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Doctor, It Hurts When I Do This

Lauren

The whole of American society’s response to rape, it seems, runs along the lines of the old bad joke in which the patient says “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.”

Society’s response: “So don’t do that.”

“Don’t go out at night. Don’t relax with your friends on vacation. Lock your doors. Don’t be friendly with men you don’t know. Don’t trust the men you do know.” It’s a prescription for a very large prison, one that women are expected to carry around with them every minute of their lives.

And they’re expected to do so while the behavior of rapists is – well, certainly not condoned, but explained away as some regrettable extreme right tail of the normal male sexuality bell curve.

17 thoughts on Doctor, It Hurts When I Do This

  1. It took me a while after reading the linked article, to think I was completely following your message. Not that I doubted it, I think I was thrown from the beginning with your reference to “American society”. I may need to go back to a entry level sociology textbook, but I’m not even sure what the definition of American society is these days. I know we read about and may have seen studies about societies’ norms, but it seems like it’s been years since you saw poll results in MSM, and the working was “American Society” norms are……

    Don’t get me wrong here: I’m not disagreeing. I spend my of my energy on political issues related to mass mind control of the American public and the resulting horrors of war, murder, and empire performed with the compliant behavior of Joe and Jane American.

    I don’t know if this is related, and I’m just throwing this out there: Is the “American society” that you are refering to also the one where the gap between married females supporting “W” was massively greater that unmarried females in the 2004 election.

    Is this another example of women who allay themselves with males are corrupted by the power that they perceive as having obtained?

    Was there any honest feminist case for preferring a Bush regime over a Kerry Regime? Want to make sure I’m not missing something.

    I know I’m talking about something totally different than what you post was about (“watch what you do, Missy, or you’ll get hurt, and it will be your fault”), but they seem related somehow.

  2. Lauren,
    I’m the mother of two daughters. I’ve also been raped by a date. Even after all these years, there is still part of me that blames myself for what happened. And while I know that the guy I was with made a conscious choice to do things to me against my will, I still want to take on responsibility.
    I mention my two daughters because my caution to the oldest one about alcohol is not “don’t drink, it’s bad for you,” it’s “if you choose to drink, you have to understand that someone may hurt you, so please stay with your female friends.” And I hate that we still live in such a world. Hate it.

  3. It’s not just “American Society”, it’s any and all patriarchal/pseudopuritanistic society in which women are perceived to be of lesser worth and yet held to a higher “moral” standard in which to prevent weak men from committing the sins they can’t seem to avoid committing themselves. Rape (of a post-menarchal female) is, sadly, still seen as a man just reacting naturally to his hard-on; worse yet, in many cultures, this reaction is perceived and publicized as his right. The thought that women must be punished if they are so enticing a man does something he ought not to do appears to be a hallmark of civilized society as well as those we consider uncivilized.

  4. I was just out stacking wood and my mind tends to wander while I do and so I found myself thinking about my mother’s story of meeting my dad and how it plays into all the recent discussions on rape, prevention, and blame. The very short version: My mother met my dad on a trolley; he was a soldier stationed at an army training camp in her city. He asked her to go to a dance and she did.

    My mother, of course, means this to be a beautiful love story. And you know, popular culture pretty much trumpets this kind of story as the height of romanticism. And the other end of the spectrum, it also celebrates the girls-come-wild scene as the height of slutty good fun.

    So I think that young women actually get the message that they should do ‘that’ because it’s not supposed to hurt; it’s supposed to lead to love or at least be a lot of fun. If I were in the mood for paranoia (or at least for being deeply suspicious), I’d say that idea is to encourage women to put themselves into situations where it is even easier for men to take advantage. Whatever the intent, that certainly seems to be the result.

    And the calls for women to adopt purdah only seem to happen when there is a specific damsel-in-distress story going on. Once that story fades, the messages fade right along with it and we’re back to ‘some enchanted evening’ or ‘fun, fun, fun till her daddy takes the t-bird away’.

    So I don’t think that society condones rape, I think it actually encourages it. And so long as the ‘normal’ response for guys who hit on or grope or otherwise molest women who don’t want their attentions is that ‘you can’t blame a guy for trying’, then the only one available for blame when a guy takes it too far is the woman. And what she’s really being blamed for is not remembering that since ‘rape is inevitable’ she should lie back, enjoy it, and shut the fuck up.

