Today I Do Not Feel Like Superwoman

20 thoughts on Today I Do Not Feel Like Superwoman

1. Congratulations?

2. Yeah, I’m a little confused by this. By all means, self-care and take time to do the fun stuff and not beat yourself up about being unproductive. But why sign up to guest blog somewhere and then decide to make that your week off?

3. http://www.amazon.com/Perfect-Girls-Starving-Daughters-Perfection/dp/0425223361/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1312868352&sr=1-2

4. I think that in the world we live in, children are told they can do and be anything they want. I know I was told that as a child. Parents, I think this screws with kids’ heads a little! While I didn’t grow up in a household where I felt that I had to please everyone to be loved, I think that the idea of doing and being anything somehow morphed into the idea, no, the need, to do and be everything and to do it perfectly. This insane idea of “effortless perfection” has plagued me – following me through high school and college into adulthood.

   Yes. This. As for the “why did you sign up to do this if you weren’t going to follow through?” responses, both to this post and in life, I would say, I shouldn’t have to be perfect to want to participate. In anything.

   And here’s the thing: I don’t know about you, but I developed a warped sense of responsibility based on perfection. (As in, if I’m not doing a perfect job of meeting my original, way-too-high expectations for X, then I’m not being responsible. For example: If I’m not posting X number of times a week during my guest blogging stint, I’m being irresponsible.) But responsibility shouldn’t be based on perfection. It should be based on good faith engagement, or maybe something else. Accepting that we aren’t perfect should be part of it. Yeah, it’s weird and hard to renegotiate what responsibility means, if not perfection, once you’ve defined it that way. But we need to do that renegotiating, because requiring perfection just isn’t realistic. For anybody.

5. Esti,
   When I signed up to do this (i.e. three months ago) I was living a totally different life with no full time job in sight. Since then, I’ve started working a full work week in addition to juggling existing responsibilities. So, to answer your question, maybe I shouldn’t have signed up since I didn’t know where I would be when it came my turn to guest blog…

   But Brigid hit it on the head.

   Brigid: Yes. This. As for the “why did you sign up to do this if you weren’t going to follow through?” responses, both to this post and in life, I would say, I shouldn’t have to be perfect to want to participate. In anything.

   And here’s the thing: I don’t know about you, but I developed a warped sense of responsibility based on perfection. (As in, if I’m not doing a perfect job of meeting my original, way-too-high expectations for X, then I’m not being responsible. For example: If I’m not posting X number of times a week during my guest blogging stint, I’m being irresponsible.) But responsibility shouldn’t be based on perfection. It should be based on good faith engagement, or maybe something else. Accepting that we aren’t perfect should be part of it. Yeah, it’s weird and hard to renegotiate what responsibility means, if not perfection, once you’ve defined it that way. But we need to do that renegotiating, because requiring perfection just isn’t realistic. For anybody.

   Responsibility shouldn’t be based on perfection. Yes, I signed up to do this, and if right now in my life that means that during my guest-blogging stint I only have the capacity to post once or twice, I’m learning to be okay with that. To forgive myself for not living up to my own expectations. That process, the learning to forgive oneself when one unknowingly takes on too much, is what this is all about.

6. Why try to improve and challenge yourself when you can be fulfilled and self-congratulatory in your graceful failure!

   1. Why try to improve and challenge yourself when you can be fulfilled and self-congratulatory in your graceful failure!

      A reminder that guest-bloggers are guests staying at our house and making you all dinner. If you spit in their faces, we will kick you out.

      Tyla, I loved this post. It is challenging to balance everything, and it’s unreasonable to expect to be able to do it all (I mean, I’ve definitely taken advantage of the guest blogger summer to barely write on Feministe at all, and it’s been kind of great). I’m glad you’re here and contributing where you can.

7. I fully understand that shit happens and we shouldn’t avoid participating because there’s a possibility we won’t be able to do so perfectly. But there’s also a point at which giving ourselves permission to be unproductive becomes damaging. I have no idea which side of that line you fall on at any given moment, but I don’t find an absolute message on either side helpful. For me, “you need to do everything and do it perfectly!” is not any more harmful than “if not doing things you want/agreed to do makes you happy in the moment, you deserve that.”

   I think I probably read way too much into a single simple post, but I remember your guest blogging from last year where you talked at length about your self-sabotage and procrastination. I have some of those same issues, and I have personally justified them to myself at times with this self-care talk — right now, I just don’t want to do X and that’s okay, it’s important to respect my own boundaries, I don’t need to always be a high achiever, I can take one night off, etc. And sometimes those things are true and I do need permission to not do everything. But far more often, I am saying them to justify my self-sabotage and procrastination. And that’s not healthy either.

8. I really want to say something on this post because I feel like it’s been hanging in the wind a bit and also attracting a lot of crap comments, sadly. It resonates with me quite a bit – too much, if I’ll be honest, which is why I have shied away from commenting. Too close to home. I’m really struggling right now with my workload and a desire to quit what I’m doing and start something else and looking for a complete redefinition of what “successful” actually means to me. And I feel like a whiny stupid quitter because of it. My inner two-year-old has been taunting me mercilessly for the last month and a half because somehow I’m not thriving on the emotional beat-down like I believe I’m supposed to. So right now I’m just trying to buckle down and get through it and move on to the next phase. I feel like worse than not a superwoman right now – I feel like a failure waiting to happen.

