that works for them. Seriously, every kind of birth control blows for at least some women and almost all have drawbacks. I used to be active on a reproductive health forum and have heard so many different stories from women trying to find a contraceptive method that works for them and this is the first time I have ever heard of someone relying on Plan B as a primary means of birth control. That shit is awful on your body! I don’t mean that is causes you damage or anything, but it’s physically unpleasant as fuck and throws most people’s cycles out of whack for a good while (if she hates spotting Plan B is worse). Also, her description of Plan B is TOTALLY NOT HOW IT WORKS AT ALL. It does not “zap that little sucker at the source”. It prevents you from ovulating if you haven’t already, but were about to. If you already have, you get pregnant.

    I thought it prevents the implantation of the embyro in your uterus’s wall?

  58. Safiya Outlines: The writing is very, very reminiscent of a less intelligent Moe Tkacik formely of Jezebel/Gawker.

    Yeah, it does! Shudder.

    It very well might be satire but it is not that far of from a lot of the nonsense spouted regularly on Jezebel and other women’s sites. All this anti-condom talk in particular irritates me- there is this notion that having sex with a condom is THE WORST, which I personally have never found to be true. It can be awkward and nerve-wracking to pull-out, I don’t understand why it’s supposed to be so wonderful.

  59. It’s the self-righteousness that really gets to me, that and the self-conscious attempt to be clever. Since I am a man, much of this tirade does not directly apply to me, but this doesn’t let me off the hook, either. I have observed a few things with relationships partners and sexual partners over the years.

    I admit I’ve been a little irresponsible from time to time, but it seems that most of us have by that definition. But even I’ve learned that every woman is different, especially as regards reaction to contraception. Every woman’s body is different, as is every woman’s sexual preference. Some women swear by the pill, some find they cannot tolerate it. Some women love their IUD and some swear by condoms. Coitus interruptus is often risky and not the best method by far, but I’d be lying to you if I hadn’t taken part a time or two.

    The author sounds, in my opinion, like she has an anxiety disorder. If she is this constantly worried about pregnancy, she may not be able to control it. But as you pointed out, neither should she scold other women for her own problems.

  60. It was pretty obviously satire to me. The writing style reminded me of The Bloggess. I actually DID find it funny, although someone needs to introduce that girl to an IUD. It’s been the best thing ever for this ADHD, condom-hating, pill-forgetting-to-take woman.

    1. So for you all saying it’s satire, have you read Cat’s other work at XOJane? I mean, I do think her tone is supposed to be jokey and funny, but I really don’t think it’s satire. Who exactly do you think she’s satirizing? Because the persona in that article is the same one in almost everything else she writes.

  61. First note: Near to unreadable, thanks to the CAPS LOCK and the exclamation points!!!! Before I followed the link, I’d assumed you were just picking on some 19-year-old girl posting on her gee-aren’t-I-naughty blog. (Which is not to say that many 19-year-olds don’t write way, WAY WAY BETTER THAN THIS!)

    Second note: Even if this is satire, it’s awful because it gives inaccurate, dangerous information that some people are going to take seriously. Even in the comments thread (sigh; never read the comments), she’s coming out with concerns that STDs could “crawl up the… SPINE” of an IUD. And “yeah yeah, i get blood tested a lot though. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?” And her commenters are all, “Yes! I was taking the Pill wrong and I got knocked up and it sucks! And you can’t get preggo from pre-come! Thanks you for writing this!” If she’s Colberting, she is deep in it.

  62. PrettyAmiable: Hahaha omg, please keep dating him forever. That’s awesome.

    PS, sex should always be had with a sense of humor. Nothing is a bigger deal breaker for me than if a guy asks angrily, “Why are you laughing??” Well, fucker, sex is funny.

    It so is…. but both parties must think so for maximum enjoyment. Yeah, he’s actually my husband now.

  63. Jill:
    So for you all saying it’s satire, have you read Cat’s other work at XOJane? I mean, I do think her tone is supposed to be jokey and funny, but I really don’t think it’s satire. Who exactly do you think she’s satirizing? Because the persona in that article is the same one in almost everything else she writes.

    Maybe satire is the wrong word. Colberting probably comes closer to it. I paged through a few of her other articles after this one and they all seemed to be written from the POV of a “persona,” not a person, and although I laughed at the persona I wouldn’t take health advice from it. XOJane should probably hire a better health writer, though, because that’s too serious a subject for Cat. Although it’s hard to imagine someone taking health advice from someone who says it’s terrifying to think about how Plan B works and putting in a large parenthetical aside about noose-tying. But some people think Colbert is “real” too, so I guess you never know.