    [I think I may have discovered a link between stacking wood and going on an extended tirade. Sorry, sort of]

  5. Well, in todays society it seems to get rid of something, you make the penelties greater. DUI, jail and a long time of lost license. Drugs, lock up for 30 years. Maybe there needs to be a MARC, Mothers Against Raping Clitori… to make the penelties of rape stiffer and also to make laws to protect victims from being put on trial. Maybe womens issues are being lost in the shuffle of larger organizations and newer, more specific ones are needed to gain any effect in this society?

  6. Sometimes, I will sit around, stacking wood or whatever, and wonder what it would be like if I could just go to a bar and have a drink. You know, have a drink the way that guys on ‘Cheers’ have a drink. But then I emerge from my daydream, knowing that if I actually went to the bar down the street at night, someone would think I was looking for action and deserving of whatever I got. And then I remember that, because I’m female, people in society don’t consider me as really “free.”

  7. I think BG was on to the something in pointing out the ambiguity of “American society”. In reading the various comments on this post, I get the sense that many of us actually live in different societies.

    “So I don’t think that society condones rape, I think it actually encourages it. And so long as the ‘normal’ response for guys who hit on or grope or otherwise molest women who don’t want their attentions is that ‘you can’t blame a guy for trying’…”

    I have never met anyone who reacted to groping or molestation by saying “you can’t blame a guy for trying” and I’m not sure where you get the idea that it’s so widespread.

    “Rape (of a post-menarchal female) is, sadly, still seen as a man just reacting naturally to his hard-on”

    I’m curious if you have any evidence that this is true. It may be true of many cultures, maybe even subcultures of this one. Honestly, I think the culture that is being described here is a terrible and ugly one. And As long as I have some say in the manner, I hope never to become a part of it.

  8. Awoman Pepper. I’ve often had the same daydreams and even did it once. I wanted this tuna steak meal at Chili’s one night so decided to muster up all my courage and walk into the bar area, have a seat and eat.

    Agh. I couldn’t enjoy it because I was worried the Entire Time that some guy was going to hit on me and I’d have to get rude. I was there no longer than 30 min, ate my food and left, exhaling loudly as I did. I remember being surprised at how tense I was the entire time I was in there and haven’t done it since. Who needs that kind of self-induced stress? And damnit, how come a guy doesn’t have to go through this sort of stuff!!??

  9. This is a topic that I’ve tried to wrap my head around, like, a bazillion times. On the one hand, there is never an excuse for rape. Even if a woman goes out in the middle of the night, totally naked, no man has a right to force her to have sex with him. But at the same time..knowing that things are the way they are, I have a hard time understanding why someone would go outside naked in the middle of the night. The rapist would be wrong, but she would still be raped. And that would suck immensely for her, while changing nothing about the state of things.

    I agree that it’s a prison. I’d love to be able to wear open-toed shoes and other simple summer clothing without attracting unwanted attention. I’d like to be able to walk home at night without fear. I’ve dabbled in exotic dancing, and it would be really fantastic if I didn’t have to drop $30 on a cab at the end of the night to prevent some guy from following me on the subway. But the reality is, it would be ridiculous of me to take public transportation home alone (especially after dancing in front of drunken men). And I would never encourage another woman to do anything like that, whether it’s her right as a human being or not, because I wouldn’t want anyone to get assaulted.

    I think it’s very important that we tell women– especially young women, like the one who vanished in Aruba– that they shouldn’t do that. Because we haven’t figured out how to make men understand that they shouldn’t rape. It’s unfair that women are in a cage, but I’d rather know where the bars are, so as to avoid cracking my head against them.

  10. The problem, Kim, is that you still don’t know where the bars are. Your precautions may reduce your chances of stranger rape but they certainly won’t eliminate it and they won’t do anything about acquaintance rape.

    We are never going to get rid of rape (or any other crime for that matter) but we will do more to reduce its occurrence by working to change cultural attitudes than we’ll ever be able to do by constraining our freedom in an effort to be safe.

  11. ” I have never met anyone who reacted to groping or molestation by saying “you can’t blame a guy for trying” and I’m not sure where you get the idea that it’s so widespread.”

