I would hereby like to share my list of ways to completely and totally shut down what you hope will be a productive conversation with a colleague.
1. Insist that the person you’re speaking with is unqualified for their job and lacks the knowledge you bring to the discussion.
2. When the person you’re talking to tells you that they are confident in their work and their position on a particular issue, say that you didn’t mean to imply they’re stupid. Quite the opposite: they’re so smart, they must be able to share your conclusion. Say this with the most insincere smile you can muster.
3. Lecture the person you’re talking to about the need to be reasonable and logical. Emphasize your own reasonableness and ironclad logic, even when encouraging someone to change their position without any evidence to support your conclusions.
4. Maintain (to the point of absurdity) that you can be trusted. Because you’re so, so reasonable. And smart. And right.
5. Ask the other person to see things objectively. Qualify this sentence by saying “Put yourself in X’s shoes,” as though X = objectivity.
6. When informed by the other person that they’re not going to change their position without any evidence of a change in circumstance from when the facts were last reviewed, pout that they’re not trusting you. Remind them that this is unfair and you only want the best outcome. Best is naturally defined by congruence with your own goals and objectives.
7. When the other person continues to demonstrate their resistance to your argument and is clearly tired of hearing it restated with pouting, threaten to make things harder. Remind them of all the ways you can make things complicated and difficult because you’re not getting your way and a pony.
8. Resort to inappropriate uses of the term rape to complain about things that have no relation whatsoever to sexual assault.
9. Try not to pass out in a dead faint when told that rape is the wrong term to used when talking about someone who (at best) was defrauded and (at worst) committed theft. Pout when you realize you’ve been called out.
10. Have a nice day!