  64. Gretchen: On a side note, not judging the use of Plan B, but it’s not for me, I took it once and it made me so ill I would rather be decked in IUD’s, femidoms, diaphragms and condoms than use it again.

    I’m loving the mental image this is conjuring up for me.

  65. The problem is that we can sit here and say how inaccurate this is, how she mustn’t be serious and joke–but there are plenty of girls/women who take (took) this seriously, as evidenced by some of the comments. That is what scares me the most.

  66. Athenia: I thought it prevents the implantation of the embyro in your uterus’s wall?

    Emergency contraception prevents ovulation or fertilization. Plannedparenthod.org says: “In theory, it’s possible for EC to prevent implantation, but implantation doesn’t occur until five to seven days after fertilization.” I think, though, that I have heard elsewhere that it does also decisively prevent implantation. I wish I could think of where… you also have to remember that anti-choice forces have, in the course of trying to push through an abortion ban somewhere, falsely claimed that women can use EC and have it work for some rather long window of time, like ten days or two weeks or something. I’m sure someone else around here will remember which attempted abortion ban that was, and exactly how long the antichoicers said it could be taken to prevent pregnancy. Outside of forced birther fantasyland you’re supposed to take it within 72 hours of unprotected sex for maximum efficacy, but it’s still worthwhile to use it within 120 hours of unprotected PIV sex.

  67. Rachey: but there are plenty of girls/women who take (took) this seriously, as evidenced by some of the comments. That is what scares me the most.

    Agreed. I don’t think it is satire but I also think that discussion isn’t what we should be focusing on.

  68. What I wrote just from this article:
    I think it’s *intented* to be satire, but it falls flat on its face because it’s the most lazy, crappy excuse for a joke that’s out there. I encountered this before with this “dating for Magic: The Gathering” article that a friend posted, and when I reacted I was told “oohhh it’s just a joke because it’s not meant to be true, therefore it is satire.”

    So I struggled to explain what the DIFFERENCE was between real satire and what that guy (and now this woman) were doing. Real satire sets up on OBVIOUS disconnect between the words being said and the reality. Like on the Daily Show when they interview teachers about their “lavish” lifestyles, while conducting the interview in the teacher’s studio apartment over a bowling alley.

    This really pathetic and dangerous lazy form of satire is just “I’m going to say the things that jerks say, but haha that’s funny because it’s not true!” It seems like this women is trying to take on this “persona” that is a caricature of a certain type of women, but it’s not at all clear – is she making fun of “those types” of women (like as though they exist?) or is she making fun of people who think those types of women do exist??? It’s not clear, and that’s why it’s terrible, especially because some people really do think women behave/think that way.

    And now after looking this women up some more, seeing her response in the comments:
    Huh. Now I am really legit confused. It seems, as others have pointed out, that this is like her ENTIRE online persona. But she must know she’s an exaggeration of herself to up her publicity? No? Even Colbert knows his “show persona” and his real self are different people. This is somehow weirdly blurring the line. I just can’t believe that she acts and talks this way out of the bottom of her heart and soul, but that it’s somehow all this huge act… which she seems to buy into a lot… gahhh????

  69. Dane: I got it at my college’s women’s clinic and it was $25.(Canadian). I don’t know if that was because the Canadian government subsidizes it or if the women’s clinic were using their grant to provide it at a lower cost.

    Dane: I got it at my college’s women’s clinic and it was $25.(Canadian). I don’t know if that was because the Canadian government subsidizes it or if the women’s clinic were using their grant to provide it at a lower cost.

    Without a prescription in Ontario it costs close 30$ CND with a prescription closer to 25$. I am not sure which province you are in but 25$ seems to be about right for subsidized but I know Trillium (provincial prescription plan) doesn’t cover it.

  70. groggette: I’m loving the mental image this is conjuring up for me.

    Is it something like a contraceptive christmas tree? I’d want lights too.

  71. Pleeeeease let it be bad satire. I can’t bear the thought of this being real.

    @Athenia:

    I thought it prevents the implantation of the embyro in your uterus’s wall?

    Plan B’s only proven mechanism of action is to inhibit ovulation.