    David, not to be sarcastic, but lots of people have seen it happen. It doesn’t have to be people standing up and cheering, although sometimes that does happen. When the boys in Lakewood, CA had sex with girls for points the girls got called sluts. When the boys in Glenwood, NJ raped a retarded girl, the community supported them. When a sheriff’s son in CA gang raped an unconscious girl with inanimate objects and videotaped it, it took two trials to convict them, what with the defense attorney calling the underage and unconscious victim a ‘slut.’ How can you be a slut if you’re unconscious? Did I miss a memo? These are just the cases that come to light.

    A lot of times society shows its support for rape by supporting rapists. Sometimes it just attacks the victims. Just because you’ve never seen it doesn’t mean it happens.

  12. Sigh. “Doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.”

    There’s lots of books out there detailing this stuff, too, by the way. Why do you appear to have read none of them?

  13. I enjoy going out to bars, getting a drink with friends, etc. But I hate going to “frat-style” bars because I’ll inevitably get groped and when I protest I get told “Hey, you’re here what do you expect?” I have friends who refuse to wear skirts to bars because guys will flip them up, or stick their hands up their skirts.

    On the other hand, I have no problem going to a few bars that feel comfortable in and having a drink or dinner by myself. I’ll often read while I do this and at these places very rarely do I feel uncomfortable. But I live in a very large city where I have a multitude of options and the number of places I would feel comfortable going to alone is less than 10.

  14. It was late. He was drunk. He was my boyfriend.

    He would not take ‘no.’ He did not hear my quiet crying. He did not look at me. He continued to play with what he apparently considered his vagina.

    He passed out. I gently pulled from his grasp, careful not to wake him. I got dressed and slipped out of the house, and ran to my car. I never saw him again.

    My fault? How’s that?

  15. David:

    “I have never met anyone who reacted to groping or molestation by saying “you can’t blame a guy for trying” and I’m not sure where you get the idea that it’s so widespread.”

    “can’t blame a guy for trying” is not a woman’s reaction to being groped; it’s a man’s reaction to being called on his abusive behavior. And I’M not sure where you get the idea that it’s NOT widespread. But since you’re sporting a name like David, I can make an educated guess.

    “I think the culture that is being described here is a terrible and ugly one. And As long as I have some say in the manner, I hope never to become a part of it. “

    Well, keep those dangly bits (and please excuse me if I’ve misinterpreted your user-name and wrongly assumed you’re male) and you will never have to become a part of this admittedly “terrible and ugly” society. Men have the choice, as I see it, to hold themselves aloof. They can choose not to harass or abuse and can refuse to have anything to do with those who would.

    I know that I don’t get a choice in the matter. Any man who feels like it can drag me unwilling into the morass. A slur shouted from the window of a moving car, a hand on parts of my anatomy traditionally covered by underwear, a call from a co-worker to tell me that my “unfeminine” attitude makes him literally sick to his stomach (a call, ‘cause he didn’t have the guts to say it to my face). These things happen in everyday life, in very liberal areas of the country, in work-places you might otherwise classify as “feminist friendly” to those of us who must face the world wearing breasts

    Hope my rant helped to explain the discrepancy in the perceptions of the society we inhabit.

  17. I love guys (or women) who think that because they haven’t encountered it, it doesn’t happen. I love that men think there’s nothing wrong with a wayward comment or staring at your breasts while they “talk” to you. I love that we live in a society where, when I am at work, doing my job, some dumbass can walk up to me and say “nice breasts”, and I’m supposed to be flattered and thank him for it, or that I can be in a pub watching a band with my friend Lise, who is standing on her seat to see over the crowd, minding her own business, and some guy can walk up to her and stick his hand up under her shirt and grab her breast, and then stand there smirking like “what are you gonna do about it?” I love that when I went into the gas station on the corner to buy a coke, the guy behind the counter suddenly came out and grabbed me and kissed me, but everyone said it was my fault for not telling him not to – like I even saw that coming or thought it at all possible. But my favorite part of the whole thing was the store owner, who sent me an email telling me that he talked to the employee, who said it never happened, so gee, he’s sorry I imagined such a thing happened. So all of this goes by and I’m just supposed to grin and bear it, because it’s just boys being boys, and if I am bothered by the jokes and comments and say anything about it, I am a frigid bitch who can’t take a joke. But yeah. That’s all in my head, I’m sure. None of it really exists. Does it.

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