   I could go on like this, but I’m really not in a productive frame of mind, so I’ll just say this: Thanks, Tyla.

9. DoublyLinkedLists, the problem I have with your comment is this: when women ever, at any time, prioritize ourselves over others…..there’s always somebody bopping in to remind us what “failures” we are. Only when everyone else is taken care of are we supposed to have some respite for ourselves. And if that “respite” consists of collapsing into bed exhausted for some seemingly dreamless sleep just to get up again for more of the same (and maybe some guilt-tripping on how thankful we ought to be to have a bed to collapse into), so be it. One, two, (say it with me now) three: “Fuck That Shit”.

   Tyla, I really related to this post. I too push blogging away because I don’t have the time or energy to be “perfect” at it, meaning: articulate, thoughtful, creative, meaningful, substantive. I’m hyper-aware of not bringing my A-game in print, probably because I’m one of “those kinds” of women Autumn was afraid to be stereotyped as in her recent domestic violence post (not saying Autumn feels that way; far from it. She was illustrating a fact of life)—no college degree, no spiffy credentials, no nothin’…..just me and my blood, sweat and tears-I-suppress (and anger I don’t). And I know that isn’t enough.

10. Jadey:
    I really want to say something on this post because I feel like it’s been hanging in the wind a bit and also attracting a lot of crap comments, sadly. It resonates with me quite a bit – too much, if I’ll be honest, which is why I have shied away from commenting. Too close to home. I’m really struggling right now with my workload and a desire to quit what I’m doing and start something else and looking for a complete redefinition of what “successful” actually means to me. And I feel like a whiny stupid quitter because of it. My inner two-year-old has been taunting me mercilessly for the last month and a half because somehow I’m not thriving on the emotional beat-down like I believe I’m supposed to. So right now I’m just trying to buckle down and get through it and move on to the next phase. I feel like worse than not a superwoman right now – I feel like a failure waiting to happen.

    I could go on like this, but I’m really not in a productive frame of mind, so I’ll just say this: Thanks, Tyla.

    A while back, I graduated university but decided to go back to upgrade to an honors degree but found I didn’t have the desire (or the fear) to really put my all into it this time around.. I was burnt out. And I get what you’re saying, I felt like that too.. a big whiner, a big quitter, and I felt like I was a terrible example for my kids to boot. But I’m happier where I am now, having made that decision.. my life is not as *exciting* or *fabulous* as it could be, but I’m pretty content.

    I’ve always though that to be successful meant you were happy.. (not that success leads to happy, but being happy and contented meant you had succeeded.. succeeded in being happy and contented)

    Basically, don’t let the inner two-year-old get you down.

    And Tyla, excellent post, I could totally relate. For a while I was working full-time, plus keeping house and raising my kids, blogging, painting, playing shows (I sing and play guitar) and not sleeping very much.

    Lately, outside of work and housekeeping, I pretty much just want to watch movies and hang out at the beach with my kids and not do much of anything else. And that’s okay.

11. I don’t think this rhetoric has anything to do with feminism or the systematic oppression of women. I think it’s a pressure that everyone feels in a capitalist society that promotes the value comparison of everything, including people. We all can see ways in which we could be doing better, or doing more, and we all come up with reasons why it’s okay for us to not be doing so.

    It’s a great thing to set yourself standards and try to reach them, and there are times when we are going to fail at the things we attempt. But I see nothing constructive in being self-congratulatory about not feeling bad about failing at something. If you don’t honor a commitment, either decide that you don’t mind being that kind of person, or resolve to do better. But this rhetoric of self-esteem for it’s own sake, of feeling good about not feeling bad, is just a way to not have to deal with the negative emotions that come with failure.

12. Esti, one point I would like to make is that this is very closely tied to last year’s posts. Perhaps I failed to make the connection clear. I think part of the reason for all of the self-sabotage was the fact that I had overcommitted and there was no realistic way to balance things in my life while also doing things perfectly. I can happily say that cutting myself slack in some areas (as I’ve described here) has made me feel like much less of a saboteur. If I make conscious choice to let a thing or two go left undone or done but not perfect, I can apply more energy to the things that matter in that moment (right now, it’s pleasing my boss of less than two months…if I didn’t care about that, I’d re-prioritize and just do my guest blogging in the office!).

    I felt so self-hating at the time of my last posts because I can’t do it all, and I guess this post is just meant to show some forward growth.

    Doubly linked lists, I hate to fail, but if I’m going to do it, I can only hope I do it gracefully. It’s not that I don’t feel “bad” about the failure, it’s that I’m not going to punish myself about it, spiraling downwards in a tunnel of guilt until I can’t accomplish anything in any arena…which is where I was back when I wrote the self-sabotage posts.