    If you’re right on the cusp of ovulation, or have ovulated, it won’t do anything. It also cannot disrupt an existing pregnancy. Theoretically the withdrawal bleed (caused by the sharp rise and then fall of hormones) that can occur after taking it could mean that a potential fertilised egg would have nowhere to implant, but that hasn’t been proven, and the withdrawal bleed doesn’t occur every time it’s taken.

    EllaOne (ulipristal acetate) may inhibit maturation of the endometrium (making implantation difficult) and is embryotoxic, so pregnancy needs to be ruled out before it’s used.

  72. Even in the unlikely event that an ovum is fertilized and fails to implant, Plan B doesn’t terminate a pregnancy any more than an IUD does. You’re not pregnant until the embryo implants. If you were, in vitro fertilization would have a 100% pregnancy rate because every patient walks out of the clinic with fertilized eggs somewhere in her reproductive tract.

  74. @Lindsay, I forgot to make that clear in my comment, so thanks.

    That’s one reason I’m very glad that my government doesn’t buy into the “pregnancy begins at fertilisation” stuff.

  75. @Jill: No, her other stuff is JOKEY. This is actual satire, as in actually saying things she disagrees with in a tone that makes it sound silly. In her other stuff she definitely has a similar style but she’s relating (as far as I can tell) actual things that actually happened to her. With some jokes, of course, but it’s not almost entirely a parody like this is.

    Here’s a good example of what she sounds like when she’s as serious as she gets. Until she segues into the eyeliner, but let’s call that humorist’s license. There’s no “this is phrased to make something sound silly” parts*; she’s clearly going for a hyperactive nut kind of tone but it’s also clear she totally means what she says.

    *:Parts like:

    OMIGOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M WRITING ABOUT MY SEX LIFE. I meant to be writing all of this to condemn all of YOU.

    and

    Abortion. This shouldn’t even be on the list though obviously I’ve had them. Abortions are not birth control and I hate them! I’m OBVIOUSLY pro-choice but I think they are terrible and wrong and I hate having them.

    and, assuming she knows anything at all about what she’s talking about:

    2) Birth control pills. NO. They will make me fat; they will make me “spot” (another thing I squeamishly just DON’T LIKE TALKING ABOUT; don’t worry, though, everyone else who works here does); they will give me acne; and quite frankly, they will NOT prevent me from getting pregnant! I know this because IT HAPPENED TO ME™.

    and

    SO. That leaves us with Plan B. I don’t even want to describe how Plan B works, mainly because I’m too lazy to look it up. Here, analyze this, um, diagram:
    (diagram is captioned “AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH”)
    THIS IS TOO, TOO TERRIFYING AND I REFUSE TO UNDERSTAND IT.

    and, of course, the condom part.
    —-
    Also, she’s not ENTIRELY Colberting because Colbert keeps a very sharp line between his personas. Because he’s an expert, and he knows this kind of thing will happen if he doesn’t. Cat has apparently not learned that you ALWAYS have to mark sarcasm on the internet.

  77. BlackHumor:
    Oh, and I concur she’s trying to do something similar to Moe Tkacik.

    Why the FUCK did I read that link? D:

    Anyway, BlackHumor, thanks for summing it up. IDK, maybe my sense of humor’s just twisted, but I really did chuckle at “I’m obviously pro-choice but I think abortion is terrible and wrong and I hate having it.” Because come on, that’s just a great line.

  78. I really found this post to be interesting. While I had heard of Plan B before, I never imagined so many women using it as a reegular form of birth control as to where New York City is nearly sold out of it. While I do not disagree with womens choice to use Plan B, I do disagree with womens desicion to use it as a regular form of birth control. I feel that there are so many other forms of birth control available, these women are only abusing an something defined as an “emergency contraceptive”. In my opinion, it is unacceptable and these women need to learn to use conventional birth control

  80. … these women are only abusing an something defined as an “emergency contraceptive”. In my opinion, it is unacceptable and these women need to learn to use conventional birth control

    Or perhaps some of them have been in situations similar to what I’ve experienced. Maybe in an abusive relationship with a partner who was undermining and deceptive with regard to the agreed upon method of birth control. Maybe in a friend and family situation where they have no good support network (since that accompanies relationship abuse with some regularity). Maybe in a health care situation where they have no meaningful access to “conventional birth control” methods that they could safely use (without their partners knowing).

    Maybe the Plan B — no matter how often they’re using it — is not the greatest potential harm to their health.

  83. What what what? Was I not an original Sassy subscriber? Did I not endure coming of sexual age in the AIDS era? Have I gone back in time? People are just “not” “using” “condoms”? WHAT?!

    Jane and I need to talk.

  84. The gist of this seems to be “it’s fine for me to use plan B as a primary method of birth control, but anyone else who needs it is a dirty slut, oh and abortions are horrible, evil murder, except for when I need them. The rest of you dirty sluts should just get dudes to pull out instead”.

    Because, you know, everyone can so totally be trusted to pull out before they come.

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  86. As soon as I read who wrote this I wasn’t surprised. As much as I am delighted that xoJane hired Lesley Kinzel I have not spent much time there because Cat’s rambly mental health/addiction related overshares bother me too much, and this is totally in the vein of her posts on those issues. I’ve been there, done that and can’t handle the cavalier “woo, watch me go down in flames, it’s fun!” jokey tone because it is the EXACT SAME tone I used on my exhibitionistic way down. I can’t even read the comments over there because they cheer her on – okay, I glanced at a few and at the first “you go Cat, condoms suck!” I clicked away. I guarantee you this is an attempt at half-satire (only half, she obviously thinks at least SOME of this stuff) but it fails and I… just can’t. xoJane, you’ve lost me.

  87. It isn’t satire. At all. This is how this woman writes, in all of her articles. And her psychiatric issues and substance abuse issues have been well-documented, in her other articles on the site. She comes from a very messed-up and wealthy family background, and had a lot of issues with her father. It seems that many have concerns about Cat being in some sort of downward spiral and in need of intervention, and That Jane Pratt is exploiting her for page hits. Can’t say I disagree.

  88. Why did SHE have to pay the $50 all three times?

    This is literally the first thing that popped into my head, shortly followed by “if her boyfriend had to pay half the total ($75!) would he insist on using protection?” I know I would.

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  90. @Toonces: I want to accuse you of mental ableism for that.

    Just because someone has ADHD and also writes in a loopy style doesn’t mean she’s stupid.

    She clearly knows her stuff about birth control, because she listed all those methods INCLUDING the not-always-thought-of “don’t have PIV sex”. But according to the straight text, she seems like an idiot. So, satire.

    I realize that all her articles are written in a similar style, but not all of them have the same joke markers. Whether or not something is supposed to be taken seriously has nothing to do with the style it’s written in. Satire is about the meaning, not the words.

    Oh, and the followup was an even clearer satire. And unlike Cat’s the joke was obvious, so props to whoever wrote that.

  91. SocialJerk:
    From her writing style, I’d say that Cat is taking her Adderall in a timely fashion, even if she can’t stay on top of her birth control. What is this lady talking about? Does she have a point, other than to prove to the world that she’s irresponsible and ill-informed?

    The fact that this woman almost definitely has more readers than me just pains me to no end.

    Well, if the above comment is any indication, I can safely say that you have failed to compel *this* ADHD person with your writing. Maybe you should try being less ableist? That would certainly widen your audience. Just a thought.

  92. Chai Latte: Seconded. Also, I have ADD and I’ve been off my medication for about three years. I could still write rings around this woman.

  94. :O

    Wow. I applaud you for not judging this woman, because you’re perfectly right that her life choices are her life choices. But. I’m judging so hard on the inside. It scares me. I feel so bad for her.

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  96. I call bullshit. This is not a real person. Seriously? This sounds like every conservative asshole’s idea of what women (i.e., “irresponsible sluts”) are like. The whole thing reads like some old conservachristian dude pretending to be a ‘modern female’ wrote it.

  97. Not every adult woman is a good person who says good things. I am going to take a guess here and say that if she isn’t joking she’s an adult woman who says ill informed shit. *in my M&M and Santa Clause commercial voice* They -do- exist!

  98. Azalea: *in my M&M and Santa Clause commercial voice* They -do- exist!

    hahahahahahahaha, I’m so excited to see this commercial again. Man, this is one atheist who loves her some Christmas.

  99. BlackHumor:
    @Toonces: I want to accuse you of mental ableism for that.

    Just because someone has ADHD and also writes in a loopy style doesn’t mean she’s stupid.

    She clearly knows her stuff about birth control, because she listed all those methods INCLUDING the not-always-thought-of “don’t have PIV sex”. But according to the straight text, she seems like an idiot. So, satire.

    I realize that all her articles are written in a similar style, but not all of them have the same joke markers. Whether or not something is supposed to be taken seriously has nothing to do with the style it’s written in. Satire is about the meaning, not the words.

    Oh, and the followup was an even clearer satire. And unlike Cat’s the joke was obvious, so props to whoever wrote that.