13. Thanks for your posts, Tyla; I can really relate, and they’re giving me food for thought.

    Tyla: Doubly linked lists, I hate to fail, but if I’m going to do it, I can only hope I do it gracefully. It’s not that I don’t feel “bad” about the failure, it’s that I’m not going to punish myself about it, spiraling downwards in a tunnel of guilt until I can’t accomplish anything in any arena…which is where I was back when I wrote the self-sabotage posts.

    I think I’m going through the same process as you are. A few months ago I was spending lots and lots of my time in that guilt-spiral – “oh no I didn’t make it to the gym when I wanted to *guiltguiltguilt* ok now I’m too down on myself to do anything but eat chocolate and nap” – and it was reeeally unhelpful. Guilt, and feeling like I was (against my will) accountable to others for being (ir)responsible in my life. (I don’t think these issues were the reason for my being unproductive in the first place, but they definitely exacerbated the problem.)

    So I made a point of getting rid of the guilt, of reminding myself that it’s okay to fail. I asked those who tried to keep me accountable for stuff that wasn’t their business to give me some space, and I taught myself not to feel terrible as a result of any mistake.

    That really helped with getting rid of that spiral of guilt. I’m quite happy with it gone. It also turned out, though, that fear-of-guilt and external-accountability were a huge part of my motivation to be productive in the first place, so without them I ended up continuing to be hugely unproductive. Which is kind of where I am now – no guilt spirals, but I don’t get shit done.

    So now I have to work on re-motivating myself to manage my time well, by means other than guilt. I always thought of myself as a person who is motivated by love of what she does – and yet getting myself to rely just on that is such hard work! I’m just hoping I can train myself to do this decently well by the time the school year starts.

    I think I’ll try to make your technique of “I’m going to leave tasks A and B imperfectly done, if at all, and focus on task C” part of my training.

14. Also, I’m not really comfortable with the way some people are responding to a personal post about a dealing-with-life technique that works for you with stuff that basically sounds like “you’re doing it wrong.” How can they possibly know enough about your life to make that call? All we can really know is whether or not this sort of thing would work for us. If we know it doesn’t, or it causes problems for us, it makes sense to share that. But how does it make sense to pass judgment on someone else about this?

15. Z, I really appreciate your comment. Motivation? Shit, that is definitely a problem for me…

    And now I’d like to share something a friend of mine told me that has really helped me. He said that you should have one productive thing you do every morning before you do anything else. Just checking your email doesn’t count! He suggested that because being productive actually does feel good, that little burst of feel-goodness is important in starting your day, because it reminds you that in actuality, you do feel better when you get shit done, and that often propels you to get more shit done.

    I haven’t totally subscribed to this method, but I’ve adapted it a bit. When I’m sitting around feeling shitty or overwhelmed, I try to do one small thing that matters to me, even something as simple as picking the clothes up off the floor and putting them in my laundry basket or making a phone call I’ve been putting off. Sometimes, that’s as far as it goes, but sometimes, it feels so good to get that done, that I go on to something else and end up accidentally getting a whole bunch of shit done.

    I think there is really something worth learning in this – that when we do what we want to do (yes, we should mostly be motivated by the love of what we do!) we feel better. So you know, even if you have to write a 17 page paper or something, you might say, “Okay, I am NOT going to sit down and write that paper right now. But, I am going to look up one article that I can use a source and if I’m feeling REALLY ambitious, I might highlight the important parts.”

    I’ve found that for me, lack of motivation comes from a sense of being overwhelmed. Break it down. Do a little piece. And if that’s all you can manage, don’t beat yourself up about it.

    Not trying to preach, just saying what has helped for me, as you and I seem to be in somewhat similar places.

16. DoublyLinkedLists, I’m glad you live in a feminist paradise where women have achieved economic and social equality with men.

    But for the rest of us, who have to bust our asses all day everyday to make the ends, who have plenty of objective evidence right in front of us that we have to do more and be more in order to get a glance in our direction….overcommitting is a survival strategy that comes (inevitably) with its own built-in “failure” rate. As in, something’s gotta give (sometimes, one’s own health). Tyla made the choice to adjust her priorities in the face of changed circumstances (or maybe you missed the part about her getting a *job*? Her need for a secure line of food and shelter oughta take precedence over providing reading material for a bunch of strangers on the internet).

    Meaning: we are already caught in a catch-22. If we overcommit, we’re inevitably going to run out of steam. If we don’t overcommit, we are labeled as “not committed enough”—because trust, sexism still exists. Bright, talented women are still overlooked in favor of mediocre men.

    The so-called “standards” are already skewed against us. That is *absolutely* a feminist conversation.

17. I have nothing too terribly constructive to say, only the following:

    This was brilliant. You basically said everything that I have been thinking and feeling for a while now, and you were much more articulate than I ever could be.

    Thank you so much, Tyla. You posted exactly what I’ve been needing to hear.

18. Tyla, I really like that suggestion. I’ll see if it’s something I can work into my life as one of my strategies for getting myself to be productive.

19. This article is totally and completely relevant to my life. Thank you for writing it 🙂

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