    Um, a person can be stupid AND have mental problems. I’m not taking issue with her mental issues, or judging her for them. I am taking issue with her wanton and gleeful stupidity. And the fact that she is, you know, the HEALTH EDITOR. Clearly, you are a fan. I’m not. I’m going to leave it at that.

  100. BlackHumor:
    @Toonces: I want to accuse you of mental ableism for that.

    Just because someone has ADHD and also writes in a loopy style doesn’t mean she’s stupid.

    She clearly knows her stuff about birth control, because she listed all those methods INCLUDING the not-always-thought-of “don’t have PIV sex”. But according to the straight text, she seems like an idiot. So, satire.

    I realize that all her articles are written in a similar style, but not all of them have the same joke markers. Whether or not something is supposed to be taken seriously has nothing to do with the style it’s written in. Satire is about the meaning, not the words.

    Oh, and the followup was an even clearer satire. And unlike Cat’s the joke was obvious, so props to whoever wrote that.

    You can accuse me of mental ableism all you want. A person can have mental issues, and a person can also be willfully stupid. Sometimes, it happens at once. I have no issue whatsoever with her mental issues, but I do with her wanton stupidity. That, and the fact she is HEALTH EDITOR. It wasn’t satire. Clearly, you are a fan. I’m not. I’ll just leave it at that.

  101. lmfao. So I’ve been on the pill and have been having a lot of sex for, oh, the past 9 years. And not even one single time have I gotten pregnant. Funny how that works, when you just take a fricking pill every morning with your daily multivitamin when you brush your teeth. And I did gain weight, but it was mostly because I was eating 3,000 or more calories of refined carbs a day, and so when I started eating healthier, I dropped most of it. I’m pretty sure the industrial-agriculture industry is more of a culprit in weight gain than birth-control pills.

  102. P.S. Big Pharma has been in the news recently for shortages of all kinds of meds, even meds required for cancer treatments that are in high demand, because the industry mostly does not care if you die from cancer when they can make 500% profit margins on helping old men to get boners or selling women drugs to grow their eyelashes. And they really do not care about making enough Plan B to prevent women’s unwanted pregnancies, even if and when there is high demand. If the market worked as it should rather than like a racket, pharmacies would not be running out of Plan B.

  103. Abortion. This shouldn’t even be on the list though obviously I’ve had them. Abortions are not birth control and I hate them! I’m OBVIOUSLY pro-choice but I think they are terrible and wrong and I hate having them.

    Hmm, if I could in any way distinguish this from the actual opinion of people I know (or basically any “pro-choice” politician) then maybe I’d read it as satire. But this is basically a loopier version of the “safe and rare” line that people like to take on abortion (and a weird version of the “abortions for me, but none for the sluts” line that anti-choicers go with) so I’m unconvinced. :p

    Also… all the people yelling about ableism maybe missed the comments, around #32 and 38, etc. where this was discussed already? And what in the world is “ableist” about saying that someone comes from a fucked-up family life and has substance abuse issues? (Oh right, BlackHumour didn’t actually make an accusation of ableism, she just sort of passive-aggressively hinted at it. Excellent. 9_9) Never let context get in the way of a good pearl clutch, my fellow crazies!

  104. If the market worked as it should rather than like a racket, pharmacies would not be running out of Plan B.

    I’m still not clear that pharmacies are running out of Plan B, or that this possibly-imaginary shortage has anything to do with the pharmaceutical industry. Nor am I sure how the industry monetarily benefits from running out of pills that go for $25-50 a pop? :p

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  106. Athenia: I thought it prevents the implantation of the embyro in your uterus’s wall?

    That is one of the effects of the COC (combined oral contraceptive,) commonly known as ‘The Pill.’ COCs lower the risk of becoming pregnant primarily by suppressing ovulation. Other possible mechanisms may include cervical mucus changes that inhibit sperm penetration and the endometrial changes that reduce the likelihood of implantation.

  107. BlackHumor:
    @Jill: No, her other stuff is JOKEY. This is actual satire, as in actually saying things she disagrees with in a tone that makes it sound silly. In her other stuff she definitely has a similar style but she’s relating (as far as I can tell) actual things that actually happened to her. With some jokes, of course, but it’s not almost entirely a parody like this is.

    Here’s a good example of what she sounds like when she’s as serious as she gets. Until she segues into the eyeliner, but let’s call that humorist’s license. There’s no “this is phrased to make something sound silly” parts*; she’s clearly going for a hyperactive nut kind of tone but it’s also clear she totally means what she says.

    *:Parts like:

    and

    and, assuming she knows anything at all about what she’s talking about:

    and

    and, of course, the condom part.
    —-
    Also, she’s not ENTIRELY Colberting because Colbert keeps a very sharp line between his personas. Because he’s an expert, and he knows this kind of thing will happen if he doesn’t. Cat has apparently not learned that you ALWAYS have to mark sarcasm on the internet.

    I believe you are confusing satire with absurdism. That’s not to say absurdism can’t also be brilliantly funny. But it’s not quite the same as satire. Absurdism could be described as ‘taking a premise to it’s illogical extreme.’
    If she is satirizing the average Plan B user, then people have the right to be as upset as they are. But, I don’t think she is, I think she’s just taking her feelings as a plan B user and then exaggerating them to the point of absurdity, for humorous purposes. I am much inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt as most of her pieces are absurdist, a lot more inclined than I was toward that ‘hot chicks’ douchebag.

  108. I’m going to cast my lot in with the “satire” team, but man, she did a bad job of it.

    The thing that is most concerning to me about this is that her attempt at satire is exactly what anti-choicers think sexually-active pro-choice women think about birth control, abortion, sex and drugs. I can only imagine that some of those rabid anti-choicers are among those who are taking this seriously. I can already see the email forwards burning up the internet, appended with notes about what a bunch of irresponsible ho-bags liberal women are. *smh*

  109. Toonces: ADD is not, for the love of fuck, a *mental issue.* ‘Kay?
    Bagelsan: I’d like to point out that ADD is not a mental illness. Yes, some people have ADD and suffer from depression/ anxiety disorders, but others just have difficulty with sitting still and/or concentrating. Both mental illness and ADD can spring from neurological issues (wiring), but let’s not conflate the two.

  110. Wait, so she’s a health editor who thinks birth control pills don’t work because she can’t be bothered to take them regularly (FYI, how about a cell phone alarm? Drinking it with your morning coffee, thus linking your pill to morning coffee? Hm?). Or encourages taking random pills at parties just for fun (hey, if you do, whatever, but if your job is to give people ADVICE on their health, maybe you shouldn’t be so public about it!) doesn’t use condoms, just cause, oh, and she also won’t take birth control pills because it will make her gain weight, cause acne and make her spot?

    Okay, 1: There are several pills available that WON’T cause you to gain weight or give you acne. Go to you gynecologist and talk to them about it.
    2: There are MANY more birth control options available besides pills and condoms. You can get NuvaRing. Or the Patch. Or the shot.

    Since this her job is HEALTH EDITOR this makes me so terrified that she’s an idiot who is PAID to give people advice. Or, she’s trying to be sarcastic, but doesn’t know that in text form, you have to mark someone where that your post is sarcastic. So she’s an idiot.

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  112. @Politicalguineapig: I’m not using mental illness as a derogatory term — I just mean anything where your brain isn’t behaving as you might prefer, basically. If “has a physical component” were enough to exclude something from the mental illness category then stuff like anxiety and depression wouldn’t always belong there either.

  113. Bagelsan: Sorry, that’s just one of the things I’m really defensive about. Even my workplaces don’t know I have ADD, and I’ve only ever mentioned it to a few friends, because I don’t like the idea of being labeled as mentally ill. I’m even more defensive about the depression- my friends do know that I occasionally get really anxious, but only four of them know about the depression.

  114. This is disgusting. Please start respecting yourself ladies. Think really hard about what respect and dignity mean. The men have never been laughing so hard in their lives…the joke’s on us, don’t you see? All of this crap was supposed to give us women freedom, all the promises we believed, stupidly! The only people that have gained any freedom are the men, now they can do whatever they please with us. Did you know that there was an experimental BC pill for men back in the mid-20th century? Research was stopped completely after several men experienced testicular side effects. Researchers thought it was too risky to continue. The woman’s BC pill? Ahhh, shucks, several women in a foreign country they were experimenting on only DIED but the researchers simply adjusted the dosage and proceeded with experimentation. How’s that for respecting women? Men don’t have to worry about this stuff. The majority of men used to actually care about women and their feelings, yes there were some issues, but really, now the best we can ask of them is that they come on our tits? If we even do request the dignity of being ejaculated into properly and given the respect we deserve (not treated like some nasty porn star they watch day in and day out) WE are the ones that have to go through months of BC experimentation to find a good fit. It’s all twisted!

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